What Happened Last Night (AOT Modern AU)
by Lyra Sprinkles
Summary: Sasha Blouse wakes up on the school roof, hungover, with no memory of how she got there or what happened last night. Now, she and Mikasa must piece together the events of the night through the stories of their classmates. Contains Springles. Rated T for lots of drinking, some swearing and a few adult situations.
1. What Sasha Remembers

**Sunday, July 27, Roof**

She is dying.

Sasha Blouse knows that these are her last moments on earth. She can feel it. Her body is in so much pain. She is lying on a bed of stone, and there is a time bomb in her head going _TOCK TOCK TOCK_ like it's counting away the seconds she has left. But that isn't why she feels like she will die.

No, it's because Sasha can see The Light. The Light is pouring over her being and her eyes, beckoning her to follow it. It is so bright that it hurts to keep her eyes closed, yet at the same time she's too afraid to open them.

After seconds of lying there in pain with her eyes shut, Sasha opens them. But they are unable to adjust to The Light, and she goes temporarily blind for a moment. In a daze she picks herself up off the stone floor and stumbles around like a zombie.

 _Where am I?_ she wonders. _Is this the afterlife?_

However, when she opens her eyes again, she decides that she isn't dead. It's probably because, after squinting at her surroundings, she realizes that she recognizes them.

She is on the roof of one of the many buildings of Titan Academy. More specifically, she is on the roof of her own dormitory.

Another reason why she thinks she isn't dead is that there's someone else up there with her. If she is dead, that means that this other person is dead, too. This, as she knows by now, simply isn't possible.

She approaches the other person quietly, stumbling in the sunlight, unable to see anything through her half-closed eyes. Mikasa Ackerman is sleeping peacefully – or as peacefully as someone whose legs are spread out indecently and who is drooling all over the floor could look. Sasha kneels down next to her and pokes her in the shoulder.

"Wake up," she whispers hoarsely. Mikasa ignores her and tries to snuggle to the stone roof instead.

"Mikasa! Wake up!" Sasha insists, shaking her with more force now. She really needs Mikasa to wake up, because she has to know just _what the hell is going on._

"Shhh," Mikasa mumbles in her sleep. "Shaddup, Eren, or your mom will hear us."

Whatever Mikasa is dreaming about, Sasha can't seem to process it. Shaking her fiercely now, she yells, "MIKASA! WAKE UP!"

"Eren, what the – " Mikasa wakes up with a start and, like Sasha had done, she squints at the light. A large drop of drool has collected at the corner of her mouth. Recognizing Sasha, she says, "You're not Eren."

Sasha can't think of any reason why Mikasa would think she is Eren, but she doesn't care. "Why are we on the roof?" she asks weakly. "What happened last night?"

"I don't know," complains Mikasa, rubbing her temples. "Why are we dressed like this?"

For the first time, Sasha looks at the both of them and observes their clothing. She is wearing a sparkly gold dress with a tulle skirt and no slippers. Mikasa is wearing a clingy black sweater and a red plaid skirt, paired with black tights and red slippers.

"These are party clothes," murmurs Sasha, trying to remember. "That's right...party...my birthday party...it was last night..."

Mikasa frowns. "Birthday party?"

"Yeah," Sasha nods her head furiously as the memories come back. "You remember, right? A week ago, I had decided to have a party on my birthday?"

* * *

 **Monday, July 21, Fountain**

"MIKASA!" sings Sasha, racing out of the dining hall. The lunch break hasn't ended yet, and there are plenty of students walking around. She crashes into quite a few of them in her quest to find her friend, and she has to apologize continuously as she races around the corridors.

Meanwhile, Mikasa puts down her lunch tray as she hears someone calling her name in a distance. She is sitting under the cherry blossom tree in the middle of the school courtyard, right next to the fountain. A fight has broken out in front of her, and Jean and Eren are threatening to kill each other while Marco and Armin are trying to pull them apart. She blinks at Sasha, who is standing before her, panting hard.

"Hello, Sasha," she says softly. "How was lunch with your cousin?"

"Oh, it was great!" Sasha plops down beside Mikasa and grabs Jean's tray, helping herself to his half-eaten omelet rice. "We spoke about my birthday, and she asked me what I was going to do about it, so I told her I hadn't decided yet, and she said that –"

"Slow down," says Mikasa, wiping rice off her uniform with a napkin. "You're getting rice all over me."

"Right. Sorry." Sasha pauses and puts down Jean's chopsticks. In front of them, Eren has already struck the first blow, which misses Jean and lands on Marco's face instead.

"Aren't you going to stop them?" asks Sasha, pointing at the boys. "I mean, Eren could get hurt out there."

Mikasa's eyes turn toward the fight and then return back at her bread. "I don't feel like it," she replies. "Sometimes I actually enjoy watching Eren getting the crap beaten out of him."

"Ah. Okay." Sasha continues her assault on Jean's rice. "Anyway, so Hange suggested that I have a party on my birthday, since it's a Saturday and all. But then I was like, 'Hange, we're boarding school students. We could get into serious trouble if we had a party!' and she was like, 'Pshhhh, you first-years are always so scared of everything. Trust me, when you get to your third year like me –'"

She is interrupted by Mikasa, who stuffs the remains of her bread into Sasha's mouth to get her to stop talking. "Is there a point to this story?" she asks.

Sasha chews on the bread and swallows it noisily. "I _was_ getting to the point, but you interrupted me," she complains. "So like I was saying, Hange convinced me to throw a party and invite everyone over. _And_ ," she adds triumphantly, "As a birthday gift, she's going to be buying all the alcohol!"

Mikasa gazes at Sasha impassively. A loud splash, accompanied by Armin's screams, can be heard in the background as Jean throws Armin into the fountain. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" she asks. "Like you said, we could get into serious trouble. None of us have any sort of experience with drinking or parties. And I guess you'll be having this party in the student lounge, since we can't fit more than ten people in our room. So you'll have to do something about Rico. And how are you going to handle everyone being drunk?"

Sasha sighs loudly, shaking her head. "Mikasa, you need to chill. You worry too much. Nothing's gonna go wrong, I swear! We're all going to have a great time! Even you! You know that Saturday's the last day of school and we'll be having summer break after that, right? So it'll be our last chance to get together and have fun before we go home. And Hange promised me she'll take care of everything. I just need to spread the word and get food and stuff. Which shouldn't be too hard, you know how easy it is to pick the kitchen locks."

Her friend remains silent for a moment. The two girls turn toward the boys, all four of whom are now in the fountain and are being reprimanded by their teacher Mr. Shadis. "Do you trust Hange?" says Mikasa finally.

Sasha grins at her. "Well, duh! Hange's cool, if not a _little_ crazy. She'll handle everything! After all, she's _my_ cousin!"

Mikasa turns away. "That's exactly why I'm worried." she mumbles.

"Besides," continues Sasha. "It would be the perfect opportunity. You know. For me to make my move."

The other girl raises her eyebrow. "You don't mean – "

Sasha rubs her hands together, her eyes gleaming. "Yup. That's exactly what I mean. So you're in, right?"

A small smile appears on Mikasa's face. "Of course I'm in. Did you seriously think I would miss your birthday?"

"Great!" Sasha gives Mikasa a quick hug and stands up. "I gotta go talk to Connie now. You let the boys know, okay?"

"Right," says Mikasa, watching Sasha race off towards the fountain.


	2. What Else Sasha Remembers

**Sunday, July 27, Roof**

"Oh, that's right," Mikasa scratches her chin, deep in thought. "That must have been some party last night, huh? Hange is really...something."

Sasha groans. "Don't remind me. I'm not even sure if I'll be speaking to her after this."

"And you said that you'd be making your move during the party," says Mikasa slowly. "Does that mean that last night – "

Sasha buries her face, crimson with shame, into her hands. "I probably did, didn't I?"

Mikasa smiles softly. "I don't know. But I hope it happened."

"This is all Hange's fault," whines Sasha. "She bought all the booze. And she said that no one would leave the party sober."

"Hmm." Mikasa nods absently. "Did she now."

"Yeah, I remember that bit," Sasha sighs. "It was before you showed up..."

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

"And this is your vodka, for those who want to get crazy," Hange waves her hand over the clear glass bottles. "This is the whiskey. It was difficult to get this and Sasha had to help me, but it was worth it because I know how much my Shorty _loves_ whiskey," she pinches Levi Ackerman's cheek. In return, Levi kicks her in the shin. "And finally, we have your good old-fashioned kegs," she stops the tour in front of four large, silver barrels, surrounded by red cups. "So, what do you think Sasha? Did Hange do good?"

Sasha, who is all nerves and excitement, hugs her tight. "Hange did great. Thank you so much, Hange. This couldn't have been cheap."

"Well, it wasn't, but it was worth it," Hange smiles at her fondly. "And you had better make good use of it. So if I see you wandering about without a glass in your hand, I will put a glass in your hand. You feel me?"

"Yeah, yeah," A text message distracts Sasha and she is barely listening to anything Hange is saying anymore. The party will begin soon, and everyone will be here, including _him_.

She's in the student lounge of the girls' dorm, and so far everything seems to be in place. The room has been cleared out. The furniture has been pushed to one corner of the room, leaving the floor clear for dancing. The food, which Sasha diligently stole from the kitchens over the past week _without_ sampling most of it, has been placed next to the drinks. Hange's friend Moblit, who will be playing DJ tonight, is already setting up his equipment. And Hange has also made sure that their Hall Director Rico Brzenska is out of the way and Sasha can only imagine what her cousin has done to her. Of course, the boys' director, Hannes, is cool and lets them do what they like, leaving her with one less thing to worry about. Hange has shown up early with a few of her friends, which included the third-years like Levi Ackerman, Oluo Bozado, Petra Ral and a few others.

"And you know what the best part is?" says Hange in a voice that Sasha has heard her use only a few times before, none of which have ended well. She feels the hair on the back of her neck stand up.

"The best part is, no one is leaving this place sober tonight!" Hange grins like a maniac and waggles her eyebrows at the others. Levi snorts, Oluo imitates him, Petra giggles and Sasha facepalms.

"We'll see about that, four-eyes," mutters Levi.

"No, I'm serious!" Hange insists, her glasses glinting in the dim light like those of an anime villain. "Since I'm going to be bartending tonight, I'm going to make sure that everyone goes big. No soda. No juice. Water only in case of emergencies. Like I said, big."

"Yeah?" Levi sniffs. "Then what's that huge bowl of punch doing in the corner?" He sticks his thumb out in that direction.

Hange's Joker smile is back. "Oh, y'know, just a little _surprise_ for the kids who want to play it safe tonight." She gives him a smug look.

"Let me guess," Levi's deadpan stare doesn't escape her. "All in the name of science?"

"You know me so well, Shorty!" says Hange happily. "For SCIENCE!"

Levi just rolls his eyes and walks away. "Idiot." he mutters.


	3. What Mikasa Remembers

**Sunday, July 27, Roof**

"That's the last thing I remember," admits Sasha. "Everything else is kind of a blur."

"Blur?" asks Mikasa. "Think harder. Anything else you could remember would be helpful."

The two girls sit on the roof in silence, trying to remember. Mikasa is absent-mindedly wiping the drool off her face and Sasha is staring intensely at a spot on the floor. She tries to remember whatever she can about the party last night, but all she gets is a flash of random scenes:

* Mikasa is slapping her across the face. Hard. In the present day, Sasha slowly brings her arm up to her face and yep, sure enough, her cheek stings.

* Krista is towering over her, yelling, while she, Sasha, cries.

* Bertolt is puking all over Annie.

* Marco and Armin are singing, rather loudly. They both sound terrible and the song is vaguely familiar, yet she can't seem to remember what it was.

* Eren is wrestling with a horse. An actual, live horse. Or at least she thinks it's a horse. She can't really be sure.

* Levi Ackerman is naked. She didn't get a good enough look at his front, but he does have a nice butt. This she remembers very well.

* She's kissing Connie. Or rather, she's trying to. But Connie is pushing her away. He doesn't want to kiss her.

Of course, the last one causes her to cringe the most.

"Oh Maria," she whispers. "Oh Rose. Oh Sina. What did I do last night?"

"What happened?" asks Mikasa sharply. "Did you remember something?"

"A lot of things, actually," she replies. She tells Mikasa about all the random events she remembers, in the order she remembered them in.

"I don't remember any of these things happening," says Mikasa.

"Yeah, I know," Sasha strokes her chin. "Now if we – "

"Except for the first one."

A silence falls over the roof.

"What?" questions Sasha. "You remember slapping me?"

Mikasa nods grimly. Her gaze doesn't quite meet Sasha's.

Sasha groans. What did she do that was so bad that Mikasa needed to slap her for it?

"Why?" she says finally.

Mikasa still isn't looking at her. "You're not going to like it."

"Tell me," insists Sasha.

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

Mikasa Ackerman is fuming.

For one, she has been waiting outside Eren's room for like an hour while he got his princely self ready for the party. (Of course, she would rather be in there with him, helping him get ready, but he doesn't need to know that.)They are already late and she knows it, but no amount of nagging will get Eren to listen to her. She is also forced to stand outside his door like his bodyguard, instead of making herself comfortable in the student's lounge, because Eren won't stop ranting about his roommate. He expects Mikasa to listen and occasionally respond with "Yeah, I know," and "What a douche." Not only that, but Eren's roommate had left the building half an hour ago and he had complimented Mikasa on his way out, telling her she looked beautiful. Yes, that's right. Jean Kirstein had made it a point to let Mikasa know how beautiful she was, whereas all Eren said was, "That skirt's too short. Go put on some tights or something." Naturally, she is _pissed_.

So when she finally shows up at the girls' dorm with Eren in tow, she expects Sasha to be sympathetic and understanding. Boy, is she wrong.

"Mee Casa!" Sasha throws her arms around her roommate and gives her a big bear hug. A strong smell of alcohol hits her, and Mikasa coils back in disgust. Sasha then tries to do the same to Eren, but Mikasa stops her in time.

They have arrived late, so everyone they know is already here. The girls' student lounge is crowded with people, most of them first-years, a few third-years who Hange knows and a couple of second-years. The music is loud and several students are dancing in the center of the room. Mikasa smiles. This party doesn't seem half bad.

"Happy birthday, Potato Girl," she says, pushing the envelope she had been carrying in between Sasha's cleavage. "Have you been drinking?"

"Mmm?" Sasha tilts her head to the side. "'Tis good stuff. Have some."

"I'm gonna take that as a yes," Mikasa says, eyeing the drinks table, where Hange is in full swing. "And no, I don't want any. Come on, Eren." She stalks toward the food table, looking for the cupcakes.

But Eren doesn't move. Instead, his eyes are fixated on someone standing to their left.

"Eren, no," Mikasa pleads, trying not to crush the poor cupcake she's holding.

Eren doesn't listen. He immediately begins seething with rage. "KIR – STEIN!" He screams.

From across the room, Jean hears Eren. He glares at him. " _Yeager_." he snarls.

Mikasa's head begins to hurt. _How do these two even live together?_ she wonders.

Her childhood friend is furious and is now looking for something to throw at Jean. "AAARGH!" he screeches. "WHY CAN'T I FIND A VENDING MACHINE WHEN I NEED ONE?"

Right there and then, Mikasa so badly wants to knock Eren and Jean out cold and leave them both tied up in their room. But she can't. It's Sasha big day, and the last thing she wants to do is ruin it.

"I am so, so sorry, Sasha," she sighs, dragging Sasha away to the drinks table. "Eren and Jean have been arguing since Monday. And the worst part is they can't even remember what they've been arguing about! Eren has been pissing me off all night. He won't stop talking about Jean, and it's driving me crazy!"

Sasha doesn't say anything. Mikasa takes her lack of a reply as permission to keep talking.

"I am so sick of him," she complains. She has to bite her tongue after every word, because what she's saying is blasphemous. "I know that I shouldn't be saying this, but, sometimes I feel like he's taking advantage of me. That he keeps getting into trouble because he knows I'll always be there to bail him out. Well, what if I don't want to help him anymore? What would happen to him then?"

Sasha nods like she understands everything. But something is wrong. Sasha usually isn't the type to stay quiet.

"Say something," pleads Mikasa. "Don't you think he's treating me badly?"

It's only then that she notices that the birthday girl's eyes aren't focused on her. She's staring at Connie Springer, who has entered the room and is making his way over to them.

"Connie's here," Sasha whispers. "Shit, shit, shit, what do I do?"

"So I take it that you haven't heard anything I said?" says Mikasa quietly.

"You know my plan, right?" replies Sasha. Her voice gets higher and louder. "I'm supposed to kiss Connie tonight. On the lips. Like a big girl. So that he finally realizes that I've been crushing on him all this while instead of being the dense potato that he is. And since it's my birthday, he can't reject me. Not tonight, at least."

Several heads turn in their direction, eyes wide open in surprise. Mikasa checks to see if Connie's is one of them. Satisfied, she clicks her tongue at Sasha.

"Be a little louder, why don't you? I'm sure those people in the back didn't hear you."

"Sure," says Sasha. "I'M GOING TO KISS – "

Mikasa quickly pushes her cupcake into Sasha's mouth, silencing her. Although she has been living with Sasha for only three months now, she already knows that the best way to silence her is to shove food in her mouth. It's messy, but very effective. The only downside is that she has to sacrifice her share for that, but the reward is worth it.

Trust Sasha not to listen to a single word she said and instead ramble on about something completely unrelated.

"Heesh comine here," Sasha's words are muffled due to the food in her mouth. "Wha I do?"

"Once more, without food." Her roommate commands.

Sasha swallows hard. "He's coming here. Oh no. I can't take this. I can't kiss him. He's gonna make fun of me. He's gonna think I'm a freak. Mikasa, do something!"

Mikasa's headache gets worse. Not only has she been babysitting Eren all week, but now her roommate has also proven to be incapable of not embarrassing herself. She wants to cry. _Why me?_

Why did they have to act so childish all the time? What would they do if she wasn't around to take care of them? And what did she get in return? Their complete apathy towards _her_ feelings.

Sometimes she wishes she had a friend like her to listen and take care of her, the way she did them.

"Hey there," says Hange slyly, sliding in next to her. "You look upset. Would you like something to drink?"

Out of the corner of her eye, Mikasa observes Eren and Jean screaming at each other. Beside her, Sasha wonders aloud what Connie's shaved head tastes like. And Connie Springer is approaching them from afar in slow motion.

"Why not?" mutters Mikasa, and accepts the glass that Hange hands her. It's filled with a clear liquid, and it smells like Eren after soccer practice, sour and nasty. She downs it in one gulp.

"More," she orders, before she can regret it.

"More, coming right up!" Hange pours her another glass, which she downs in another gulp.

"More!" she commands again. Hange raises her eyebrows, but says nothing. She hands her another glass of clear liquid, which Mikasa guzzles down.

"MORE!" she screams, slamming the glass on the table for the fourth time. By now Hange is alarmed, but is more than happy to grant Mikasa her request.

And then it finally hits her. Her brain goes numb, and her ability to think is replaced by a warm, fuzzy feeling. Her esophagus is burning, and her body wants to reject the strange liquid it has just ingested. With all the willpower that she has, she forces it down.

She is suddenly overcome by the feeling that she take over the world.

So Mikasa does the first thing she can think of.

"Do you think his head tastes like boiled egg or boar meat?" asks Sasha seriously. "Because I have to know what his head tastes like if I'm going to kiss him. That makes sense, right? Because I can't tell. Nothing makes sense anymore. Except Connie. Well, no, he doesn't. I'm still gonna kiss him though. Oh, who am I kidding? I can't kiss him! I can't do this! Why did I even think this was a good idea? MEE CASA! WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME?"

"Mee Casa" doesn't reply. Instead, she slaps Sasha on the cheek. Hard.

The force of Mikasa's slap causes Sasha to stumble backward. Her drink sloshes all over her gold slippers. She gapes at her assailant in shock.

Everyone stops whatever they are doing to stare at the two people in focus, the birthday girl and the person who just slapped the birthday girl.

"Boiled egg," says Mikasa quietly. "And you're welcome. Now go kiss him." With that, she makes her way over to her new best friend, Nasty Sour Drink.

The rest of the night goes blank.


	4. What Ymir Remembers

**Sunday, July 27, Roof**

"Oh," says Sasha quietly. "That explains why my cheek hurts like a bitch. And it also explains the poky feeling in my boobs."

She digs into her dress and pulls out Mikasa and Eren's gift, a coupon for La Pomme de Terre, the fancy French restaurant in town.

"Awww, you guys got me an all-you-can-eat coupon?" Sasha holds out her arms to give the other girl a quick hug. "Thanks, Mikasa! I didn't even know that fancy French restaurants had those! I forgive you for violently slapping me on my own birthday!"

"And I forgive you for being an insensitive bitch when I needed you the most," replies her friend, returning the hug.

They pull apart and stand there for a while, smiling at each other.

"So...you said that you remember Krista yelling at you, right?" Mikasa asks.

"Yeah," nods the other girl. "She had crazy eyes and she was screaming and I was crying. It was horrible."

Mikasa frowns. "But that can't be right. Krista is the sweetest person in school. Are you sure it wasn't the other way around? Like, maybe you were the one screaming at her?"

"Pretty sure, yeah," Sasha nods.

"Fine. Let's go find Krista, then," says Mikasa, standing up. "We have to know everything that happened last night."

Sasha groans. "Do we have to? I'm pretty sure that stuff like getting breakfast and taking a shower is more important right now."

There is a short silence as Mikasa considers their options. "Okay," she says. "We go take a shower. But no breakfast until we find out the whole story."

Sasha stares at her, open-mouthed.

"I'M SORRY I IGNORED YOU LAST NIGHT WHILE YOU WERE TALKING OKAY," Sasha yells. "BUT IS THAT ANY REASON TO PUNISH ME LIKE THIS?"

"It's nothing like that," says Mikasa, raising her eyebrow. "We just don't want to embarrass ourselves in front of our classmates. We could have done something really terrible that we have no memory of, you know. And also –"

"You don't want to face Eren," finishes Sasha.

"I don't want to face Eren," confirms Mikasa. "Please, Sasha. He may be hungover like us, and I really don't want to deal with his bullshit right now. If I hear one more word about Jean being an asshole, I'm going to slice his flesh open."

Although Sasha doesn't admit it, she kind of understands what Mikasa is talking about. Her feelings for her Connie right now are similar. She loves him. It isn't exactly news to her. She knows, as do Mikasa and Hange. She has tried to tell him in the past, as subtly as she could (or at least as subtle as you'd expect Sasha to be.) Unfortunately for her Connie is as oblivious as a male protagonist in a harem anime. Which was okay, because it meant that they could still be friends, if not anything else. So when Mikasa suggests that they avoid Eren, she feels her pain.

Doesn't mean that she agrees with her, though.

"You do realize that we'll eventually have to talk to him to find out about the horse right?" Sasha isn't used to playing tsukkomi to Mikasa's boke; it's usually the other way around. "I mean, I can't _not_ know if Eren brought a horse to my party!"

"For all we know, it was probably Jean," Mikasa frowns.

"No, I'm serious! It was yellowish and it had a long face and a brown mane and..." Sasha trails off. "You're right, it was probably Jean. But do we really want to take that bet?"

"I do," Mikasa mumbles.

"We're going to see Eren later. End of story. But first, we get some breakfast." Sasha orders.

"Fineee." sighs Mikasa. Together, the two girls support each other and make their way over to the elevator.

The atmosphere is tense as they ride the elevator down to the second floor. Sasha thinks about what's going to be served at breakfast today, their last day in school, and Mikasa worries about whether Eren has had his breakfast yet.

Yes, both of them are incorrigible.

The elevator stops at the second floor, on which the first-years live. The two girls trudge slowly towards Room A/204, which they both share. For the first time, they're thankful for the dim orange lighting in the corridor, soothing their strained eyes.

Their room, as expected, is a mess. Mikasa is usually the clean one, but both of them had left in a hurry last night and their beds look like they've been through a hurricane. Sasha's clothes are all over the floor, and Mikasa's books are scattered over one end of the room. Someone has even stacked Sasha's gifts on her desk.

"After this is cleared up, we have to get back and pack," reminds Mikasa, her shoulders slumped. "Your train leaves in four hours. We don't have much time left."

"Yeah, whatever," mutters Sasha. "I can't think straight right now. My head hurts really badly and I'm like, _really_ hungry."

As if on cue, her stomach rumbles loudly.

"See?" she says.

Mikasa shakes her head and gathers her clothes before marching out of the room for a shower.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Room A/203**

After both the girls are clean and less moody, they knock on the door across their room. Room A/203 is where Ymir and Krista live.

"Reiner, for the last time, Krista is NOT going to –" Ymir opens the door to find Sasha and Mikasa standing there with confused looks on their faces.

"What are you doing here?" asks Ymir suspiciously. "Are you trying to bother Krista about last night?"

"Is that Reiner?" comes Krista's voice from within the room. "Tell him that I'm not going to –"

"No, it's Sasha and Mikasa," Ymir yells back. "They probably want to pick up from where they left off last night."

"Actually, we just wanted to talk to Krista," says Mikasa.

Before Ymir can reply, Krista appears before the two girls and throws her arms around Sasha's waist. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" she wails. "Please don't be mad at me! I didn't mean to say those things! I was drunk, I swear!"

"We, uh," Sasha starts, watching Ymir carefully pry Krista off her body, "don't remember anything about last night, actually."

Ymir and Krista exchange glances. "Nothing at all?" asks Ymir.

"Well, not _nothing_ ," clarifies Sasha. "We remember what happened before we got drunk, and I sort of have memories of really random events that happened last night. One of them was Krista, uh, slapping me. We just wanted to ask her if she knew anything about it."

Ymir smirks. "Well, if you don't remember anything, neither do we. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a ton of packing to do. Goodbye." She tries to slam the door on Sasha and Mikasa's faces.

But before she can do so, Mikasa lodges her foot in the doorway, preventing it from closing. "We're not going anywhere," she says quietly. "Sasha and I are going to come in, and you're going to tell us what we need to know."

There is a staring contest between Ymir and Mikasa for a few seconds. Finally, Ymir relents. "Whatever," she mutters, pushing the door open and granting the two access into the room.

Ymir and Krista's room appears to be much neater than Sasha and Mikasa's. A few piles of clothing have been folded and placed on one of the beds, while a suitcase lies open at its foot. Krista is huddled up in the corner, sitting on another suitcase. Her eyes are red and puffy. Her face is pallid and her white bunny slippers are on the wrong feet. The lights in the room have been turned off and the curtains have been drawn. All the signs point to Krista being hungover, just like them.

"So, uh, what gives?" asks Sasha. "What happened last night?"

Krista turns red. "I, uh, don't remember quite well." She lowers her head. "You see, I don't really feel well this morning, and –"

"Shhh," Ymir places her hand on Krista's shoulder and gives her a sympathetic smile. "Don't trouble yourself, okay? I'll tell them." She turns to Sasha and Mikasa. "You have to understand that whatever happened was NOT Krista's fault at all. If you want to blame anyone, blame that crazy cousin of yours, Hange Whatever-Her-Last-Name-Is. And Reiner, of course."

"We weren't blaming anyone," corrects Mikasa. "We actually –"

Ymir holds up her hand to silence her guest. "It all started with Krista being sweet and kind to everyone as usual..."

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Palace Ballroom**

"Why, good evening, Sasha," says Krista, hugging the birthday girl. "And a very happy birthday to you!"

"Thank you, Krista!" replies Sasha. "You're so sweet!"

"I know," says Krista, flashing a beautiful smile. She curtseys for Eren and Jean. "Good evening, gentlemen. I trust you both are enjoying yourself tonight?"

"We are," Eren and Jean respond. "You look beautiful in that dress, Krista."

"Thank you, gentlemen," Krista holds the edges of her Victorian ball gown and gives a small twirl. "And you two look very dashing in your bolo ties!"

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Room A/203**

"Hang on," interrupts Mikasa. "Pretty sure that's not how it went down."

Ymir gives her the evil eye. "Pretty sure that's _exactly_ how it went down."

However, Mikasa refuses to back down. "Pretty sure Krista wasn't wearing a Victorian ball gown to a high school party."

"Pretty sure Krista makes everything she wears look as beautiful as a Victorian ball gown." Ymir counters.

An irk mark has appeared on Mikasa's forehead. "Pretty sure Eren didn't wear a bolo tie last night." she argues. "Pretty sure Eren wouldn't want to be caught dead in a bolo tie."

Ymir grits her teeth. "Pretty sure you're just being a –"

"Ymir, please," Krista beseeches. "Just tell her what she wants to hear."

"Fine," her roommate concedes, crossing her arms across her chest. "But I warn you, the story's a lot more boring when Krista isn't being a goddess."

Sasha and Mikasa exchange glances. "Yeah, I think we can live with that," says Mikasa.

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

"This punch tastes like ass," Ymir complains, making a face. "I wonder what Sasha's cousin put in it."

"Really?" Krista frowns. "I think it tastes wonderful! I've never had anything like it before!" She pauses and stares at her glass. "Then again, I've never had ass before, so I don't know what that tastes like."

Ymir eyes Krista's glass. "Exactly how many of those have you had?"

"Two?" Krista's face scrunches up. "Three? I honestly don't remember."

Ymir sighs. "I take my eyes off you for one second, and you're already half drunk. That's it. You're never leaving my sight again."

"Right," nods Krista. "Hey, could you please get me some more punch? I simply can't get enough of it!"

Ymir scowls at Krista. "Weren't you listening to anything I said? You're not having any more punch. Period."

"But...but..." Krista's blue eyes widen. She sticks out her bottom lip and puffs out her cheeks, like she's going to cry. "I really like the punch..."

"Alright, alright, I'm going!" says Ymir hastily. "I'll get you more punch! Just...stop making that face, okay? You make want to, I don't know, hug some puppies or something."

"Thanks, Ymir, you're the best!" says Krista happily. Ymir smiles at her and heads off to the makeshift bar.

From across the room, Ymir spots Reiner make his way over to where Krista is standing alone. He whispers something into her ear and Krista turns scarlet.

 _Oh hell no._

Ymir stomps over to Krista and Reiner, the glasses in her hand trembling with the force of her footsteps.

"Here," she dumps them both into Krista's hand.

She rolls up her sleeves and turns to face Reiner. "What did you just say to her, asshole?"

Reiner smirks, infuriating her more. "Why? Are you jealous? Do you want me to lean over and whisper it into your ear, too?"

"You're so full of yourself, aren't you?" Ymir hisses. "You think that just because you complimented Krista she's going to lick your boots for you now?"

"I was hoping that Krista would lick more than my boots, actually." replies Reiner, gesturing to his crotch.

Ymir's hand reflexively forms a first. Normally, she wouldn't think twice before punching the lights out of Reiner for a comment like that. However, minutes ago she had witnessed Mikasa Ackerman slap the birthday girl on the face, causing quite a stir in the room. No, she had to control herself. She couldn't embarrass Krista or Sasha like that.

"Get lost," she mutters, turning away. She is about to take her drink from Krista and drag her away, when she notices Krista holding two _empty_ glasses in her hand.

"Did you...did you just drink both of those?" she says slowly.

In response, Krista studies both of the glasses, one after the other. Reiner and Ymir watch her silently. Finally Krista looks up at both of them and grins. "Oops?"

Ymir slams her palm against her own forehead. "Great," she tells Reiner. "Now look at what you've done."

"Me?" Reiner feigns innocence. "How is it my fault that she's drunk? Who's the one who gave her those drinks in the first place, huh?"

"Well, you shouldn't have whispered whatever filthy nonsense you were thinking of to her," argues Ymir. She wonders if she should get Krista some water. Then again, she's pretty sure that the clear liquid on Hange's table isn't water.

"You can't just go around accusing people, you know," Reiner gives her that infuriating smirk that drives her nuts. "Krista and I were just having a completely innocent conversation. About fruits."

"Fruits?" asks Ymir, unable to stop herself.

"Fruits," answers Reiner, his smile widening. Ymir immediately regrets asking him about it. "All kinds of fruits. Peaches. Pears. Oranges. And, my personal favorite, apples. Do you like apples, Ymir?"

Ymir immediately regrets not punching Reiner when she had the chance. "Reiner, you better be talking about PG-13 apples. The edible kind."

Reiner's smirk grows even wider. "But Ymir, every kind of fruit is edible. If you know how to eat it, that is. That's exactly what I was telling Krista. That if she lets me, I'll show her the right way to eat an apple. If you know what I mean." He winks at Ymir.

She can't take it anymore. She is going to smite him. Right now. But before she can do anything, Krista steps in.

"Shut up, Reiner," she says.

Ymir and Reiner are taken aback for a moment. Did Krista Lenz just tell someone to shut up?

"What." is Reiner's response.

"Your pickup lines are lame and so are you," Krista's stare pierces through Reiner and momentarily stuns him. "Did you seriously think that comparing my ass to a fruit was gonna get you laid? If that's your strategy in picking up chicks, the only person who's actually going to have sex with you is this guy," She taps on Reiner's right hand.

A silence falls over the group.

"Whoa," whispers Ymir.

Reiner stands there for a few moments, his mouth open. Without another word, he turns around and walks away.

Ymir waits until he's gone and then places her hand on Krista's shoulder. "Krista, that was awesome!"

"Yeah, don't touch me," says Krista.

Ymir's smile fades. "Excuse me?"

"You're clingy and annoying," replies Krista. "And you keep treating me like I'm your property or whatever. So tonight I'm going to go where I want, talk to who I want and drink whatever the fuck I want. Okay? Okay. Later."

Like Reiner, Ymir has the same reaction. "What."

She watches Krista sashay away to get another drink. As she stands there, she tries to process whatever Krista just said to her. But she knows that Krista isn't herself right now. She has to follow her, and stop her from saying something she'll regret tomorrow.

Apparently being drunk unleashes Krista's inner bitch. Ymir stores that information in her head for future use.

Sasha and Mikasa are dancing terribly in the middle of the room. Both of them are completely wasted. But that isn't what's bothering Ymir. What's bothering her is the fact that Bitch Krista is making a beeline for both of them.

"Get off the floor," says Bitch Krista.

"Ooooh Kriiiiistaaaa," slurs Sasha. "Come dance with us!"

"Not if the world was being attacked by giant naked man-eating monsters," replies Bitch Krista, making a face like she smells something terrible. "And I guess you didn't hear me the first time. I asked you two to get off the floor."

"Huh?" Mikasa stops the weird cross dance between the robot and the Harlem Shake that she'd been doing. "Whaddya mean?"

"Your dancing. It hurts my eyes. Please stop."

"Krista, no," Ymir whispers.

"But I like dancing!" whines Mikasa. "I'm having fun! Lots of fun!"

Bitch Krista smirks. "What if I told you that Eren was back there, getting more action from Jean than you've ever gotten in your life?"

"Where?" Mikasa tries to focus on her surroundings, but instead somehow stumbles on her own feet and slips on the floor.

"That's one down," grins Krista. "So, Sasha, are you going to get out of here quietly, or do I have to make you?"

"Krista, stop it," says Ymir firmly, trying to drag her away. "You're drunk."

Sasha just laughs. "Krista, you're drunk! Sweet, innocent Krista is drunk! Guys! Hey, guys! Krista is drunk!"

But Bitch Krista just slaps Ymir's hand away. "Ymir, shut up. Go away. You too, Sasha. Don't make me repeat myself."

"Did widdle Krista have too much too dwink?" asks Sasha, as though she's talking to a child. "Wow. You really have no self-control."

For some reason, that last statement makes the bitch explode.

"YOU? YOU'RE TELLING ME ABOUT SELF-CONTROL? LIKE, SERIOUSLY?" Bitch Krista is screaming. Sasha slumps to the floor in fear, and gazes up at the towering Krista. "YOU'RE, LIKE, THE LAST PERSON TO BE TELLING ME THAT! EVERYBODY CALLS YOU POTATO GIRL BECAUSE YOU ATE A FREAKING POTATO DURING ORIENTATION ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! YOU SNEAK OUT TO THE KITCHENS EVERY NIGHT TO STEAL FOOD! AND, IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH, YOU KEEP STEALING _OUR_ FOOD DURING DINNER AND THAT SUCKS BECAUSE WE CAN'T HAVE ANY!"

Sasha's lower lip begins to tremble.

"YOU'RE A WORTHLESS, PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING AND YOU MAKE ME SICK!" Bitch Krista ends.

The whole room is goes quiet.

But the silence is broken when Sasha Blouse begins wailing like a siren. Tears are streaming down her face and everyone in the room is glaring at Bitch Krista.

Without another word, Ymir picks up Bitch Krista and carries her towards the elevator, ignoring her insults and thrashing.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Room A/203**

"We left the party after that," finishes Ymir. "So, yeah, that's pretty much all I know."

Both Sasha and Mikasa are staring at Krista in horror. Krista, meanwhile, is quietly sobbing on her suitcase.

"Again, let me remind you that she didn't know what she was saying," Ymir is quick to repeat. "I've already forgiven her for it, and Reiner's opinion doesn't matter, so..."

"Sasha, I'm really sorry!" says Krista through tears. "Ymir's right. I don't remember saying any of that, and I swear I didn't mean any of it! You know that I love you and I really don't mind giving you my food!"

"Strange that you didn't try to stop her, Ymir," ponders Mikasa. She strokes her chin. "I mean, you could have easily dragged her off after she insulted Reiner."

Ymir shrugs. "What can I say? I didn't want to cause a scene."

Mikasa leans forward. "I don't think that's true. I think you _did_ want to cause a scene. In fact, I think you enjoyed the drama so much that you didn't bother stopping her even after she insulted you."

Ymir cracks a smile. "Come on, you have to admit, Krista's hilarious when she's drunk. Aren't you, Krista?" She holds Krista close, nuzzling against her.

Krista shakes her head, tears trailing down her cheeks.

Of course, Sasha's first thought is whether Connie heard Krista insult her. But she doesn't say that.

"That stuff what you said last night...that's what you really think, right?" says Sasha slowly. "You really think that Reiner is lame and Ymir is annoying and Mikasa is pathetic and I'm greedy. But you're too nice to say it to our faces."

Krista just cries harder.

"Stop it, Sasha," snaps Ymir. "Hasn't she been through enough crap already?"

"You're wrong!" cries Krista. "Yeah, sometimes I do wish you could maybe not steal my food every day. But, I don't mind it most of the time, honest!"

Sasha thinks about it for a moment. "Yeah, okay, that works," she nods. Smiling, she hugs Krista. "It's fine. I'm not upset."

"I promise, I am never drinking again," sighs Krista. She holds her head up and groans. "I feel terrible! And Reiner said he'd drive us to the station later, so I have to face him soon and ugh! I can't handle any of this!"

"Tell me about it," agrees Sasha. "Mikasa and I woke up on the roof this morning and we don't even know how we got there. Are you sure you two don't remember anything else?"

"Positive," nods Ymir. "I only remember Mikasa slapping you. Like I said, we left after that."

"Right, right," Sasha nods. She stands up to leave. "Well, thanks for everything, Ymir and Bitch Krista. Have a great summer."

But before she can leave, Mikasa clears her throat.

"So, um," says Mikasa quietly. "Is no one going to talk about the kind of action Eren was getting from Jean?"


	5. What Reiner Remembers

**Sunday, July 27, Dining Hall**

"I can't believe that they kept breakfast out this late!" says Sasha happily, helping herself to more eggs. "I mean, it's like ten now and the breakfast counter is usually closed by nine on Sundays. I'm telling you, the kitchen staff loves me!"

"For stealing the food they work so hard to prepare every night? Yeah, I don't think so." Mikasa places a loaf of bread on her tray. "It's probably because half of our class is still asleep. You know, sooner or later the Principal's going to find out about last night, what with everyone behaving so weirdly and all."

"Eh," Sasha shrugs and pulls out a chair. "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it."

While it's true that Sasha doesn't really care about the Principal, she's actually terrified about something else. She doesn't want to learn about what happened between Connie and her last night. Yes, the whole night was fun yet embarrassing and she'd probably erase the event from the history of time if she could, but she's especially worried about the aborted kiss. Because if what she remembers is true, it means that her friendship with Connie is as good as over. They can't be expected to go on being friends if one of them is in love with the other.

No more midnight kitchen raids. No more pretend kung-fu fighting during P.E. No more emoji-drawing on his bald head.

Her heart breaks a little more every time she thinks of it.

Speaking of Connie, she has yet to hear from him today. She hasn't checked her phone all morning in the fear that the dreaded "TERMINATE FRIENDSHIP – EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY" text might be waiting for her. And she hasn't run into him all day either, which means that her suspicions are true: he is avoiding her, just like she is him.

Swallowing hard, she forces her attention back to the present.

Like Mikasa said, the dining hall is almost empty. A few bleary-eyed third-years here and there are cradling cups of coffee and staring at Sasha. One of them even flashes a thumbs-up sign at her.

Sasha ignores them and lifts her chopsticks to her mouth. It's at that moment that she notices Reiner and Bertolt shuffling into the dining hall like zombies.

She nudges Mikasa in the side and nods at the boys. "Look who's here."

Mikasa's face hardens. "You talk to them. I'll take the door." She marches off to block the exit.

When Bertolt notices Mikasa marching to the exit with a grim expression, it is too late to escape. They turn around to find Sasha Blouse in their way.

"Going somewhere, Mr. I-puked-on-Annie-last-night?" Sasha grins at them.

"Dammit, Reiner!" yells Bertolt. "You said that no one noticed! You lied to me!"

Reiner rolls his eyes. "What do you want, Potato Girl? I don't have any food for you."

"You're in luck," replies Sasha. "I'm not looking for food at the moment. I just want information. Now, if you'll follow me to our table –"

"Bertolt, NOW!" roars Reiner. The two turn around and race for the door, only to run face-first into Mikasa Ackerman.

Mikasa snorts and drags the boys, both weighing approximately one hundred and eighty kilos combined, towards their table.

"I think you two owe us an explanation," she says.

"What explanation?" asks Reiner.

"Bertolt. Last night. We don't remember a thing." She points to her head. "Hungover."

"I don't want to talk about it," replies Bertolt, turning scarlet. "It was pretty embarrassing."

"It was MY party," Sasha narrows her eyes at him. "I think I need to know what happened."

Reiner leans forward. "And what if we don't tell you?" he asks.

From across the table, Mikasa leans forward too. "Remember what Krista said about your right hand? Well, if something were to happen to it, like, say, two angry girls _breaking_ it, chances are you'll never get laid. Like, ever."

Reiner leans forward and slams his head against the table.

"Alright, you win!" he cries. "We'll tell you what happened! But can we at least have something to eat first?"

Mikasa glances sideways at Sasha, who sighs and pushes her eggs towards the boys.

"Whoa. _You're_ sharing food with us?" Reiner's eyes widen. "So where's the real Sasha then?"

Sasha rolls her eyes at them. "Just eat it before I change my mind."

"Thank you, Sasha," says Bertolt softly. "Reiner, tell them about last night."

Reiner raises an eyebrow at Bertolt. "You cool with that, man? You don't have to do this, you know."

Bertolt shakes his head. "Sasha gave us her food. It's the least we can do for her."

"Fine, whatever," shrugs Reiner. "So I assume you two know about Krista?"

Mikasa smirks. "That you called her an apple and asked to eat her? Yeah. Not even Jean can top a pickup line that cheesy. What about her?"

Reiner glares at Mikasa. "This happened after that..."

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

"Welp." Reiner plops onto the couch Bertolt is sitting on. The drink he is holding spills onto his front. Annoyed, he pulls the edge of Bertolt's shirt towards him to dab at the stains. "Struck out with Krista already. You win." He pulls out a single note of currency from his pocket and slaps it into Bertolt's palm.

"Please don't use my shirt as napkin," murmurs Bertolt. "It's a new shirt that I bought last week and I..." He trails off when he realizes that Reiner isn't listening.

"I need to step up my game," laments Reiner. His eyes travel all over the room, searching for a new target. "I can't believe that Krista didn't fall my apple line! It's a classic! At Shifter Junior High, I got three girls to go out with me just by using that line!"

"You've never had a girlfriend before," mutters Bertolt under his breath. "I've known you for four years now, and you've never dated anyone during those years."

As expected, Reiner ignores him.

"Who should I approach next?" Reiner muses, narrowing his eyes at the girls. "All the girls in our class are prudes. I mean, are _any_ of them worth it?"

His tall friend turns red.

"Let's see," Reiner fixates on the girls he knows. "Krista, struck out. Ymir, lesbian. Sasha, into the idiot with the shaved head. Mikasa, obsessed with the hot-headed asshole. Annie..." His eyes rest on the petite blond girl standing alone in the corner of the room.

Bertolt, who had been taking a sip of beer, spit takes. The violent coughing that follows prompts Reiner to slap him repeatedly on the back.

"You okay, man?" Reiner asks, concerned.

"Yeah. Totally. Absolutely." Bertolt wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. "Maybe you should lay off the girls for tonight and just enjoy the party. I mean, Annie would probably kick your ass if you so much as opened your mouth in front of her. We could have a quiet night instead – drink, play some games, etcetera. Doesn't that sound like fun?"

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Dining Hall**

"I'm sorry," says Reiner apologetically. "I don't remember the rest of the story."

"Aw, really?" Sasha pouts. "Because the story was just getting good!"

Reiner shakes his head. "It's this problem I have," he says sadly. "Runs in the family. Mom, Grandma, my sisters – they all have it. For some reason we just can't remember stuff on an empty stomach!"

Sasha glares at him and stabs her bread with her chopsticks. She continues stabbing the bread in anger, ignoring the looks Mikasa is giving her. All the while, her murderous gaze is focused on the smirking Reiner.

Finally, she relents and pushes her food towards him. "Continue."

Reiner's smile widens as he goes on with his story.

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

The sudden suggestion causes Reiner to face Bertolt curiously. "Dude, do you _not_ want me to get laid tonight? Or do you want the Braunmeister all to yourself?" He waggles his eyebrows suggestively at his roommate.

"Braunmeister?" Bertolt raises an eyebrow.

"Or is it that –" Reiner leans closer to Bertolt, "you don't want me to hit on Annie?"

As expected, Bertolt turns crimson. "I – I don't know what you're talking about!" he sputters.

Reiner flashes his characteristic smirk. "Oh man. You like her! You totally like her! You should see your face right now!"

"I don't like her," Bertolt refuses to meet Reiner's gaze. He finishes the rest of his beer in a single gulp. "She's just a classmate."

"Sure, sure," nods his blond friend. After a few seconds, he asks, "So, how long has it been?"

"Four years," replies Bertolt automatically. As soon as he realizes what he's done, he bites his tongue. "Dammit!"

"Gotcha!" sings Reiner. His expression softens when he notices how embarrassed Bertolt is. "You really like her, huh?"

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Dining Hall**

Reiner clears his throat. "Ahem. Has _none_ of you girls realized that Bertolt's coffee cup is half-empty?"

Bertolt looks pained. "Reiner, it's fine –"

"No, it isn't!" Reiner slams his fist on the table. "How do they expect us to remember this super important story when we don't have enough coffee? Seriously, girls, step on it. Chop chop." He snaps his fingers and holds out Bertolt's coffee cup to Mikasa.

Mikasa, however, has had enough. She accepts the cup and slowly places it beside Bertolt. "Bertolt can get his own coffee," she says quietly. "And you can finish the story without stopping in between. That is, if you don't want that coffee cup shoved up your ass."

Reiner gulps.

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

Crushing the red cup in his large hand, Bertolt nods.

Reiner studies Bertolt for a while, thinking. Finally, he announces, "It's decided, then. I'm not getting laid tonight _. You_ are."

Confused, Bertolt just blinks at Reiner. "Huh?"

"You're going to confess to Annie," explains Reiner. "She's gonna say yes, and you're gonna get laid. That's the plan."

Bertolt shakes his head in disbelief. "Reiner, you're insane. I'm not doing that."

"Come on," his blond friend coaxes. "Don't tell me that you've never thought about...you know..." he thrusts his hips forwards.

If it was possible, Bertolt would've turned even redder than he already is. "I don't think about stuff like that."

Reiner sighs. "Dude. You gotta give me something to work with here. Okay, tell me this: don't you ever fantasize about dating Annie?"

"Um," his taller friend bites his lip in nervousness. "Sometimes...I think about...what holding her hand would be like..."

"Aaaargh!" Reiner clutches his hair in frustration. "Dude! You are so LAME! Like, seriously? Holding hands with her is your ultimate fantasy?" He shakes his head and stands up. "You, my friend, are gonna need some serious help. Wait here."

Within seconds, Reiner returns back to the couch. "Hey, Bert. I've got a lovely little lady here to meet you."

Out of the corner of his eye, Bertolt can see Annie leaning against the wall, looking bored. He wonders what Reiner is up to now. "Who is it?"

Reiner grins and holds up a shot glass. "Bertolt, this is Tequila. Tequila, this is Bertolt. Say hi, Bert." He hands him the glass filled with orange liquid.

Bertolt stares at the glass. "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Easy," Reiner demonstrates with a glass of his own. "Tequila suggests that you drink her in a single gulp. Then she wants you to follow me to the bar to meet the rest of her friends. And after you make friends with Tequila's friends, she'll tell you how to get Annie to go out with you."

"I don't know," Bertolt eyes the glass suspiciously. "I feel like this is –"

"JUST TAKE THE SHOT YOU PANSY!" yells Reiner.

Panicked, Bertolt gulps down the sour liquid and stands there in shock. Reiner waits for the alcohol to sink in.

"Come on," he pushes Bertolt to the drinks table, where Hange has helpfully placed three Tequila shots ready and waiting for them. "Here. Tequila's other friends wanna meet you."

Bertolt is hesitant, but still goes ahead with it. Because no matter how much he tries to deny it, deep down there's a part of him that really wants Annie to be his girlfriend. He knows that he is never going to speak to her while he's sober, given that he's had a crush on her ever since their first day at Shifter Junior High and has yet to say a word to her. If he could get through three years of junior high without speaking to her, it's safe to assume that his high school years are destined to go down the same route.

After three more shots, Bertolt stands up. He's nauseous and the room is spinning, but one thing is clear and steady in his Wobble-O-Vision – Annie Leonhart.

"Go on, Bertolt," Reiner whispers in his ear. "What's Tequila telling you to do?"

Bertolt thinks about this. All he wants to do is talk to Annie. To find out what her favorite color is and what she likes to eat. And he also wants to know if she'll be his girlfriend.

But there's an uneasy feeling developing in the pit of his stomach. This feeling is telling him that now may not be the best time to ask Annie this.

Bertolt tells this feeling to fuck off. He's been listening to it for almost four years now, and it hasn't gotten him any closer to her. Tonight, he's going to take Tequila's advice – he's gonna go talk to Annie.

Shakily, Bertolt makes his way towards the blond girl standing by herself. With every step he takes, he fights nausea and the urge to turn back, and finally arrives at his destination.

He tries to remember how to make his mouth form words. "HI ANNIE," he says finally.

Annie looks surprised. Not because, as he thinks, he's finally speaking to her. Rather, she's surprised because the extremely tall Bertolt Hoover is hovering over her and is now screaming in her face.

"Hello," she replies.

Bertolt mentally high-fives himself. Step One, complete. What did Tequila tell him to say next? Oh, that's right. Her favorite color.

"WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?" he asks. Or rather, he _yells_. He simply doesn't realize that she can hear him just fine.

Annie raises her eyebrow at the sudden question. "White," she answers, observing him as if to see what he'll do next.

Bertolt nods happily. Tequila's advice is working better than he expected. He smothers another wave of nausea. What was he supposed to do next? He can't remember. Oh no. Now what?

Panicked, he says the first thing that comes to his mind. "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL."

Annie looks startled. She isn't used to boys randomly coming up to her and telling her she's beautiful. A warm glow floods her chest and she blushes. "Thanks."

Bertolt, meanwhile, is horrified. What did he just say? That wasn't what Tequila said. Even though Reiner, who has been listening to the whole conversation, is giving him the thumbs-up, he's filled with terror. The nausea has returned and is pushing against his throat.

She's looking at him. She's expecting him to say something. So he says the first thing he thinks of.

"I LOVE – _BLEUUURGHHHHH_."

Unfortunately, he is unable to complete his confession because his body chooses that very moment to hurl all over Annie Leonhart.

This is the single worst moment of Bertolt Hoover's life.

Everything he has consumed so far is draped over Annie in the ugliest way possible. This includes four shots, two beers and the five Giant Apple Pretz Reiner had given him earlier. All of this is now covering her in a sickly, orange, semi-liquid form.

For a moment, time stands still. Annie's face is twisted into a rare expression of shock; Reiner's red cup has slipped out of his hand and spilled onto the floor; Sasha's eyes are bulging out of her skull.

Bertolt panics.

"REINER!" he wails, unaware of the fact that most of the people in the room can hear him. "REINER, I HURLED! I HURLED ALL OVER ANNIE! SHE LOOKS SO GROSS! DO YOU THINK ANYONE SAW ME?"

Reiner turns crimson with shame and stares at the floor, begging it to open up and swallow him whole.

"REINER!" Bertolt cries. "WHAT SHOULD I DO? SHOULD I KEEP HITTING ON HER? DO YOU THINK I STILL HAVE A CHANCE WITH HER?"

Reiner wants to be anywhere right now, except here.

Annie, on the other hand, blinks at Bertolt for a whole minute. Finally, she turns around and walks away, her face showing no emotion.

"REINER, SHE LEFT!" Bertolt is still panicked. "TELL ME WHAT TO DO! SHOULD I FOLLOW HER?"

Everyone is staring at Reiner, waiting for him to say something. Reiner swallows. His actions now could make or break his high school reputation.

He approaches Bertolt slowly.

"REINER, WHERE WERE YOU?" Bertolt grabs Reiner by the shoulders and shakes them. "DID YOU SEE THAT? IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING! I HOPE NO ONE SAW ME!"

"It's okay, buddy," murmurs Reiner. He rubs Bertolt's back gently. "No one saw a thing. Come on, let's get out of here."

Together, they make their way out of the building, ignoring the stares of everyone around them.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Dining Hall**

Mikasa and Sasha exchange glances. They can't decide if they should laugh or feel bad for Bertolt.

"That's all, I guess," says Reiner sullenly. "Can you two leave us alone now?"

"Gladly," replies Mikasa, slipping out of her chair. She walks away from their table.

Sasha, however, lingers there for a while. "Um, I just wanted to say that – what you did last night? It wasn't as bad you think." she tells Bertolt kindly. "I know that you're really embarrassed right now, and you think that Annie hates you, but she probably doesn't. Just try speaking to her when your stomach's better, okay?"

Bertolt smiles and nods at her.

Sasha returns his smile and races after Mikasa.


	6. What Marco Doesn't Remember

**Sunday, July 27, Fountain**

Sasha and Mikasa face each other. They are both standing under the cherry blossom trees near the fountain, where they have lunch every day. The weather is bright and sunny, and the school grounds are filled with students running around, trying to get some last-minute packing done. Both the hungover girls are shielding their eyes against the harsh sunlight.

A flash of determination glints in both of their eyes. Their stance is reminiscent of old Western movies as they imitate cowboys caught in a standoff. An imaginary piece of tumbleweed rolls away in the background.

"Ready?" whispers Mikasa.

"Ready." Sasha nods.

"Alright. Here goes." Mikasa narrows her eyes.

"ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!" yell the two girls. They stick out their hands.

Sasha has all five fingers extended, while Mikasa has only two of hers out.

"Scissors," announces Mikasa. "I win."

"No fair!" cries Sasha. She points an accusing finger at her roommate. "You cheated! I know you did!"

"Oh?" Mikasa raises an eyebrow. She crosses her arms over her chest. "How exactly does one cheat at rock-paper-scissors?"

"I, uh, don't really know," replies Sasha sheepishly. "But I'm sure you cheated! So that makes me the winner! And as the winner, I say we go see Eren first, instead of Armin!"

"Stop acting so immature," says Mikasa. "Just because Connie is Armin's roommate it doesn't mean that we have to avoid Armin too. Like I said, we HAVE to find out what happened last night before we go home. And that includes finding out about the story behind Armin and Marco's terrible singing."

Mikasa has hit the nail on the head, as usual. Sasha doesn't tell her that.

"Okay, two things," Sasha holds up two fingers before Mikasa. "One, it's pretty hypocritical of you to say that I'm being immature when the whole reason we played that stupid game is because you're too chicken to face Eren, like me with Connie. And two, do we really need to see Armin? He and Marco got drunk and sung badly. Is there even a story there?"

Mikasa smirks at Sasha. "Come on. Don't tell me that you don't want to hear about Marco and Armin being drunk and embarrassing themselves. As Armin's childhood friend, I need something to tell his grandpa when we get home. How else am I going to humiliate him?"

Sasha shakes her head. "Ackerman, you're evil."

Mikasa just rolls her eyes. "Earth to pot. This is kettle. You're black. Come on, let's go."

"Hang on," Sasha grabs Mikasa's wrist to prevent her from walking away. "If Marco and Armin were singing last night, and I don't want to see Armin, why can't we just ask Marco what happened?"

"Simple," replies Mikasa. "It's because –"

"Didn't think of that, didja?" asks Sasha.

"I didn't think of that," admits Mikasa. "Let's go find Marco."

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Student Lounge (Boys)**

They don't have to go to Marco's room to find him. He's sitting in the student lounge of the boys' dormitory, reading the newspaper. When he sees Sasha and Mikasa approaching him, he jumps up in surprise.

"Good morning, girls," he tries to smile, but it isn't his trademark Marco Bodt smile. It's a sad smile that doesn't quite meet his eyes.

"Hey, Marco," Sasha greets. "What are you doing here?"

"He's reading the newspaper," Mikasa points out.

Sasha makes a face. "I can see that. It's just weird to see him here alone. He's usually with Jean and the rest of the guys."

"Uh, Jean is still asleep," says an embarrassed Marco. "And Franz kicked me out of our room so that he could, uh, 'say goodbye' to Hannah." He turns beet red.

"Oh." There is an awkward silence. Mikasa and Sasha slowly seat themselves on the couch next to him.

As Sasha suspected, there is no sign of Connie Springer in his own dormitory either.

The pain is worse than hunger.

"So, um," Sasha starts. "About last night..."

"Yeah," Marco avoids Sasha's gaze and looks at Mikasa instead. "I figured you'd want to talk about it." He lowers his head. "Before you say anything, please let me apologize for whatever happened. I didn't mean to embarrass you!"

Sasha ponders over his words. Marco is implying that he did something bad last night and embarrassed her in the process. Was his singing really that bad? It can't have been worse than Krista screaming at her, right?

"Here's the thing, Marco," Mikasa explains. "Sasha and I are really hungover, and we don't remember anything about last night. She just has a vague memory of you singing. So we wanted to know what actually happened."

"Oh." For the first time, Marco turns to face Sasha. "That's weird. I was hungover this morning, too. Which is strange because I didn't really drink last night."

"Eh?" Sasha scratches her head. "How did you get drunk without drinking anything?"

Marco shrugs. "Beats me. I just drank the PG stuff, you know? So anyway, when I woke up this morning, I couldn't remember anything about last night."

Mikasa and Sasha catch each other's eyes. "Just like us," frowns Mikasa. "So if you don't remember anything, why did you apologize to Sasha?"

The boy swallows nervously. "I wasn't lying when I said that I forgot everything. Someone had to remind me about it. That's how I know."

"Huh? Who?" asks Sasha.

Marco sighs. Slowly, he pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, fiddles with it for a few seconds and passes it to Mikasa. "See for yourself."

Sasha curiously peers into the device in Mikasa's hand. A video is playing on it, and Marco and Armin are starring in the video.

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

"For Sina's sake," mutters an off-screen voice. "Why do you have to be SUCH A PRICK, Kirstein?"

"Shut up, Yeager," replies a familiar voice. "I've already started filming. And if you think that this is such a bad idea, then why are you here?"

"I didn't say that this was a bad idea," corrects Eren. "I just said that you were a prick. Which you are, bad idea or not."

"Whatever." says Jean. "Look at those drunk fucks over there. When are they going to realize that the stuff they're drinking isn't actually punch?"

Eren and Jean stop talking, allowing Mikasa and Sasha to hear what Marco and Armin are saying.

"Man," says Marco. "I have to know where Sasha got this punch from! It's amazing!"

"Totally!" agrees Armin. "I've already had, like, five of these, and I feel GREAT! And the best part is that it's non-alcoholic, so we won't get drunk like everyone else at this party!"

"You bet!" cheers Marco. They high-five each other.

Jean and Eren snigger in the background.

"Marco," says Armin suddenly. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything, my man," Marco swings an arm around Armin's shoulders.

"Do you," Armin pauses, and studies Marco earnestly. "Do you have a dream?"

"A dream?" echoes Marco. He stares into space for a while. Finally, he replies, "Of COURSE I have a dream! I wanna make the world a better place! Like get rid of global warming and glaciers and dinosaurs and stuff!"

Armin's mouth falls open. "Marco," he says reverently. "That's a great dream! And you're definitely going to achieve it! I believe in you!"

Marco looks into Armin's eyes. "I believe in you too, Armin! You're the best person in the whole world!"

Eren and Jean make gagging noises off-screen.

Armin is saying something, but Sasha and Mikasa can't hear what it is because Jean is interrupting them.

"Yeager, hold my phone," he says. "My arm's cramping up."

"Yeah, right," replies Eren. "I know what you're trying to do, Kirstein. If I hold your phone, my arm's gonna cramp up instead!"

Jean puts down his cell phone to argue with Eren, and Sasha and Mikasa are treated to a few seconds of blank screen and muffled audio. When the phone is finally lifted again, Marco is shaking Armin by the shoulders.

"Armin, no!" he cries. "You have to do it! You have to fulfill your dream!"

"But I can't do it, Marco!" Armin protests. "I'm not brave enough!"

"Believe in yourself, Armin," Marco shakes his fist in Armin's face. "Or DON'T believe in yourself! Believe in me! Believe in the me who believes in the you!"

"What anime is that line from?" whispers Jean.

"One of those giant robot ones, I think," replies Eren. "Didn't know that Marco was into that kind of stuff."

"Oh, Marco's into a lot of stuff you don't know about," says Jean. "See that thing Armin's holding? One time he –"

"Shut up , Kirstein," hisses Eren. "What is Armin doing now?"

Armin is tapping on a large wooden table that's been pushed to the corner of the room. "You're right, Marco, it's perfect!" He slowly climbs to the top of the table.

"Ahem," Armin clears his throat. "Hey everyone!"

Nobody is paying any attention to him, because he is Armin Arlert.

"Guys," says Armin helplessly. "I have something really important to say!"

"Yay, Armin!" cheers Marco. No one cares.

Armin sighs in frustration. "WHO WANTS TO SEE ME TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF?" he screams.

The whole room applauds. The music is abruptly turned off, and Armin is given the attention he wants.

"Okay," Armin gives them a grateful smile. "Everyone, I have a dream. And tonight, I'm going to make it come true."

"GET NAKED!" commands someone in the room.

"I really like singing," continues Armin. "But I've always been too shy to sing in front of other people. So tonight, I'm gonna fulfill my dream! I'm going to sing my favorite song!"

"NOBODY CARES! WE JUST WANNA KNOW IF YOU HAVE A PENIS OR NOT!" hollers a drunk voice, one that sounds distinctly like Hange's.

"Does anyone know the song, 'What's Going On?' by 4 Non Blondes?" Armin asks.

"NO!" everyone shouts.

"Hit it, Moblit!" Armin imitates Elvis and swivels his arms, pointing them at Moblit the DJ. Moblit looks terrified and hides under his equipment.

"Are you two filming your own friend embarrassing himself?" asks another off-screen voice. Sasha recognizes it as Levi Ackerman, Hange's friend.

"What do you want?" asks Jean rudely.

"Kirstein, he's an upperclassman! You can't talk to him like that!" says Eren.

"You may want to listen to your brat friend here," Levi drawls. "If you keep filming this, you're going to have a bad time."

"Yeah, whatever. Go away." Jean snaps.

"Fine. Don't say I didn't warn you, though." Levi replies.

When the screen returns back to Armin, he has already begun singing, accompanied by some fabulous moves.

" _And so I wake in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream at the top of my lungs what's going on?_ "

"Simply fabulous ~ " praises Jean. "Go, Armin!"

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Student Lounge (Boys)**

"Should we keep watching this?" Sasha asks Mikasa, her face scrunched into an expression of discomfort. "My cringe levels are going through the roof here."

"Oh, it gets worse," Marco nods grimly.

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

" _Twenty-five years and my life is_ _still_ _trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destinationnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn_ " Armin finishes.

The room is completely silent.

Marco breaks out in thunderous applause. Everyone else is staring at Armin, their jaws slack and their expressions displaying complete and utter bewilderment.

Meanwhile, Eren and Jean (and by extension, Mikasa and Sasha) are trying their best to hold back their laughter.

"What," says Eren, "the FUCK was that?"

"Screw that," Jean snorts between giggles. "Who knew that Armin was so damn FABULOUS?"

The screen focuses on Armin, who does a hair flip worthy of a shampoo commercial.

"Thank you all," he slurs, raising an oddly-shaped object with a rounded end that doubles as his mike. Nobody bothers to tell him what it is, nor do they bother to take it away from him. "And now, the guy who's gonna get rid of the dinosaurs is gonna sing for us! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my man, Marco Bodt!"

"Oh no," whispers Jean.

"Armin, no!" Marco declines, shaking his head furiously. "I can't sing!"

"HEY!" Armin yells. "DO YOU GUYS WANNA HEAR MARCO SING?"

"HELL YEAH!" roar the guests. Their shift in enthusiasm is evident; while no one gives a fuck about Armin Arlert, everyone will cheer at anything Marco-related.

"Come on, Marco!" Armin holds out his hand to help Marco up. "Sing for us!"

"Well, okay," Marco blushes furiously. "Since you insist..."

"YAY!" everyone cheers. "MAR-CO! MAR-CO! MAR-CO!"

"So, um," Marco takes the phallic microphone from Armin. "I wanna dedicate this song to three awesome people here today. Armin, my man. Thanks for believing in me. I love you so much."

Everyone screams because Marco is saying something that sounds yaoi.

"Jean, my best friend. We've been friends for a really long time, and you're an idiot, but I love you so much."

Everyone fangirls because JeanMarco. Yes, everyone in Titan Academy ships it too.

"Fuck," Jean whispers.

"Sasha, the birthday girl. You're having a terrible evening, and I wanna make you feel better. Cause you're a babe. I love you so much."

"Yay," says everyone, less excitedly.

"And I also love each and every one of you here today. Yes, even you, Thomas." Marco announces. "So, anyway, who here likes John Mayer?"

"Eeeeeeee!" A girl in the room is trying not to faint. "I love you too, Marco!"

"Thanks." Marco points at that particular female, who is on the verge of passing out with excitement. "This song is called 'Half of My Heart.'"

As soon as Marco begins singing, it is evident that he is no John Mayer. His singing is just as bad as Armin's, if not worse. Sasha cringes at the first few lines of the song and fights the urge to run screaming from the building. Mikasa wonders if Eren and Jean want to do the same thing.

"Goddammit." Jean puts down his cell phone. "I can't watch this."

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Student Lounge (Boys)**

"Jean's right," Sasha says, forcing Mikasa to put down the phone. "I can't watch this either."

"It IS pretty embarrassing," Marco admits.

"Pretty? You're kidding me, right?" Sasha looks at Marco like he is delusional. "This is like, the Double Quarter Pounder of embarrassing. I don't even know if you'll live this one down."

Marco gives her a strange look. "Um, no offense, Sasha, but shouldn't you be telling yourself that? I mean, you did get embarrassed yesterday too. Like, a lot."

Sasha sighs. Suddenly, she notices Mikasa turned away from them, Marco's phone still in her hand.

"Mikasa, what the hell? Are you still watching that?"

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

" _Your faith is strong,"_ Marco sings, _"but I can only fall short for so long down the road, later on, you will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart_ "

He stops abruptly and addresses the crowd.

"So, uh, this is the part where Taylor Swift jumps in," he explains. "Armin, you should be Taylor Swift for this song!"

"I would LOVE to be Taylor Swift!" says Armin happily.

"Okay, I take back everything I said. This is so fabulous that I can't stop watching it!" Jean says.

"Armin is fabulous," says Eren firmly.

"That he is," agrees Jean.

" _But I can't stop loving you_ " sings Marco.

" _I can't stop loving you_ " sings Armin.

" _I can't stop loving you "_

" _I can't stop loving you "_

 _"With half of my heart "_

They turn around, so that their backs face each other. Together, the point at Sasha as they sing. The video then shows a very drunk Sasha, who squees.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Student Lounge (Boys)**

"I can't decide if that was awesome or embarrassing," Sasha sighs.

"You should stop interrupting to give your own commentary," Mikasa says. "This isn't that story."

"Sorry." Sasha replies. "Back to the video."

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

Meanwhile, Marco and Armin have not yet stopped their caterwauling.

" _Half of my heart's got a real good imagination half of my heart's got you half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you that half of my heart won't do "_

"His singing reminds me of the last time my cat was in heat," murmurs Eren. "And she kept us up all night looking for a mate. Although that wasn't as bad as this..."

"You think that's bad? I'm a musician, Yeager." Jean states. "Think about how terrible this sounds to ME. Ah, my poor, sensitive ears."

"Holy Rose. Now I'm imagining Marco and Armin in a band." Eren pauses. "That would NOT end well."

After their performance, Marco and Armin bow to their audience shamelessly. "Thank you all!" Armin enthuses. "You've been a wonderful audience! Thank you for helping me fulfill my dream! Good night!"

"ASDFGHJKJLFJNDKNS," say the girls in the audience. "MARCO, YOU ROCK!"

The music is turned back on, and everyone resumes dancing. Marco and Armin jump off the table and collapse on the floor.

"Okay," says Jean, putting down his phone. "That was totally –"

"The most awesome and fabulous thing you've ever seen?" finishes Eren. "A meme-worthy performance? Excellent blackmail material for Armin and Marco? All of the above?"

"And we finally agree on something, Yeager," says Jean. "I'm gonna send this to Marco right now. I can't wait to see the look on his face when he plays this tomorrow morning."

The video ends.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Student Lounge (Boys)**

"Um," is the best thing Sasha can come up with.

Mikasa tries to respond. "Uh," she says. Both the girls are at a loss for words. They are avoiding each other's eyes. It becomes obvious to Marco that they are trying to keep their faces straight, as they are squirming in their seats in silence, struggling not to give in.

Marco sighs. "It's okay, you can laugh," he says. "I won't hold it against you."

"BWAHAHAHA!" Sasha bursts out laughing, while Mikasa chuckles softly. "Oh man! That was so embarrassing! Poor Marco! And you're such a terrible singer! Like, seriously? John Mayer? What possessed you to sing John Mayer at my party? Man, that was awesome!"

A vein pops out on Marco's forehead. "You're one to talk," he says softly. "From what I remember, you've been slapped and screamed at last night."

"At least I wasn't caught on tape!" says Sasha happily.

Marco buries his face in his hands.

"It looks like Jean and you are the only people who have a copy of this," says Mikasa. "If I wear you, I'd be at his feet right now, begging for mercy."

Marco is quiet for a moment. Finally he says, "Do you guys want to go see Jean with me?"

"NO!" says Mikasa.

She's lucky: Mikasa is giving her an out. If she listens to her, they don't have to go see Jean and Eren and she won't have to go upstairs to the boys' rooms. This reduces her chances of running into Connie by a significant amount. She won't run into him when he's in Eren's room trying to find out who took his razor. She won't run into him when he's on the way to the bathroom, trying to wash off the smiley face she'd drawn on his head in permanent marker. She won't run into him when he's looking for her, armed with multiple video links of animated potatoes singing.

A lump forms in her throat.

Sasha claps a hand over Mikasa's mouth and says, "She means yes. We have business with Jean too."

"Oh, okay," Marco gives them a strange look but says nothing else. "Thanks, girls. I really appreciate this. And Sasha, I'm really sorry about embarrassing you last night. I honestly thought that you would feel better if I sang for you."

"Don't worry about it," says Sasha amiably. "I definitely feel better after watching this video. You should concentrate more on how you embarrassed YOURSELF last night."

"Yeah, you're right," Marco sighs. "I mean, I'm the class representative. I have a reputation to uphold." He stands up. "Last I checked, Jean was asleep in his room. He hasn't come down yet, so he's probably still there. Let's go."

Both Marco and Sasha begin walking, but they stop when they realize that they're missing someone. Mikasa is making a face and has parked her butt on the seat of the couch, refusing to move.

Sasha gives her a sad look. She lifts her hand up to gingerly poke at her cheek, which is still smarting from last night.

"Ugh. FINE." Mikasa gets off the couch and drags herself to the elevator. "I'm SO gonna regret this."


	7. What Jean Doesn't Remember

**Sunday, July 27, Room B/203**

"I'm so happy I came," whispers Mikasa.

The three of them are in Room B/203, where is shared by Eren Yeager and Jean Kirstein. A few minutes ago, a sleepy Jean had opened the door to find them there.

"Marco," he murmurs through half-closed eyes. "Potato girl. Mikasa." His eyes widen at the last name. "Holy fuck. Mikasa." He immediately tries to slam the door in their faces, but not before Mikasa jams her foot in the doorway.

"What's wrong?" taunts Sasha. "Too chicken to face us? Mmm. Chicken." She spaces out and drools.

"I, actually, uh," Jean stammers. "Mikasa's here. Mikasa. Mikasa Ackerman. And I'm naked."

That's when the three notice that Jean is dressed in nothing but a pair of black _My Little Pony_ boxers.

Marco turns crimson, but Sasha and Mikasa don't care. "Geez, it's not a big deal. We just wanted to talk." says Sasha, pushing open the door so that they can enter. The three of them file into the room, careful not to step on any of the clothes strewn on the floor.

Jean glares at them. "Come in, make yourselves at home," he says sarcastically. "It's not like you should, I don't know, ASK before you enter someone's room."

"Um," says Marco, not looking at Jean. "Maybe you should put some clothes on."

Jean blinks at them, and realizes for a second time that he is naked. "Oh. Right." He picks up a few stray clothes from the floor and marches out of the room, presumably to the communal bathroom at the end of the floor.

Like the girls' room, Room B/203 looks like a blind man played basketball in there, using the clothes as a ball and the furniture as a hoop. Every inch of the room is covered with clothes and a large heap of them is gathered in the center of the room. Open suitcases lie on both end of the floor and the neck of Jean's guitar sticks out from somewhere beneath the clothes pile. The boys' desks aren't spared either. Eren's soccer cleats are dumped unceremoniously on his desk, while Jean's art supplies are scattered across his.

But the most intriguing object in the room is the hot mass of flesh swaddled on Eren's bed. Mikasa tiptoes to the form and settles down beside it. She pulls the covers away to reveal her sleeping childhood friend, Eren Yeager. His hair is ruffled and he is covered in sweat. Like Jean, all he is wearing is a pair of emerald-green shorts.

Unlike Jean, Eren's semi-nude form is much more impressive. He is in the school soccer club, so he is no stranger to intense workouts. Muscles are making themselves known on his front and arms, and his abs are gaining a slight definition.

"I'm so happy I came," whispers Mikasa.

"Should we wake him up?" asks Marco from Jean's bed.

"How about no," replies Mikasa, unable to tear her eyes away from Eren's abs. "He's gonna annoy all of us about last night, and I really don't wanna hear it."

"I second that," says Sasha. "Jean can tell us everything we need to know."

"Besides," adds Mikasa, "Eren looks like an angel when he's asleep!"

Marco shrugs but says nothing. Sasha's bloodhound nose sniffs out an old packet of potato chips buried under Jean's bed. Within seconds, she finishes off half of them.

Mikasa frowns at the room. "I can't believe their room got so messed up in one night. I just folded all of Eren's clothes yesterday, before the party..." she says sadly.

Marco and Sasha give her a look.

"What?" she asks defensively.

An awkward silence settles into the room as they wait for Jean to return. Suddenly, Sasha notices something. She pokes Marco in the shoulder.

"Marco. Look over there." She points at a black device sticking out from under a stray pair of jeans. "Isn't that Jean's phone?"

Marco squints at the object. Slowly, he hops across the room to pick it up. "You're right! Thanks, Sasha! You saved me!"

"It's what I do," replies Sasha with fake modestly.

Marco quickly navigates through the cell phone and deletes all evidence of his actions last night.

"There!" He sighs with relief. "The slate has been wiped clean. My reputation is still intact. I AM FREE!" He jumps off Jean's bed and does a small dance.

"Good for you, Marco," says Mikasa.

"I guess I should leave then. No reason for me to hang around here anymore." He makes his way to the door. "Thank you both for helping me out. Have a great summer!" He skips out of the room happily, colliding into Jean who has just entered.

"Sorry. My bad. Was on my way out." Marco picks up the clothes Jean dropped and shoves them in his hand.

"Right." Jean watches Marco dance out of the room and across the corridor. He watches him try to enter his own room, only to get screamed at by a naked Franz and equally naked Hannah.

"Idiot," mutters Jean fondly, watching Hannah beat Marco all over with her slipper. "How dumb does he think I am? Does he not know how cloud storage works? Besides, Eren and Armin have copies of the video too."

Sasha reaches for Eren's cell phone under his bed, but Jean slaps her hand away quickly.

"Nope." He waggles his finger teasingly at Sasha. "The video will only be deleted when Marco and Armin have been sufficiently embarrassed."

Sasha throws a pleading gaze at Mikasa, begging her to do something. Mikasa only shrugs.

"Hate to say this, but he's right."

"You're EVIL," hisses Sasha.

"So, ladies," Jean saunters to the door and slams it shut. He's dressed in a pair of black jeans and a striped t-shirt. He is now fresh and clean, and he smells like a meadow, as opposed to his previous odor of Eau de Hobo from the Sewers. Leaning against the door, he asks, "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Cut the crap," says Mikasa, narrowing her eyes at him. "You know why we're here."

Raising an eyebrow, he inquires, "Is this about last night?"

The girls nod.

Jean smirks. "Which bit about last night? When you slapped her? When Krista went into Bitch Mode? When Bertolt multicolor yawned all over Annie? Or when – "

"WE GET IT." says Mikasa flatly. "A lot of embarrassing stuff happened last night. But, no. I was actually talking about you and Eren wrestling."

Jean's expression falters. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Sasha finally stands up and rests her hands on her hips. "You KNOW what I'm talking about. I clearly remember you and Eren wrestling like alligators last night." She pauses and turns to Mikasa. "Or was that an actual horse Eren was wrestling with?"

Jean's face darkens. "Very funny. Now get out." He tries to push her out of his room.

"Jean," Mikasa sighs, and rubs her temples. "We really don't have time for this. Just tell us what we need to know and we'll be on our way out."

Jean stops pushing Sasha to stare at her roommate. "Mikasa, if I could help you, I would. You know that. But right now I really have no fucking clue what you're talking about and I'm pretty sure that you two are playing some sort of sick joke on me, so..."

"Oh Sina," Sasha walks back into the room and slumps down on his bed. "He doesn't remember."

"Uh, sure," says Jean irritably. "I obviously wouldn't remember something that never happened. Now go away."

Behind him, Eren tosses in his sleep. "No," he murmurs. "I'll kill you. I'll kill you all."

The three blink at him in surprise. Mikasa pats Eren on the head softly, as though she's trying to make the bad dreams go away. This gesture irks Jean and he is more resentful than before.

"You two need to get out of here," he warns. "Seriously. Go."

"No, listen to me!" Sasha insists. "Mikasa, I really think he doesn't remember what happened. He's hungover, like us!"

Mikasa frowns. "That's too bad."

For the first time, Jean feels worried. Is it possible that they're actually telling the truth? Did he do something unspeakable last night after he got drunk? Something like wrestling with Yeager, maybe?

Then again, he and Yeager had wrestled plenty of times before. Despite being roommates, they got into fights pretty often, most of which led to a wrestling match. So maybe this wasn't as big a deal as they thought it was.

Hang on. Did they say something about a horse?

"Are you sure you don't remember anything?" asks Mikasa quietly. "Think hard. You may recall something that could help us."

Jean takes her advice and _thinks_. He can clearly remember taking a video of Marco and Armin singing. He remembers sending it to Marco, Eren and Armin's phones. But he doesn't know what happened after that.

All he can remember is a large, silver barrel.

"Keg!" he gasps. "There was a keg!"

Sasha nods, urging him to continue. "And?"

"And..." he sighs. "That's all I remember."

Sasha frowns at Mikasa. "Maybe we should wake up Eren. He might be able to help us."

Mikasa makes a face. "Do we have to? He looks so peaceful when he's asleep."

Irritated, Jean unlocks his phone. "Hang on. I might be able to find something here, a picture or whatever to trigger my memory..." He taps at the screen frantically.

Before he can go through his media files, he notices an alert for a text message blinking on his screen. It's from a number he doesn't recognize. Curiously, he opens it and reads.

It's a link to a YouTube video. That's all that's there – just a link – and it was apparently sent early this morning.

He knows that he should be looking for evidence right now, but his curiosity gets the better of him. He taps on the link and is immediately redirected to a video with a very disturbing thumbnail.

Horrified, he drops his phone on the bed. He was looking for evidence, and he found it. Wordlessly, he tosses the phone to Sasha.

"Here." He makes a face like he has just eaten something bad. "This should do."

"What is it?" asks Mikasa. She walks over to Sasha on the edge of Jean's bed to let her view the video too.

Jean looks away. "Probably a video of last night, I guess. It should answer your questions."

Mikasa glances at the screen. The video has begun playing, and she can see Eren and Jean in it. It has been uploaded by someone with the username "BlackTeaFTW" and an avatar of a cup of tea. The video seems to be going viral, as it already has a few hundred thousand views. Scrolling down to the description, she reads, " _Karma's a bitch, isn't it,_ _ **brats**_ _?_ "

Unlike the previous video, which was blurry and badly shot, this one seems professional, _clean_ even. There are no voices in the background, just twenty-seven minutes of Jean and Eren being idiots.

The two girls immerse themselves into the video.

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Boys)**

"Back to our fight?" says Jean.

"Back to our fight." affirms Eren.

The two boys turn to face each other.

"I can't believe you're such an asshole, Yeager!" Jean starts, flinging his arms in the air. "Why do you have to be so aggressive all the time?"

"I'd rather be aggressive and get what I want then sit around whining about things not going my way!" Eren retorts.

An annotation appears on the top-right corner of the video: " _It's pretty obvious that these two shitheads have no idea what they're arguing about._ "

"That doesn't explain how you get everything _I_ want!" complains Jean. "I mean, you don't even _like_ Mikasa! I'm so jealous!" He grabs Eren by the shirt.

"Hey! Leave my shirt alone!" says Eren angrily. "And what does Mikasa have to do with anything?"

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Room B/203**

Sasha pats Mikasa on the shoulder, shaking her head with pity.

"What." says Mikasa.

Jean buries his face in his hands.

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

"Alright. That settles it. We're going to decide, once and for all, which one of us is The Man. I challenge you to a duel!" Jean points at Eren.

"Shut up, Kirstein." Eren looks irritated. "I already know that I'm a man. Don't know if I could say the same about _you_."

"Not that kind of man!" corrects Jean. "I just wanna prove that I'm better than you. In every way."

"Dream on," scoffs Eren. "But if it'll shut you up, then sure. I accept your challenge."

"Great!" says Jean. The two boys shake hands with determined looks in their eyes. They continue glaring at each other for a while, before Jean asks, "So, uh, how do we settle this?"

"You two having a duel?" Connie Springer comes into view, a chicken leg in his hand. "There's only one way to duel at a party."

Beyond the fourth wall, Sasha's breath hitches. Not because the sight of the chicken leg is making her drool, as many may think. It's because it's her first glimpse of Connie since last night. He's wearing a black shirt and jeans, and he looks hot in a way only Sasha can see.

Mikasa and Jean give her knowing looks; Mikasa because she knows what Sasha is thinking, Jean for different reasons entirely.

"Oh, hey, Connie," says Jean, slapping him on the back. "You got here pretty late. Everything okay?"

Connie nods. "Yeah. I was just, uh, getting Sasha's present ready. You know what I mean."

Another annotation appears on the screen: " _That sounds dirtier than it probably is._ "

Sober Sasha wonders what kind of present Connie had given her. This morning, when she got back to her room, she had examined the pile of gifts lying on her desk. There were presents from all of her friends, except Mikasa and Eren, of course, but nothing from Connie. What is he talking about?

Jean and Eren nod like they know. "Right. Her present." Jean cocks his head to the side. "So did you give it to her yet?"

She makes a mental note to ask Jean about this "present" later.

"Nah." Connie leans against a chair and takes a huge bite out of his drumstick. "She's drunk off her ass, and I haven't had a chance to get her alone yet." He pauses. "Speaking of which, did you guys notice that Mikasa's drunk too? Wouldn't have thought she had it in her."

Sober Mikasa's face burns from beyond the screen.

"Alcohol brings out the best in us," says Eren sagely.

"You mean the worst," Connie laughs. "So anyway, you guys are gonna duel now, right?"

"Right," Jean nods. "And you said that there's only one way to duel at a party. You better not be talking about children's card games."

Connie makes a face. "Do I look like the kind of guy who plays children's card games?"

"Yes," say Eren and Jean in unison.

" _Yes._ " says an annotation.

"Whatever," says Connie. "I was talking about a drinking contest. Two people keep drinking until the last man standing wins."

Jean and Eren consider this. They've been watching each of their friends get knocked down throughout the night, but they're confident that they can take it. And they're both equally confident that that their roommate is weaker than they are.

"Let's do it," says Jean.

"Alright!" cheers Connie. He cups his hands around his mouth and announces, " _DUH-RIN-KING CON-TEST!_ "

All of the guests roar in excitement, and the ones who are nearest to them throng closer. Hange pushes her way through the crowd and asks, "Did someone say, 'Drinking Contest?'"

Connie quickly explains the situation to Hange, whose eyes glint with excitement. Sober Sasha is immediately scared. She has seen that glint before: it's Hange's looks-like-I-found-my-next-test-subjects glint. She knows that from here, the rest of the video is going to go downhill.

"Alright!" she declares. "Jean Kirstein has challenged Eren Yeager to a drinking contest! The rules are simple: each participant has to consume a full keg. The first one to throw up loses, and the winner will be declared The Man! Gentlemen: are you ready?"

"Yeah!" say Eren and Jean. Two silver barrels are pushed towards the boys by Eld Jinn and Mike Zacharias, both third-years. Pipes are attached at each of the taps.

An annotation appears on the screen. " _Normally, I'd wonder where the pipes came from. But since it's Four-Eyes, she was probably expecting something like this to happen. I'm honestly not surprised._ "

Sober Sasha shakes her head. Whoever uploaded this video is surprisingly mean.

Then again, there's only one person she knows who calls Hange "Four-Eyes," so it was expected.

Hange hands both of the boys a pipe each. "3 – 2 – 1 – _CHUG!_ "

Eren and Jean immediately begin drinking from the keg, swallowing as fast as they can. Within seconds, Jean begins to sweat profusely and Eren's face turns purple, but they keep drinking. Around them all the other guests chant, "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Room B/203**

"Why didn't I stop him?" says Mikasa. "How could I let him drink that entire keg?"

Jean gives her a sympathetic look. "You're being too hard on yourself. You were drunk as fuck – you couldn't have done anything."

Mikasa frowns. "True, but..." She sighs. "Never mind. Let's keep watching."

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

Everyone watches in amazement as the level of the liquid gets lower and lower. None of the boys show any sign of stopping, although Jean has had to pause a few times to catch his breath.

Finally, Eren swallows his last gulp of beer and raises his arms triumphantly. He gives a loud roar of victory.

"YEAH!" the crowd chants. "ER-EN! ER-EN! ER-EN!"

Anguished, Jean begins to consume his share twice as fast. When he's done, he stands up, his knees trembling.

"I don't feel so good," he murmurs. He blinks at the floor, his stance wobbly.

"OH-HO!" cries Hange. "Looks like Kirstein's showing the first sign of weakness! Will HE be the first person to give in? Ladies and gentlemen, keeping watching to find out!"

Jean shakes his head and pushes through the crowd. He is desperate for air and is looking for space of his own. Unfortunately for him, it seems like everyone in the party is following him to see if he pukes first.

Suddenly, he spots a single door on the side of the room. He has no idea where it leads to, but he opens it anyway and gets in. He slams the door shut behind him to keep everyone else out.

Another annotation graces the screen: " _That's a closet. You don't want to know what he's doing in there._ "

The video focuses back to Eren, who is beating his chest like a gorilla.

"Who won? I won! I'm your champion, baby! Who scored? I scored! I'm your MVP! Last man standing, didn't get sick; Now Kirstein can go on and suck. My. Dick!"

Sober Sasha and Mikasa have seen this routine plenty of times before. It's Eren's victory dance, the one he does whenever he scores at a game. The last two lines, however, seemed to have been made up on the spot.

Sasha is about to make a joke about Eren's latent homosexual feelings for Jean, but one look at Jean and Mikasa's faces tell her that she should shut up. Still, she makes a mental note to tell Connie later. He'd appreciate it.

Oh wait, she forgot: Connie is avoiding her. And she's avoiding him.

Sasha deletes the note from her brain.

Then Eren does something else: he takes off his shirt and whips it around his head before throwing it at his audience. Sober Mikasa gasps; even though she's seen Eren shirtless plenty of times before (and she's looking at him _right now_ ), he never fails to impress.

Everyone howls at raises their glasses to Eren, the undisputed champ. The fact that there's no proof that Jean lost – technically, he hasn't puked yet, as far as they know – doesn't bother them.

"NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE!" A voice comes from across the room, and everyone turns in unison to see who it is. A figure emerges from the closet in the student lounge, but it's not who they expected.

A strange creature is advancing towards them. At first glance it appears to be a horse, but on closer inspection it seems to be some sort of reversed-centaur creature. It has the head of a horse, golden with a shiny brown mane, and the body of a human. It is wearing an eggshell shirt and brown trousers. It seems to be rather unsteady on its feet, stumbling for every step it takes.

"HORSEFACE IS BACK!" the creature screams. It raises its arms to an invading zombie pose, only terrifying the crowd further.

Everyone screams and scatters around the area. "It's Horseface! Run!"

Rumors begin to fly around the room.

"I heard that Horseface is the spirit of horse-human hybrid who was born when a kid tried to rape one of the horses in the stable," whispers one student.

"Is it true that twice a year it comes out on the last day of the semester trying to find its daddy?" says another.

"That's not all! I know that whoever looks at Horseface's real face will die a horrible death! One of my friends said that his sister's roommate's girlfriend's brother's best friend's neighbor's second-cousin's stepsister's lab partner once saw Horseface take off its head, _and he died!_ "

Right on cue, an annotation appears on the screen: " _Idiots._ "

The creature is still stumbling around the room, looking for victims. Like actual zombies, Horseface can't seem to move very fast, giving its prey an advantage. No one has difficulty avoiding it.

Oluo Bozado stands in middle of the crowd with a serious expression on his face. "I was there when Horseface showed up last semester," he whispers dramatically. "It was the last day of school. I was getting back from the Tea Club's Christmas party, which I was totally invited to because there were many hot girls there and they couldn't start the party without me. But on my way to the dorm, I was accosted by none other than the dreaded Horseface!"

Some of the first-years gasp.

"What did you then, Oluo?" asks Mina Carolina in a hushed voice.

"Well, I was terrified, of course," continues Oluo with extreme seriousness. "I even bit my tongue! But then I remembered that I was a student of Titan Academy, a soldier, and a member of the Basketball Club too! I could not let –"

His tirade is cut short when Petra Ral smacks him on the head with a cushion. "You're not in the Basketball Club, Oluo. You're a member of the Origami Club. Stop trying to imitate Levi!"

Another annotation appears on the video: _"Tch._ "

"Hang on," says Hange suddenly. "Isn't that the head of the Trost High mascot, the Honorable Horse?"

Everyone turns to take a second look at the creature.

"Nope. Definitely a ghost." Gunther Schultz says. It doesn't help that he's a bit tipsy, too.

"We better stay away from it," says Daz fearfully. "If it takes off its head in front of us, we'll all die!"

An annotation on the video delivers exposition again, this one much longer than the others. " _So, funny story about that head. A while ago, during Titan Academy's basketball game against Trost High, one of the guys on the Trost team may have said some nasty stuff to a certain member of the TA basketball team. And it may have something to do with how they thought that he was too short to be playing basketball. So, in revenge, the TA player may or may not have stolen their mascot's head and hidden it in the girls' dorm. That's all I'll say._ "

"No," comes a quiet voice. A shirtless Eren Yeager emerges through the crowd.

"What are you saying, Eren?" asks Daz. Daz is the resident coward of Titan Academy, and Eren hates cowards with a passion.

"You are wrong," says Eren in a low, hard voice. "Why are you so afraid? If those with strength don't fight, who will?"

"Stop it, Eren!" says Hannah. "Are you seriously going to fight that thing?"

"If you're too scared to fight, fine," Eren pauses. "But you shouldn't stop me from doing so!"

"He's crazy," murmur the other students.

"You cowards!" Eren roars. "Just shut up! AND PUT ALL YOUR FAITH IN ME!"

Everyone watches in fear as Eren Yeager, drunk like the rest of them, marches forward to confront the horse-human hybrid. The atmosphere in the room is tense; a stifling silence fills the air. They all fear for Eren's safety, but at the same time they're too afraid of Horseface to go and help him.

"You!" screams Eren. He points at the creature. "Take off your head! Now!"

"Eren, no!" says Thomas Wagner. "If it takes off its head, you'll die!"

"Take off your head," threatens Eren. "Or I'll take it off for you!"

Surprisingly, Horseface replies. "Shut the fuck up, Yeager." it says.

Everyone gasps. "It knows his name! That means it has chosen Eren as its next victim!"

Horseface's words enrage Eren, and he pounces on the creature. "TAKE – OFF –YOUR – HEAD!" He tries his best to pull the horse head off his opponent.

"Geroff me, Yeager!" the creature cries. It tries to push Eren off itself. Within seconds, the two are wrestling like angry bulls on the floor.

The birthday girl finally makes her presence known and pushes through the crowd. "What the hell?" she exclaims. "Why is Eren wrestling a horse at my party?"

Everyone rolls their eyes. "Sasha, where have you been? Do you not know that Horseface is haunting us? What were you doing, anyway?"

Sasha just blinks at them. "Kenpi," she says finally, holding up a piece of potato.

Everyone facepalms.

Eren and the creature are rolling on the floor, in their desperate struggle for The Head. Finally, Eren overpowers Horseface, simply because he's physically stronger than him.

He puts all of his effort into yanking the head off the creature. What remains is an annoyed Jean Kirstein and the head of Trost High's mascot.

Everyone is staring at the scene before them, their mouths open. Including Eren.

"Kirstein, what the hell?" he says finally. "Why did you have to pretend to be a ghost and scare everyone? What if the real Horseface showed up now and everyone thought it was you?"

He examines the hollow head he is holding. "And where did you get this head from? Did you steal it from Horseface?" He peers inside the head, and his face turns white.

"Did you..." he whispers. "Did you... _puke_ inside this head?"

The screen turns black, and the audio is cut off. A large annotation, the last one in the video, appears.

" _I apologize for ending the video so abruptly, but I simply couldn't film anymore because it was so FILTHY. Anyway, this video is meant to be a payback to two annoying brats who embarrassed their best friends. If this is you two, then you deserve every bit of shame that's coming for you._ "

The video ends.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Room B/203**

No one knows what to say.

This video is certainly a strange one. Unlike the previous video they had watched, in which Marco and Armin were severely embarrassed, Sasha and Mikasa don't know what to make of this one.

They now understand why the thumbnail terrified Jean so much. It's a picture of Eren pulling at the horse head, and the video is titled: _Brat vs. Horse_.

Then they notice the view count on the video. It has hit one million views. BlackTeaFTW already has two thousand subscribers.

Mikasa pulls out her cell phone and dials. "Hello," she says. "I'd like to request a funeral for Jean Kirstein. He is about to die. Of embarrassment."

"Cut it out!" yells Jean. He jumps in the air and launches himself at Mikasa. Mikasa, however, simply moves aside, and Jean lands in bed next to naked Eren. Before he can move, he hears a _click_ and he realizes that Mikasa has already taken a picture of the two of them.

Jean screams in frustration and marches out of the room in anger. Sasha and Mikasa watch as Jean marches to the elevator, only to be congratulated by different boys in their class on his debut into the world of internet fame.

Sasha watches Jean stab the elevator button, before she remembers something.

"Hey, Jean!" she yells, racing after him. Jean turns, irritated, thinking she wants to throw one final jab at him. However, she stops before him and says, "Present."

Jean furrows his brows in confusion. "What?" he asks.

Sasha's cheeks are tinged pink. "Um, early in the video, you and Connie spoke about a present he was gonna give me," she explains. "But when I checked this morning, there wasn't anything from him."

"Well, duh," says Jean. "Connie's present wasn't a physical object."

"What?" Sasha asks, now plagued with curiosity. "What was it, then?"

Jean studies Sasha for a moment. He shakes his head and inquires, "Have you not spoken to him yet?"

Sasha shakes her head. "I remember things being awkward between us last night." She turns red. She isn't about to tell Jean what actually happened, lest he mock her for the next three years of her life. "Let's just say that he's the last person I want to see right now."

Jean raises an eyebrow. "So you're saying that it didn't..." he waves his hands awkwardly, "uh, happen?"

The gears in Sasha's brain finally get to work. Jean's dialogue implies that he knows what happened between them, yet she cannot fathom how, because she _clearly_ remembers her and Connie being alone when IT happened.

Does that mean that after rejecting her, Connie went and told all of the guys what happened?

Her heart sinks.

But then Jean shouldn't be pretending like he doesn't know the outcome. He's clearly asking her if it went well, and he wouldn't be doing so if Connie had already updated him.

Sasha's headache gets worse from all of the thinking she's doing.

"No," she says slowly. "It didn't."

"Oh." Jean says. For a moment, a small flicker of disappointment flashes through his eyes. "That's too bad."

"Yeah." Sasha looks away.

"It doesn't make sense, though," Jean frowns. He peers at Sasha closely. "Are you _sure_ you don't remember Connie giving you your present?"

"Positive," she replies, wondering why he is asking her this.

Jean shakes his head again, exasperated. He thumbs the elevator button. "Sasha, your story doesn't add up. You _really_ need to talk to Connie about this. I can't help you."

She sighs. Jean is right. She can't let it end like this. She needs to find out what the hell happened last night, clear the air between them, and then ask him if they can go on being friends.

Because, now that she thinks about it, she'd rather live with Connie as her friend than not have him in her life _at all_.

"Okay," she says.

"No," says Jean. "Promise me. Promise me you'll talk to him before you leave."

The thought terrifies her, but she nods. "I promise."

Jean smiles. The elevator appears behind him, and he steps into it.


	8. What Connie Remembers

**Sunday, July 27, Room B/203**

Sasha and Mikasa flop down on the beds in Jean and Eren's room. Eren has finally woken up and disappeared to use the shower.

Mikasa props herself up on one elbow and turns towards Sasha. "Hey, you're not going to say anything to Eren about the video, right?"

Sasha studies Mikasa. "Do you not want me to tell him?"

Mikasa nods. "I checked his phone, and the video wasn't sent to him. So he doesn't know about it yet. I'd like to keep this quiet for a bit, if you don't mind. I'll tell him when we get home."

"Works for me." Sasha shrugs.

Mikasa buries her head into the pillow. "I'm exhausted."

"Me too," agrees Sasha.

They've had the busiest morning of their school lives yet. So far, they have spoken to Ymir and Krista, Bertolt and Reiner and watched two videos starring Armin and Marco and Jean and Eren respectively. They also have a ton of packing to do. Jean is giving Sasha a ride to the station in a few hours, where she will catch the afternoon train to Dauper, while Mikasa needs to take the bus and catch the train to Shiganshina. They don't have much time left.

"Who's next?" asks Mikasa tiredly.

Sasha tries to recall. She had promised Jean that she would have a word with Connie, but chronologically speaking, they should be interviewing Levi Ackerman right now. She makes her decision.

"Levi," she says. "He was naked."

Which leaves Connie for last.

"Don't remind me," mutters Mikasa. For some reason, Mikasa harbors an irrational hatred towards the upperclassman, and no one knows why, not even Eren and Armin.

"But I don't know if we can ask him anything. Have you not noticed how scary he is?" says Sasha apprehensively.

Mikasa snorts. "Sasha, he's shorter than _Armin_. I think we can handle him."

"Okay. If you say so." Sasha is doubtful. "He probably lives on the fourth floor like the other third-years."

"Let's go." Mikasa jumps out of bed and heads for the door.

"Hang on!" Sasha protests, following her. "We don't know what room he lives in!"

"We'll just keep knocking on all of the doors until he answers one of them," Mikasa replies. They walk towards the elevator. "Sasha, I _really_ need to get this over with."

"I know, me too," Sasha replies. Her stomach somersaults when she thinks of Connie. "As soon as possible."

They arrive at the fourth floor, identical to the second except for its height. Mikasa stomps her way over to B/401 and knocks.

"Yes?" Oluo Bozado answers, his hair tousled and a single sock in his hand. "What can I do for you?"

"We're looking for Levi Ackerman," Mikasa informs him.

Oluo smirks. "You've come to the right place." He throws the sock behind and folds his arms confidently. "You may not know it, but I am actually –"

"Cut it out, Oluo," Gunther Schultz appears from behind Oluo, a sock on his head. The same sock that Oluo was holding moments ago. "You're not Levi. You want 403," he tells the girls helpfully.

"Thank you," Mikasa bows. "Let's go, Sasha."

"Although I wouldn't go there if I were you," Gunther calls from behind them. "He's kinda _busy_ right now, if you catch my drift."

The girls stop in their tracks and turn. But Gunther has already shut the door.

"Maybe Gunther's right," says Sasha. "Maybe we shouldn't ask Levi about his stripping habit –"

"We're asking him," Mikasa cuts in. She grabs Sasha's wrist and pulls her towards B/403. She knocks on it loudly.

Low voices can be heard from inside the room. The voices disappear as soon as Mikasa knocks, and the door opens to reveal Levi Ackerman. He spots Mikasa and rolls his eyes. "What?"

"Could we please come in?" asks Mikasa, trying her best to be polite. Although she doesn't want to admit it, she's scared of Levi too. He has the kind of face that terrifies people instantly. "We need to talk to you about something."

Levi purses his lips. "I'm busy," he says flatly.

"It won't take long," Mikasa insists.

"No."

Even though Mikasa towers over him by a good four inches, it's him who intimidates her. Before she can say anything else, a familiar voice comes from within the room. "Who is it, Levi?"

"HANGE?" Sasha gasps, and pushes her way into the room. Her cousin is sitting on one of the beds, trying to looks inconspicuous.

"Hey," Hange smiles at her. "What are you doing here?"

"We, uh," Sasha is still shocked to see Hange in Levi's room. "Mikasa and I wanted to talk to Levi about the party..."

Both Levi and Hange turn red. "WE DID NOT HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT!" blurts Levi.

Sasha blinks in confusion. "I...did not say you did..."

Panicked, Levi picks up the two girls by their collars and tosses them out of his room. They land on the floor with a hard _thud_. He slams the door shut behind them, and it's pretty clear that he does not want them to visit anytime soon.

"Dammit, Shorty!" They hear Hange complain from inside the room. "I think you just blew our cover!"

Mikasa and Sasha gape at one another in horror. _Just what the fuck was going on?_

"We're never speaking of this again?" asks Sasha.

"We're never speaking of this again." Mikasa answers.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Second Floor, Boys' Dormitory**

"Are you ready?" whispers Mikasa.

Sasha considers the question. They are standing outside B/201, and Sasha's hand is raised to knock on the door. After many, many cola-flavored Shuwa Puccho (she eats them when she's nervous. She also eats them when she's not), she has finally gathered up the nerve to knock on her best friend's door.

"I'm ready," she nods.

She taps on the door lightly, her pulse rate quickening to what seems to be a million beats per minute. She's worried that Mikasa can hear it, and she's worried that Connie can hear it from inside the room, too. In those brief moments before the door opens, she tries to imagine what seeing him would be like and many possible scenarios flood through her head.

 **Scenario #1:** _Connie opens the door and everything is awkward. He appears to be very embarrassed, and explains that he didn't kiss her because he doesn't like her that way._

This seems to be the most likely outcome right now, and is probably what will actually happen.

 **Scenario #2:** _Connie opens the door and pretends like nothing happened last night. They go back to being friends like before and none of them speak of the kiss again._

Oh, how she wishes this would happen. Sure, she'd still be in love with him, but at least she could live knowing that he's still her best friend.

 **Scenario #3:** _Connie opens the door and pushes her away. He then races down the hallway and knocks on all the doors, telling everyone that the girl who tried to kiss him last night is back for more._

This feels more like something Reiner would do, but she can't rule it out yet.

 **Scenario #4:** _Connie opens the door and is about to reveal what happened last night when a giant naked humanoid monster rips the roof off the building and eats him._

Unlikely, but plausible in an alternate universe.

 **Scenario #5:** _Connie doesn't open the door, because he has already left for Ragako and she is too late._

She can't believe she hasn't thought of this before.

"You don't think he left, do you?" she whispers to Mikasa. The door is taking a suspiciously long time to open, and Scenario #5 seems to be in play.

Mikasa thinks about this. "No, he wouldn't do that," she replies. "He won't leave without saying goodbye to you. Besides, wasn't Jean supposed to give him a ride to the station too?"

"Yeah, but..." Sasha looks at the floor. "I hope you're right."

The door eventually opens and Armin Arlert smiles at them. "Good morning, Mikasa. Good morning, Sasha. Can I help you?"

"Hey, Armin," says Mikasa casually. "We're looking for Connie. Is he here?"

Armin shakes his head. "I haven't seen him since breakfast. He said that he had some stuff to take care of, and he disappeared..." He smiles at the girls apologetically.

Mikasa and Sasha groan. They turn to face each other. "We don't have the time to hunt for him all over campus," Mikasa says. "He could be anywhere."

Sasha's shoulders slump. "What do we do now?"

"Um," Armin's voice interrupts. He's holding up his index finger. "I'd like to make a suggestion, if you don't mind."

The two girls swivel to stare at him. "Yeah?" says Sasha.

"This is going to sound silly, but," Armin pauses. "Have you tried calling him?"

"Uh," Sasha starts. "No."

"Shouldn't you call him, then?" he asks.

She grits her teeth. _Damn Armin. Why did he have to be so freakin' smart?_

Slowly, she pulls her cell phone out of her pocket. She had been afraid to check it all day, because there might be a text from Connie in there that would just break her heart. Now that she's decided to face the truth, she has nothing to be afraid of anymore.

She unlocks her phone and examines the screen.

There are thirty-three text messages in her inbox, twenty-two of them from Connie alone. She taps on the _Messages_ icon and selects his name. She then scrolls to the top, looking for the beginning of the unread texts.

 _Happy birthday potato girl! Have a blast!_

She slides her finger over the text to check out the timestamp. **6:12 PM**.

 **8:49 PM** _Hey, hope ur having fun! Will be there a lil late. Getting ur present ready ;)_

 **9:50 PM** _I wanna give u the present in private, away from the others. Can u slip away?_

 **10:27 PM** _Do u not have ur phone with u? Y arent u replying? :\_

 **10:41 PM** _Hey u ok? U seem kinda...drunk. Did hange give u something?_

 **11:51 PM** _Hey_

 **11:51 PM** _Im really sorry_

 **11:51 PM** _Plz dont take it the wrong way_

 **11:53 PM** _Its not what u think_

 **12:03 AM** _If ur feeling better id like to explain everything to u properly. Come to the fountain_

 **12:17 AM** _Im waiting_

 **12:34 AM** _Plz come fast_

 **12:39 AM** _Giant moskito bit me in the ass_

 **12:40 AM** _Just killed it like a ninja so its ok_

 **12:40 AM** _Im so awesome_

 **12:53 AM** _The sky is beautiful at nite we should go to a summer festival sometime fireworks are cool_

 **12:54 AM** _Only if u want to_

 **1:12 AM** _Guess ur not coming. Ur prob feeling pretty terrible right now. Plz take care of urself n drink lots of water_

 **1:24 AM** _I wont give up tho ill wait for u tomorrow too so come find me_

 **1:24 AM** _Not at the fountain tho u know where to come_

 **1:25 AM** _If u com then ill know u forgive me_

 **1:29 AM** _Plz come i cant lose u sasha_

"Well?" asks Mikasa impatiently. "Aren't you going to call him?"

She places her finger under Sasha's chin and tilts her head up. To her horror, there are tears streaming down Sasha's face.

"Sasha?" Mikasa gasps. She exchanges glances with Armin. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"No," Sasha smiles through her tears. "Everything's fine. I just – I really need to see Connie."

"Call him up, then," Mikasa insists. "Or do you want me to call him?"

"There's no need for that," she says. Armin hands her a tissue, which she uses to wipe her tears. "I know where he is."

"You do?" asks Armin doubtfully. "I mean, you do! That's great!"

"Yeah," Sasha smiles. "I gotta go. Connie's waiting for me."

"Let's go." Mikasa tries to grab Sasha's wrist again, but Sasha brushes her off.

"Um, if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to him by myself," she says apologetically. "You should probably start packing."

Her roommate's gaze pierces through her. "Are you sure about this?"

Sasha nods. "Absolutely."

"Fine." Mikasa heads for the stairs. "I'll see you later."

After Mikasa vanishes, Armin pats Sasha on the shoulder. "Good luck, Sasha." He smiles. "Go get him."

"Thanks." Sasha gives him a quick hug. "For the record, I really like your singing."

Armin turns scarlet.

She laughs. "Later!"

But before Sasha can get to the elevator, Armin stops her. "Sasha, wait!"

She turns around. "Yeah?"

"I, uh, I ran into the Principal earlier," he says hesitantly. "He asked me if I had seen you this morning."

 _Uh-oh._

"What did you say?" she asks nervously.

"I said no, of course, that I hadn't seen you yet," Armin replies. "So he said that if I do see you, I should ask you to meet him. Whenever you can."

Sasha gulps. Time to face the music. "Of course. I'll go to his office after I see Connie."

"You do that," Armin nods. He proceeds to shut the door. "Have a great summer, Sasha."

"You too!" Sasha smiles.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Fountain**

Sasha strides purposefully across the campus, her heart filled with hope. _Connie was here. He was waiting for her._

 _He had been waiting all night._

The bright sunlight no longer bothers her. Her headache is still there, but she's confident that it will vanish soon.

She feels bad about sending Mikasa away but she knows that this is something she has to do alone. Besides, it's not like three people would fit in there.

She yanks open the door to the dining hall. It's kinda ironic that she spent a good bit of her morning talking to Reiner and Bertolt here, without realizing that Connie was right there. The girls in movies always seem to know when their man is nearby and get all blushy and weird.

If only things worked out in real life the way they did in movies.

The buffet line is closed, but thankfully there's some coffee set out for other poor hungover students. Sasha smiles. Good old Ian. The head of the kitchen staff cared about them more than he let on.

She idles by the buffet line trying not to be noticed. There's a door at the back with a 'Staff Only' sign hanging across it. She tries to conceal a laugh.

That sign is a joke.

When she's confident that no one is watching, she opens the door and slips into the corridor beyond. This corridor leads to the kitchen, where she has spent a good amount of her time here at school. However, Sasha isn't looking for the kitchen. Rather, she makes her way towards a small door in the side of the wall that appears to be a closet.

Believe it or not, this closet holds special meaning to her.

* * *

 **Monday, April 7, Auditorium**

"When I call your name, you will walk up to the stage, perform the school salute and introduce yourself! Is that understood?" Keith Shadis's drill sergeant-like voice booms through the auditorium. He doesn't seem to need a microphone to be heard.

"Yes, sir!" shout the students.

"Good." He scans the students, looking for his first victim. "You! Aryan Coconut! Come on up!"

"Sir!" Armin Arlert answers nervously, and makes his way to the front of the room. His knees are trembling.

The first day of high school is a nerve-wracking experience for anyone unfortunate enough to go through it, and twice the amount if they are students at Titan Academy. Titan Academy is one of the most prestigious high schools in the country, one notoriously difficult to get into. It is a full-time boarding school with an extremely small class size (thirty students per year) and it boasts of talented individuals who excel in all fields.

The "fresh meat" (i.e. the new batch of students) have to undergo compulsory orientation a week before school starts to get accustomed to boarding school life. The first phase of orientation consists of the dreadful introduce-yourself-to-your-classmates-and-watch-them-judge-you activity, accompanied by a good dose of their homeroom teacher's probably-illegal hazing. Not a good way to start off your school year.

These children just got here last night and most of them have never lived away from home before. Keith Shadis attempts to get rid of every ounce of dependence they still have to their homes in order to mould them into independent young men and women.

Right now, they're all seated in the auditorium and they have just finished listening to different speeches given by the Principal, their homeroom teacher, the school doctor and both of the Hall Directors, Hannes and Rico Brzenska, respectively. Some of them are ready to doze off.

"My name is Armin Arlert, sir!" Armin strikes his chest with his right hand, as per the school salute demonstrated to them earlier. "I'm from Shiganshina Junior High! I like books, manga and crossword puzzles, sir!"

"Interesting," says Shadis. "And why do you think you deserve to be here?"

"I'm here on a scholarship, sir!" Armin yells. "I've worked very hard to get into this school, and I will continue to work hard while I'm here!"

"Good," nods Shadis. "You might have some talent after all. Who are you rooming with?"

"I'm rooming with Connie Springer, sir!" Armin replies.

"Who the hell is Connie Springer?" Shadis screams. A hand shoots up from the left side of the room.

"You can go, Arlert," the homeroom teacher says. "Connie Springer, get up here!"

Connie saunters up to the stage, doing his best to show Shadis the Sadist that he isn't afraid. He strikes his chest – with his left hand – and announces, "I'm Connie Springer! I'm from Ragako Junior High and I like running, fried chicken and Yu-Gi-Oh!"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" screams Shadis.

Connie is unperturbed. "I'm introducing myself to the class."

Shadis's eyes glow red, and he slowly asks, "Springer, during the beginning of this exercise, I gave you three instructions. What were they?"

Connie frowns, thinking hard. "One, come up to the stage," he says, counting on his fingers. "Two, do the school salute thingy. Three, introduce myself." His hazel eyes focus on Shadis lazily. "I did all three, didn't I?"

"Oh, I don't know. Did you?" asks Shadis in that low, dangerous voice. "Is that the school salute you're doing?"

"Yes, sir!" says Connie proudly. To add insult to injury, he strikes his chest again with his left hand.

"The school salute was the first thing you were taught here," Shadis leans down to Connie's level. Their faces are so close together that his spit splatters all over Connie's nose. "It represents your loyalty to Titan Academy and your resolve to work hard and make the best use of your talents."

"Ah," says the boy. He wipes his nose with the back of his hand. "That's cool."

"COOL?" The Sadist's right eye is twitching. As the first-years would soon learn, this is NEVER a good sign. "You've got it on backwards! IS YOUR HEART ON YOUR RIGHT SIDE?"

Connie shrugs. "Don't know. Never saw it. I mean, I don't think people can see their own hearts. But since you say it's on the right, you musta seen yours. Which means you have super X-ray vision and can see through your own body." He eyes Shadis suspiciously. "You're not an alien, are you?"

Keith Shadis's face is slowly turning purple. Never, in all twelve years of his teaching at Titan Academy, has any student demonstrated as much sauce as Connie Springer has. He's about to give it to him, when a loud, crunching sound reaches his ears.

His eyes travel to the first row of the auditorium. A brown-haired girl is eating a potato. While the other students are gazing fearfully at Connie, wondering what Shadis will do to him, this girl's eyes are flashing across the room, as though she doesn't give a fuck.

He feels like the thermometer in his head, the one that was keeping his temper in check, has burst.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

* * *

 **Monday, April 7, Dining Hall**

Sasha sneaks into the dining hall on the same night. Because of her potato stunt earlier that morning, Shadis had blocked her meal card for the night so she had to miss dinner. To top it off, she had been forced to clean the stables that night while everyone else was eating. She felt like she was dying of hunger.

For a fancy private school, Titan Academy's locks are surprisingly easy to pick. Their security is a joke, with multiple guards stationed across the school entrances but none by the dining hall. She already has the layout of the dining hall building memorized. The front door leads to an eating area, where students can sit with their meals. They're allowed to eat outside by the fountain too, if they wish. A buffet table is laid out across the room, where students swipe in their meal cards before entering the line. On the other side of the room is the entrance to the kitchen and pantry, which is her target tonight. A long corridor leads to the kitchen, which further leads into the pantry.

She slips into the corridor like a cat burglar, confident that no one can see her. To her horror, she can hear heavy footsteps approaching from the kitchen. Sasha panics: what should she do? Should she make a run for it? Or should she hide in the dining hall and wait until the person leaves?

Suddenly, she spies a small closet attached to the wall. Without thinking, she opens the door and slides into the closet, her heart hammering against her chest.

At first, she is assaulted by dust-covered aprons, hats and spider webs, making it clear that no one uses this closet at all. She turns around and sits on something soft that smells like fish. But she's not complaining. She loves fish, and as Dauper is an interior village, she doesn't get enough of it back home.

"Man," she hears a voice come from the corridor. The stranger is apparently talking to himself. She knows this voice. It's the Hall Director of the boys' dorm, Hannes. His footsteps get louder as they approach the closet. "Only the first day and I'm already stealing whiskey! Shame on me!"

Sasha stores this information in her brain for future use. _There's whiskey in the school pantry, for some reason._

The footsteps get softer as Hannes walks towards the dining hall. Finally she hears a door shut and exhales with relief.

"Excuse me," says a voice right next to her ear. "Could you get _off_ me?"

Sasha squeaks and jumps up in surprise. Her back hits the wall of the closet, causing a hat to come tumbling down on her head. With shaking hands she pulls her cell phone out of her pocket and turns on its inbuilt flashlight, illuminating the face of her closet mate.

"Connie Springer?" she whispers. It's the boy with the shaved head, the one who tried to sass Shadis during orientation. "What are you doing here? And why do you smell like fish?"

"I'm having dinner," replies Connie. He holds out his hand, which contains a shiny fish filet. "Want some?"

Her eyes sparkle, and she nods. Soon the two are eating by themselves in the closet.

"Did Shadis block your meal card, too?" she asks.

Connie nods. "Yeah. He was pretty mad that I sassed him like that. He made me pick out all the leaves in the pool."

"Oh," she says. That doesn't sound half as bad as picking up horse poop in the dark.

It's now his turn to ask her a question. "Why were you eating that potato during orientation? That's all kinds of fucked up."

She shrugs. "It sat there on the buffet table, begging to be eaten. What was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, left it alone maybe?" Connie rolls his eyes. "Like, did you have to eat it in front of Shadis? Couldn't you have saved it for a snack later, or something?"

Sasha groans. She's been getting this question all day. For the umpteenth time, she recites, "It was getting cold. So I gave it shelter in my stomach. Does that answer your question?"

To her surprise, he laughs. "You're funny."

"Thanks. I guess."

"And you've got some balls, eating that potato right in front of him," he continues. "You're pretty cool."

"You're not so bad yourself," she tells the boy she just met. "For starters, you've got balls, too. Real ones."

Connie roars with laughter again. "Sasha Blouse?" he says. "I can tell we're going to be _great_ friends."

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Kitchen Closet**

Ever since their first night, that unused closet has become Connie and Sasha's secret hideout. They've spent plenty of nights in there together when they're on secret food-stealing missions (Sasha's the one who does most of the work. Connie is unwillingly dragged along to play the role of sidekick. Turns out, he isn't as much of a glutton as she is), so much so that they've made the place their own. There's the hat that fell on Sasha's head during their first tryst in there (a hat that now smells like fish). There's an apron with a bright orange curry stain from the time when Connie laughed so hard he spilled curry on his pants and Sasha had to use that apron to clean it up.

There's even a cave-painting style drawing on the inner walls of the closet. This dates back to a night in May when Sasha got the idea for a food-based superhero manga called Potato Rangers and spent three hours arguing with Connie on why it would work.

Not to mention, the floor is littered with empty tins, food wrappers and empty packets of sauce.

Ah. Good times.

Sasha finally jerks the door open and slinks into the closet. Just like her first time in that closet, she battles dusty brown aprons and falls directly into the arms of Connie Springer.

And when she looks at his face, everything is forgotten.

Connie grins at her. "Excuse me," he says in his characteristic lazy voice. "Could you get _off_ me?"

Sasha grins back. "Oh, I don't know. How much would you pay me to get off you?"

"I thought you'd say that," he rummages into a cylindrical tin and pulls out a potato chip. "Would you do it for a Sasha Snack?"

She begins to pant heavily like a dog and points to her open mouth. He laughs and throws the chip towards her, which she expertly catches with her mouth.

(FYI, Sasha Snacks are Pringles.)

Sighing happily, she moves so that she's sitting right next to him.

"I thought you'd never show up," he says, helping himself to a potato chip. "I thought I'd be stuck in this closet all summer."

"Liar." She snatches the chip from his fingers and pops it into her own mouth. "You knew I was gonna show up. That's why you spent all morning in this closet, right? You're such a weirdo."

"Look who's talking," Connie raises an eyebrow. "I'm willing to bet that you spent all morning looking for the weirdo hiding in the closet. So we're even."

"Right," she says. "And while we're on the subject...I guess we have a lot to talk about, huh?"

He sighs. "Yeah. Yeah, we do. I'll go first. For the record, I don't –"

Sasha slaps her hand on his mouth before he can finish.

"Don't." She shakes her head. "I know what you're going to say. So, um, before you say it, I just want to say that it doesn't matter to me if you don't like me that way!"

Connie's expression softens. "Sasha..."

She squeezes her eyes shut. "Because I'd rather continue being your friend than not have you in my life at all!"

She drops her hand from his mouth and looks away, awaiting the inevitable rejection. When she hears nothing, she turns back to face him.

He's peering at her closely as though she's a new combo meal on the Sentucky Fried Chicken menu.

"What?" she asks.

He smiles at her. "On a scale of 1 to Cana Alberona, how hungover are you right now?"

"Cana doesn't get drunk, silly," Sasha replies. "Why do you ask?"

"'Cause you don't seem to remember the important stuff from last night," Connie says. "Like my present, for one."

There it is again. That ominous "present." What the fuck did Connie even give her?

So she asks him just that. "What did you get me? I didn't see it with the other gifts, and Jean said it wasn't a physical object..."

For the first time, Connie looks afraid. "Oh. Jean said that, huh?"

"Yeah," she says impatiently. "So what was it?"

"Well, before you find out what I gave you, you _oughta_ know why I gave it to you," he says mysteriously.

"What?" Sasha says. "That doesn't make any sense at all!"

"It'll make sense. I promise." He smiles.

* * *

 **Thursday, July 24, Second-floor Corridor**

"This is all your fault, Kirstein," mumbles Eren, scrubbing at a stubborn stain on the second-floor window. "If you hadn't pushed Armin into the fountain, we wouldn't have been stuck with extra cleaning duty for the whole week. We've been doing this for four days now, and I'm sick of it!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, you shouldn't have punched Marco in the face!" argues Jean, pointing his mop at Eren. "You started it!"

"I was actually aiming for _your_ horse face," shoots back Eren. "Marco got in the way!"

"Guys, it's okay, really –" begins Marco.

"That doesn't change the fact that YOU STARTED IT!" yells Jean.

"Seriously, cut it out, you two," Armin interjects.

"You wanna go, pony boy?" says Eren, whipping his cloth in the air and pointing it at Jean.

"Bring it on, you son of a – " Jean brandishes his mop like a sword.

"What the hell is wrong with you guys?" screams Connie, shaking angrily. "Haven't you had enough already?"

The four boys stop and blink in confusion, as they have just realized that Connie was with them all along.

"Oh, hey Connie," says Eren. "What are you doing here?"

Connie glares at them incredulously, like he can't believe what he's hearing. "Are you serious?" he cries. "I've been in detention with you guys for the past four days!"

The boys continue to stare at him. "Why?" says Armin.

"I don't know!" wails Connie, swinging his arms around in frustration. "I was just standing there by the fountain on Monday during lunch time, trying to find that coin I'd dropped earlier, you know, minding my own business, when suddenly Shadis comes up to me and gives me a week's detention for causing a disturbance on the school grounds!"

The boys are quiet, guilt consuming the group. Finally Marco speaks up. "He must've thought you were with us," he says quietly. "We're really sorry about that, Connie. We didn't mean to get you in trouble."

"Well, whatever!" Connie is annoyed. "I don't care whose fault it was! So unless you want to get us stuck cleaning this damn building for another whole week, you two might wanna KEEP IT DOWN!"

Jean and Eren catch each other's eyes. "Sorry," they mutter.

Connie shrugs and turns his attention back to the window he'd been cleaning. He's usually on good terms with the boys, they're his friends after all, but lately everyone has been getting on his nerves.

The boys resume their work in silence.

Finally, Marco speaks up. "So, uh, have you guys bought Sasha a present for her birthday this Saturday?"

Connie's ears prick up. They are talking about Sasha, his best friend.

"Yeah, Mikasa managed to buy an all-you-can-eat coupon from her favorite restaurant," says Eren. "We're giving it to her from the both of us."

"Cheap-ass ho," mutters Jean under his breath.

Eren hears him. "Oh, yeah? Well, what are _you_ giving her, then?"

Jean smirks. "I managed to find a cute sweater in town with little cartoon potatoes all over it. Which is perfect, because we all know how much she loves potatoes. And I bought it by _myself_."

"A sweater?" Eren scoffs. "How original."

Jean growls at him.

"I got her a cookbook," pipes up Armin, trying to diffuse the tension in the air. "So that she can cook by herself instead of...you know...stealing food all the time..."

"And I got her a bracelet from town!" says Marco. "It has this tiny, heart-shaped charm, which I thought was pretty cute!"

Away from the boys, Connie's face burns. A bracelet with a heart-shaped charm? That sounded romantic. Would Sasha think it was romantic? Would it make Sasha fall for Marco?

Behind him, Armin nudges Jean in the side. He points at Connie.

The boy is just standing still, his back turned towards them. A duster hangs limp from his hand.

"Oh yeah," whispers Jean. "He's friends with her, isn't he?"

"More than friends, I think," frowns Marco.

"What do you mean by more than friends?" asks Eren curiously. Everyone ignores him.

"Follow my lead," whispers Armin. He turns towards his roommate and calls out, "Hey, Connie!"

Connie swivels in the direction of the voice, where the four boys are staring at him. "What?" he asks, still annoyed.

"We were just talking about what we were getting Sasha for her birthday," says Armin, flashing him a bright smile. "So what are you getting her?"

"I – " Connie tries to think of a response. The truth is, he hasn't bought her anything yet. Even though she is his best friend and he probably knows her better than anyone else in school (with the exception of her roommate Mikasa, maybe), he hasn't been able to think of a single gift that seems good enough.

"I haven't gotten her anything yet," he says sadly.

"Oh?" Armin tilts his head to the side, appearing to be confused. "That's strange. You're her best friend, right? Don't you know that her birthday is just two days away?"

"I know that," replies Connie. "I didn't forget. I've known about it for _months_!"

Armin raises an eyebrow. "And yet you forgot to buy her a present?"

Connie bites his lip. "Like I said, I didn't forget. I just couldn't think of anything to get her."

The other boys begin to catch Armin's drift. "Why is that?" asks Marco, feigning ignorance. "Don't you know her well enough to know what she'd like?"

"No, that's not it," replies the embarrassed Connie. "I saw a lot of nice things, but...they weren't good enough for her."

"Huh," Marco and Armin exchange knowing glances. "You mean she deserves something better than everything you saw?"

"Well, yeah," Connie is starting to get weirded out by all the questioning. "She's special. She's my best friend. I gotta get her something different. Something only I can give her, you know?"

Armin can sense that Jean is about to make a perverted comment, and he nudges him in the side before he can say anything. "Why is she special?"

Connie blinks at them. "Well, uh, let's see," he gazes at the ceiling, trying to think of everything that makes Sasha special. "She's a huge dork and she's super funny and she's cute when she's nomming away on something and she always makes me feel awesome even though I'm not and I like her smile and the face she makes when she sees the buffet line and all those other little things she does that just make me fall –" he stops when he sees Armin and Marco's grinning faces, "in love with her even more." He finishes quietly.

"Ugh!" Jean strikes the wall with his mop, irritated with the whole conversation. "FINALLY HE ADMITS IT! I was wondering how much longer you were gonna let Marco and Armin string you along."

Connie runs a hand over his shaved head. "Wait – you guys knew?"

"Uh, ya?" Jean rolls his eyes like he can't believe how dense Connie is. "How stupid do you think we are? _Everyone_ in the dorm knows that you're in love with Sasha!"

"Guys, you mind filling me in? Cause I have no idea what's going on," says Eren helplessly.

"Except for him, apparently," replies Jean.

Connie opens his mouth and closes it repeatedly like a goldfish. "What – what about Sasha?" he asks. "Do you think she knows too?"

"Don't think so," Jean shakes his head. "The only person denser than Yeager is her."

Connie sighs in frustration and sinks down to the floor. "This is just awesome. Now everyone knows that I like her and she's gonna find out too."

"But Connie," Marco's voice is gentle as he kneels next to his friend. "Why _shouldn't_ she find out?"

"Um," says Connie apprehensively. "Because everything's gonna get really awkward and she'll stop being friends with me and that's a million times worse than her not knowing anything?"

Armin narrows his eyes at him. "But that's only under the assumption that she rejects you, right?"

Connie frowns, as though Armin's speaking Greek. "I'm not sure where you're getting at. That's the only assumption there is. Because that's exactly what's gonna happen when she finds out."

Jean folds his arms over his chest and leans against the wall. "Come on, Con. We all know that isn't true. What's gonna happen is, Sasha either accepts your feelings and goes out with you, or rejects your feelings and continues being best friends with you. Nothing's going to change. In fact, there's a chance that things might even get _better_ for you. If you know what I mean." He waggles his fingers suggestively.

Marco shoots Jean a stern look. "Jean's right, you know. Sasha isn't the kind of person who'd stop being friends with you just because you happen to like her."

"Is anyone going to tell me what's happening? Cause I thought we were cleaning the second floor, but now we're just talking about Connie's feelings like a bunch of girls." Eren is understandably irritated. Not that anyone cares.

"You said you wanted to give her something only you could give, Connie" Armin says softly. "I think you know what that is."

Connie nods. He picks up his duster and smiles at his friends. "Thanks, guys. I guess I needed that."

"So the chick-flick is over already?" a low voice interrupts the boys, and they turn around to find Levi Ackerman watching them, a broom in his hand and a scarf around his neck. He is not amused. "That's a shame. I was rather enjoying it."

None of them know him very well. All they know is that he's two years older than them and he's at the top of his class. He's also in the Basketball Club, despite being shorter than most people their age.

"Levi Ackerman?" says Eren. "What are you doing here? Do you have detention, too? I can't believe that a guy like you could get detention."

Levi glares at him. "Idiot brat. You have some nerve, suggesting that I would be stuck with the likes of you up here."

"Then why are you here?" demands Jean. "Were you spying on us?"

"Please. Like I'd be interested in your childish nonsense." Levi gestures to the broom in his hand. "This just happens to be a hobby. That's all." With that, he adjusts the scarf over his nose and stalks down the corridor.

The boys watch him leave, not knowing whether to laugh or feel insulted. "What a strange man," murmurs Armin.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Kitchen Closet**

"W-w-w-w-wait," Sasha's holds up her hand to stop him and tries to digest whatever she's just heard. "Did you just – did I hear – do you really –"

Connie rests his chin in his hand. "Why do you find it so hard to believe?"

"But you _can't_ like me!" Sasha wails. "This is crazy!"

"Why can't I like you?" he says, looking hurt.

"Because I'm the one who likes _you_!" she cries. "And besides –" she points an accusing finger at him, "you didn't kiss me yesterday! You pushed me away! Why would you do that if you liked me?"

Connie looks impressed. "Man. That's one selective memory."

"Connie!" she shrieks. "Seriously, though, is that some kind of joke?"

His expression hardens. "Yeah. Sure. My feelings for you, the ones I've had for like three months, are a _joke_. Let's go with that." he says sarcastically.

"Connie," she pleads. "Please, for once in your life, can you be serious and tell me _what the fuck is going on?_ Because I've been asking that question all morning, and I don't have a definitive answer yet."

He stares at her.

"Fine," he says.

* * *

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

The crowd is going wild.

Pandemonium has struck them. Everyone is making a mad rush for the elevators and stairs leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.

This is worse than the frenzy that had occurred a few minutes ago when the students thought that Horseface was haunting them. This is pure and utter chaos.

Connie, an innocent bystander, taps Franz Kefka on the shoulder. "Hey, man. What's going on here? Where's everybody going?"

"Oh, Connie," Franz stops and turns around to face him. "Do you know who Levi Ackerman is?"

Connie frowns. He has certainly heard of Titan Academy's star basketball player and has even run into him a couple of times during detention. "Yeah, I know him. Why?"

"There's a rumor going around that he's naked upstairs," Franz says in excitement. "Everyone wants a peek."

Connie shakes his head and worries for his generation. "Man," he says. "Why can't they leave that poor guy alone?"

"Come on," says Franz slyly. "Don't tell me you're not even a _little_ bit curious."

"Why would I be curious to see another guy's ding-dong?" he lies. "Anyway, you go ahead. Have fun. But remember –" he leans up and whispers wickedly, "you're going to think of Levi's naked body while you and Hannah do it tomorrow."

He walks away, leaving Franz behind with a disgusted expression on his face.

Connie notices Sasha push her way through a desperate crowd of fangirls thronging around the elevator. He sighed. The party was running out of steam by now. Some people had already gone to bed and others were drunk on the floor. A makeshift recovery room had been fashioned out of Rico Brzenska's office, where Rico herself was lying unconscious. He was sure that most people would leave soon after the Levi incident was over. Which meant that he had very little time left.

He sighed and popped another ice cube in his mouth. Connie had been afraid to drink anything Hange had offered him and had been living off ice cubes all night. His throat was hoarse and his mouth was frozen, but he couldn't get drunk because he had something important to do later.

No, scratch that. Not later. Now. Right now. Because Sasha is walking towards the bar in a daze.

This is it.

"Yo, Sash," he calls, trying to sound as casual as possible and pretending like their friendship doesn't hang in the balance with this conversation. "Happy birthday."

"Thank you," she murmurs, not looking at him. Instead, she stares blankly ahead.

"Sasha?" Connie slides into the seat next to her. "You okay?"

"I've seen things I can never unsee," she says quietly, and sighs. "This has been such a horrible night. I wish I could just forget everything that happened."

He watches Sasha pour herself glass of whiskey and swallow it in one gulp.

"Um, I think you should slow down there," he says. "Next thing you know, you're waking up on the roof with, like, no memory of the party."

She gives him a look.

"Whaaat?" he protests, holding out his hands in innocence. "It could happen."

Sasha shakes her head and drinks another glass of whiskey.

"So, um," he tries to think of the best way to broach the subject. "Wanna go for a walk?"

She stares at him like he's being ridiculous. "Whiskey's right here, hon."

"Yeah, but," Connie scratches the back of his head. This is turning out to be harder than he thought. "Come on. It's a beautiful night. Our last night in school."

When she doesn't respond, he adds, "There's some stuff I really need to talk to you about and I was hoping we could do it outside."

Sasha tries to get out of her chair, and falls flat on the floor. Connie has to pick her up and hold her steady so that she doesn't fall again. He pulls a reverse Prince Charming and helps her out of her gold slippers. "I don't know how you've been getting around all night with these wet slippers on," he mutters. "Anyway, you need some air. Come on, Potato Girl."

Because Connie is shorter than her, he has some difficulty holding her up (although taking her slippers off has been an enormous help) and helping her walk towards the exit. Despite what people might think, Sasha is heavier than she looks. Guess all those midnight snacks had to go _somewhere._

Being drunk has turned Sasha unnaturally quiet. Usually when the two are together, they never seem to run out of things to say. Sometimes, they'll even speak as fast as they can to get their point across before the other. Now, Connie is trying to make small talk with Sasha, but all she's saying is, "Yeah,", "I guess,", "Whatever." They can't reach the fountain soon enough.

He tries to set her down by the edge of the fountain very gently, but her weight and the strain on his arms causes him to dump her on the marble surface. She hits the surface hard and she moans in pain.

"Sorry," he says. However, the shock of hitting the fountain has introduced slight clarity into her mind, and for a moment, she seems almost sober. Instead of yelling at him, she just smiles sweetly.

That beautiful smile of hers results in his heart working overtime and he can't help but blurt out the next few words he says.

"Did you notice that I didn't get you a present?" he starts. It's a weird way to establish the subject and his beating around the bush doesn't help.

She shrugs, trying to look dismissive. "Yeah. But I thought it was because you spent all of your money on fried kitchen."

"Chicken," he corrects. "And, no. Sina, no. The last thing I want is for you to think that I'm some sort of cheap-ass ho, who can't afford a present and mooches off someone else instead."

From inside the dorm, drunk Eren's ears burn. "Is...is someone talking 'bout me?"

"Okay," says Sasha. "So where's my present, then?"

"Right here," he says nervously. "Sasha, for your sixteenth birthday, I'm giving you...lots and lots of corn!"

She blinks in confusion. "A corndog?"

"No! I want to give you my feelings!" he declares. He's trying to sound really romantic and suave, but his loud tone comes off as screaming instead. It doesn't help that his voice is so hoarse either, and he sounds like the world's loudest toad. "I want you to know how I feel about you and I want you to have my heart!"

"Huh?" she says. "No corndogs?"

"Sasha, I'm in love you with you," he says desperately. "And I've been in love with you for a really long time. Ever since we first spoke, in that closet, I've always known you were special. You're funny and cute and my best bro...and you light up my world and make me so happy and I just wanted you to know all of this!"

He turns away and continues, "You don't have to say anything. And if this is a deal breaker," he stops breathing, "I would understand if you don't wanna be friends with me anymore and even though I'll be as lonely as fuck I'll still be happy knowing that I once knew the greatest girl in the world and I was friends with her and I did what I could to make her mine but –"

His babbling is cut short when Sasha smashes her finger to his lips. "Shhh."

"What?" Connie's brows furrow.

"Stop talking," she whispers in a husky voice. "And kiss me."

"Sasha..." his voice trails off. He's so tempted to do what she says and his hormones are chiding him for not jumping at the opportunity. But he can't do it.

Her lips are drawing closer and closer to his. He can't think straight, but he knows that neither can she. Panicked, he pushes her away from him as hard as he can.

Sasha rotates on her butt and tumbles into the fountain.

"Holy Rose," Connie swears under his breath. His big damn moment was _not_ going according to plan at all. "I'm so sorry, Sasha, I didn't mean to push you in the fountain...oh man, what am I doing?"

He tries to help her out of the fountain, but she slaps his hand away. "Get away from me, you _liar_ ," she snarls. She then tries to pull herself out of the water. It takes many, many attempts, but finally she gets it right.

If Connie thought that only one scar on his heart was enough to break it, he was wrong.

"Sasha," he says pitifully, one slap in the face short of getting on his knees and groveling. "Why are you saying that? I've never lied to you..."

"You don't really like me," she cries. It doesn't take a detective to notice that Sasha's voice is high, her nose is running and her eyes are red and puffy.

"You're just making fun of me, right? Because if you liked me then why didn't you kiss me?"

"Sasha..." he says again. Connie is locked in lose-lose scenario – he could give Sasha what she wants and still not be happy, or he could tell her why he isn't kissing her and have both of them be unhappy. He is trapped, or, for want of a better word, _screwed_.

Unsatisfied with his answer, she slaps him on the face (not unlike Mikasa had slapped her earlier) and marches away. (It would be more accurate to say that she _tried_ to march away. She stumbles and falls every hundred meters or so, but manages to pick herself up and get inside her dorm.)

Connie doesn't know what to do, so he just sits there and cries. He's a man and XY law says that he isn't supposed to shed tears, but he figures that as long as no one can see him, it's okay.

When he's all cried out, he realizes that he should stop being a selfish asshole and go look for her. So he cleans his face with the fountain water, swallows his pride and goes back inside to look for her.

However, Sasha Blouse is nowhere to be seen.

He looks for her in the student lounge. She isn't there. He looks for her in Rico's office. She isn't there. He even knocks on the door to her room, but it doesn't answer. Either she is ignoring him and wants to be alone or she isn't there either.

He goes back downstairs and bumps into Eren.

"Hey, Baldy!" Eren says happily and slaps him on the back. "How you doing?"

"Eren," he says urgently, and shakes the boy. "Have you seen Sasha?"

Eren giggles. "Sasha went somewhere with Mee Casa."

He finally has a lead. "Ok, cool. Where did she go? Which way?"

His friend is unable to provide any more information. "Who cares?" giggles Eren. "Mee casa es su casa."

Connie takes this as his sign to leave. "Thanks Eren. You've been a great help." Because he has. At least he can now breathe knowing that Sasha is safe. For he knows that even though Mikasa is wasted, too, she will take care of his best friend.

So he does the only thing he can do: he makes his way back to the fountain. When he gets there again, he pulls his phone out and texts.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Kitchen Closet**

"Did I really slap you last night?" inquires Sasha.

"Seriously?" Connie sounds incredulous. "That's really the first thing you're gonna ask me? No, 'Why did you push me away?' or 'What were you thinking, giving me such a corny gift?' You're gonna go with the slap?"

Sasha frowns. "Well, I wanna know those, too. But if I slapped you, I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean it!"

His expression turns serious. "About that. I wanna apologize, too. I thought that you'd be happy to know that I was in love with you...boy, was I wrong."

"No!" Sasha cries. " _I'm_ supposed to be saying that! You're the one who didn't kiss me!"

Connie laughs. He's relieved to know that Sasha doesn't hate him after the fiasco last night. "I have a good reason for that, you know. Three, actually."

"Yeah?" she raises her eyebrow.

He nods. Counting on his fingers, like he's accustomed to doing, he says, "One, I don't kiss drunk chicks. Two, I had no idea if you really wanted to kiss me or if you were just horny. Three, I couldn't kiss you back without knowing how you felt about me."

Sasha smacks him in the arm. "Meanie. Of course I wanted to kiss you! I had this whole plan and everything!"

"Really?" he looks surprised.

"Yeah," she nods. She quickly tells him about her plan to kiss him on her birthday to let him know that she liked him. She explains how his rejection had hurt because it felt like he was rejecting _her_.

"Oh," he says. "That...explains a lot."

"Mmm." Sasha hugs her knees.

The elephant in the closet is still there and both of them are too afraid to address it. So they just sit there in silence for a while.

Finally Sasha speaks up. "Hey, Connie?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sober now," she informs him.

"Ah. Okay. Good for you."

"I'm kinda horny, but not really because this closet is smelly and dusty and it turns me off."

Connie's eyes widen, but he says nothing.

"You know that I really like you and I actually wanna kiss you." Sasha finishes.

He smiles. "Yeah, I know that now."

"SO WILL YOU JUST KISS ME ALREADY?" she practically screams.

Seriously, though, why is Connie so dense? He did not realize that she was in love with him all this while. You gotta be a certain kind of dumb to be that thick.

Which meant that she was the same kind of dumb. Because she didn't know that he liked her, either.

He grins and leans up to meet her lips.

True, Sasha has never kissed anyone before. Except for her favorite pig back on the farm which doesn't count because it was a pig. The kiss isn't what she expected it to be – their noses bump into each other, another hat falls on Sasha's head and Connie has to slap the back of her head when she tries to use tongue too quickly. But nevertheless, it's beautiful and magical and WHY THE FUCK WON'T HER HEART SLOW DOWN?

He pulls away. "So..."

She blushes. "Yeah..."

They're both pink and too embarrassed to meet each other's eyes.

"So, uh," Connie speaks up. "What does this mean for us?"

"You tell me," Sasha rests her face in both of her palms and studies him, as though waiting to see what he would say next.

There's a long silence. For a moment, she's almost afraid that he's gonna bolt and leave her in the closet by herself and pretend like there's nothing going on between them. But then Connie does something unexpected.

He stands up and gets down on one knee.

"Holy Potatoes," she whispers. Her hands fly to her mouth.

He pulls out a Pringle from the can and holds it out in front of her.

"Connie, we're _sixteen_ years old!" Sasha cries. "We're not ready for this!"

"Sasha Blouse," he announces in his deepest voice.

"Connie, stop it!"

"Will you do me the honor..."

She's about to cry. Why, oh why, does everything always have to be a goddamned _joke_ with him?

"Of being my...girlfriend?" Connie finishes with a smile.

"I..." She's speechless. Her eyes travel back and forth from the chip to his smile. "Yes!"

He laughs and feeds her the chip, which she demolishes quickly. Then the two hug for the longest time.

Another embarrassed silence fills the air.

"Wanna make out again?" Sasha finally asks.

Connie places both his arms behind his head. "Oh, I don't know," he says, trying to sound uninterested. "To be honest, you weren't as good as I thought you'd be, and –"

"Connie!"

He laughs and leans in to kiss her again.


	9. What Erwin Remembers

**Sunday, July 27, Principal's Office**

"You ready?" Connie asks. He squeezes her hand hard.

Sasha sighs. "Yes? No? I don't know. How do you even prepare yourself for something like this?"

They are standing before the door to the Principal's office. Since it's a Sunday the Principal's staff isn't here. But the man is known to be a workaholic, the kind who loves his job so much that taking a break seems like a chore. Rumor has it that he is so busy running the school that he can't find a girlfriend. Sasha and Connie had confirmed this when they once tried to register Jean on a popular dating site and found their Principal's profile on there.

Sasha and Connie have never spoken to the Principal in person. Not many in their class have, actually, besides the suck-ups like Armin and Annie and Marco who converse with him on a regular basis. They've only seen him during the entrance ceremony and sometimes around the campus. He's an intimidating man, and they would rather avoid him than face him.

And now Sasha has been summoned to his office to talk about her out-of-control birthday party. Needless to say, the prospect does not excite her.

"Hey," Connie places his hand on her shoulder and squeezes gently. "It's gonna be okay. He's not gonna expel you, if that's what you were thinking."

"You really think so?" she asks doubtfully.

"Yeah," he tries to sound confident. "I mean, it was your birthday yesterday! And nobody upsets the birthday girl!"

Sasha gives him a look.

"Well, okay, maybe not," Connie corrects himself. "But you know what I mean! And anyway, if he did expel you, I'd throw an even bigger party and get expelled too!"

She stares at him. "You'd throw a party if I got expelled?"

"That's not what I meant..." he trails off.

"I know. I know what you mean. Thanks, anyway." Sasha smiles sadly. "Well, this is it." She lifts her hand and taps on the door twice.

A deep voice from within the room calls, "Come in."

"Good luck, Sash," Connie whispers, pushing open the door for her. "I'll be right here."

"Yeah," she nods and enters the room.

Principal Erwin Smith's head is down and he's frowning deeply at a paper on his desk. The curtains in his office are drawn and they give the room a dull, dreary appearance. The two plants beside his desk do not help brighten up the place and the wall is plastered with framed accolades of all kinds. His desk is empty, with the exception of the paper he's reading, a computer screen, a flask and a photograph of a smiling woman.

"I don't believe this!" Erwin exclaims.

Sasha sighs. Hoo boy. Here it comes. "I'm sorry, sir, I –"

"The Trost Lions lost _again_?" he complains. "I mean, I knew they were on a losing streak, but I believed in them! I thought that with the Stohess Storks' star pitcher out of the play, they were actually going to _win_ for once!"

"Uh, yeah," Sasha mumbles. "The Stohess Storks suck. Baseball stuff. Fourth base. Totally."

"Looks like I owe Pixis a lot of money," he mutters. He twists the cap off his flask and pours out some coffee.

"Coffee?" he offers.

"Uh, no thanks," she shakes her head.

What is she even doing in here? She should be in her room right now, packing, or in Connie's room, making out. Does the Principal know about last night? Did he call her here to expel her? Or did he just want to discuss baseball? Sasha is extremely confused.

Erwin shrugs and takes a sip. He puts the cup back down and folds his hands under his chin. "So, Sasha," he says amiably. "How are you?"

"Fine," she mumbles. "Sir." Then, as an afterthought, she asks, "How are you, sir?"

"Good, good," he smiles. "Besides Trost's _abysmal_ performance yesterday, I'm great. Did you know that I hit _five hundred_ Twitter followers today?"

Sasha doesn't know what to say. Erwin Smith is smiling proudly, like he just finished running a marathon, or giving birth. "No, sir," she replies. "Congratulations."

His smile falters. "You don't follow me on Twitter?"

"Um, no," she says, trying not to sound guilty. But why would the Principal think that she followed him on Twitter? Was he nuts?

Mmm. Nuts.

"Ah," Erwin smiles again, a slow, secretive smile. "That explains it."

The problem with Erwin is that he has these thick, bushy, blond eyebrows that look like overfed caterpillars. So when he smiles, he looks like he's inviting Sasha into the back of his van for some candy. She lowers her head, pretending to look ashamed. The last thing she needs is for him to catch her staring at his eyebrows.

He leans back in his chair and unfolds his arms, crossing them over his chest instead. "So. I heard that yesterday was your birthday. Happy birthday, Sasha."

"Thank you, sir," Sasha mumbles. She knows where this is going and can already feel the sweat forming on her brow.

He leans forward and rests his chin on the back of his hand. "And I heard that you celebrated your birthday _in style_ last night."

A lump forms in her throat.

 _Goodbye, Titan Academy. It was nice knowing you, if only for a semester. Goodbye, dining hall. Thanks for the memories. And the food. Goodbye, guys. I'll miss you all. Goodbye, Mikasa. You were the bestest roommate ever. Goodbye, Connie. I will never forget you._

"I'm sorry, sir," she says and bows her head. "But, uh, how did you find out?"

Erwin gives her an odd look. "You and your friends were making a lot of noise last night. There were many teachers who heard you. They all reported it to me."

"Oh," says Sasha, her insides burning with embarrassment. _Shit._

"Not to mention, your cousin Hange's been posting these all week." His hand guides the mouse on his desk and he turns the screen towards her.

Hange's Facebook wall is displayed on the screen. Sasha facepalms when she glimpses Hange's constant updates throughout the week.

 **Hange Zoë**

25 July at 00:03

Just one more day to go for the par-tay!

Like Comment Share

 **Hange Zoë**

24 July at 00:27

Two more days to go!

Like Comment Share

 **Hange Zoë**

23 July at 00:14

Three more days to go for Sasha's big day!

2 Comments

Like Comment Share

 **Levi Ackerman** Idiot. Stop posting this every day, the teachers are going to see it.

Like · Reply · 52 · 23 July at 00:14

 **Hange Zoë** So? If any teachers are reading this, then they're invited too! J

Unlike · Reply · 1 · 23 July at 00:16

"Oh," Sasha says again. "But sir, if you knew about the party, then why didn't you try to stop it?"

He smiles. "Well, Sasha, it seems that you had an extremely _responsible_ chaperone last night. So I wasn't worried."

Sasha is immediately alarmed. Is he talking about Rico? Technically, she was present for the entire party, but she was unconscious. Hannes? The boys trusted him and had invited him, but he'd chosen to stay back and cover for them. As far as she could remember, these were the only teachers involved.

Was Erwin referring to a student? Who could it be? Armin, the class nerd, and Marco, the class representative, were both drunk and singing terribly. Annie, the other class representative, had disappeared early on, presumably to take a long, hot shower. Levi Ackerman, rumored to be the Principal's favorite student, too had vanished to put on his Chippendales act. So who was Erwin talking about?

"What do you mean, sir?" Sasha asks.

Erwin raises an eyebrow. "Me, of course. I was at the party last night. Did you not see me there?"

If Sasha had taken Erwin up on his offer for coffee, she would have taken a sip at that moment and spit it out on his face. "Excuse me?" she squeaks.

The Principal sighs. "Huh. I _was_ going for low-key, but I thought at least _some one_ would notice me. Yes, Sasha. I was there. You don't remember me because you were too inebriated to notice and no one else remembers because I was wearing this orange suit that was kind of blending in with the walls of the student lounge."

Sasha stares at him.

"Note to self," Erwin mutters, typing away furiously on his computer. " _Have student lounge walls painted._ "

"Why?" she says finally, uttering the only word she can think of. "Why did you come, sir? I mean, not that I didn't want you there, but..."

He shrugs. "Well, Hange DID say that anyone who read her posts were invited. And Shadis had complained about the noise you kids were making, so..."

"Yes, but –"

"Also, I had to live tweet the whole thing! You don't think I hit five hundred followers by just being myself, do you?" Erwin grins.

There is a long pause as she digests this information.

"Sir," Sasha says slowly. "Does that mean that you and your followers know about _every single thing_ that happened last night?"

"Why, yes," replies Erwin. He winks at her. "I trust that you and Connie Springer made up this morning?"

This statement causes Sasha to turn beet red and turn her gaze away, concentrating on one of the pictures on the wall instead. It's only then she notices that rather than an award, it's a piece of haiku about the Trost Lions. Probably written by Erwin himself.

"Yes, sir," she mutters.

"Good," he takes another sip of coffee. A thought occurs to him and he frowns. "Does it bother you that I tweeted the whole thing?"

Sasha's brain goes into overdrive. Yes, it does bother her, but right now Erwin Smith – and his followers – are the only people who know the whole story. Including the ending. Which means that this is her chance to find out what happened after she slapped Connie.

"No, sir," she smiles widely. "Your tweets sound _fascinating_. I'd totally read them."

This works exactly like she intends it to, because the next thing she knows he's typing away on his computer again and pushing the screen towards her.

"Well, go on!" he encourages. "You asked for my tweets – here you go!"

Sasha sighs and scrolls to the first tweet.

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 16h

So apparently first year **SashaBlouse** is having a party

 **#HappyBirthdaySasha** **#ThxForTheInvite**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 15h

OMG this party is wilder than I thought

 **#BringsBackMemories #SaturdayNights #College**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 15h

 **CarlaYeager** Your son is fine. He is too busy arguing with the horse kid to have any fun

 **#RivalsAmirite #Roommates #OverprotectiveMom**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 15h

 **HelgaDupont** I apologize for calling your son horse kid. It was unprofessional of me

 **#ButHeDoesLookLikeAHorse #FaceOnlyAMotherCouldLove**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 15h

 **HelgaDupont** Yes I am aware that your new husband is really rich

 **#StopBraggingWoman #FineIWillNotMakeFunOfYourSonAnymore**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 15h

WTF did **MikasaAckerman** just slap **SashaBlouse**

 **#RoommateIssues #FirstVictim #WorthAThousandSlaps**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 15h

 **CarlaYeager** Yes I will make sure **MikasaAckerman** lies down and drinks plenty of water

 **#Awww #StandInMom**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 14h

LOL **ReinerBraun** putting the moves on **KristaLenz**

 **#OutOfYourLeague #StickToYourRightHandSon**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 14h

BURRRRRN!

 **#Reiner #Ymir #BitchKrista**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 14h

 **FriedrichBraun** No, this Reiner is not your son. It's another Reiner a Polish brunette with piercings who plays the accordion

 **#Phew #GotYourBackBigGuy #DisasterAverted**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 14h

 **FriedrichBraun** Yes I will let your son know that he is in big trouble when he gets home

 **#SorryBuddy #TriedMyBest**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 14h

 **BertoltHoover** likes **AnnieLeonhart** , who knew?

 **#BigGuySmallGirl #SilentLove #CannotSpitItOut**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 14h

 **AliceHoover** Yes I will congratulate your son on your behalf and I will make sure he uses protection

 **#WTF #SorryWomanTotallyNotGoingThere #NotTheSexEdGuy**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 14h

 **FerdinandLeonhart** Yes I will make sure that the giraffe does not get anywhere near your baby girl

 **#TornBetweenBothSidesHere #Halp #RomeoAndJuliet**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 14h

OMG OMG OMG **BertoltHoover** puked all over **AnnieLeonhart**!

 **#Gross #WhatAWayToConfess #DrunkInLove**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 14h

 **FerdinandLeonhart** I am sorry but I cannot murder my own students

 **#InCaseYouForgotImThePrincipal**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 13h

Time to relax with some live music courtesy of **ArminArlert**

 **#FulfillYourDreams #4NonBlondes**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 13h

I AM SUDDENLY OVERCOME WITH THE NEED TO BE **#FABULOUS**

 **#TheyDontCallHimHeManForNothing #SuchHair #MuchFab**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 13h

 **MarcoBodt** 's voice makes my ears bleed tho

 **#TalentedKidJustNotAtSinging #StickToYourDayJob**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 13h

 **RebeccaBodt** But your big brother CAN'T sing

 **#ISpeakForTheTruth #YoureNineWhyDoYouEvenHaveAnAccount**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 13h

And what are they even holding? How did they get their hands on such a thing?

 **#WhoBringsThatToASweet16 #KidsGrowUpSoFastTheseDays**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 13h

All Parents Geez calm down I took it away and hid it after **MarcoBodt** 's song

 **#CalmDown #ICanOnlyHandleSoManyNotificationsAtATime #IAmAResponsibleGuy**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 13h

 **RebeccaBodt** I'm sorry I can't tell you what it was

 **#Innocence #ChildhoodRuined #ArentYouSupposedToBeInBedRightNow**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

So **ErenYeager** and **JeanKirstein** are having a drinking contest

 **#SameOldStory #Chug #ConnieInterferes**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

 **HelgaDupont** Are you sure you don't want me to stop it?

 **#WTFWoman #BTWYourSonIsGettingHisAssHandedToHim**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

 **CarlaYeager** You think that your son can beat **HelgaDupont** 's son?

 **#RivalryEscalates #BattleOfTheMoms #MyMoneysOnEren**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

 **HelgaDupont** I'm sorry, but Jean is walking away. To throw up, I presume. Pay up

 **#AlcoholIsNotForHorses #GoodJobCarla #GGNoRe**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

OMG HORSEFACE IS BACK

 **#Ghost #HybridMonster #ThatHeadLooksFamiliar**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

 **HelgaDupont** No, I am not talking about your son

 **#OrAmI #SoYouThinkYourSonIsAHorse**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

Hiding behind a plant because I'm not ready to die

 **#YourPrincipalIsAChicken #BucketList #CantDieBeforeTrostWinsALeague**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

So, Horseface was **JeanKirstein**. Why am I not surprised?

 **#TotallySawThatComing #EatHayWhileTheMoonShines #WrestlingForTheHead**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

WTF is **Hange** doing

 **#QuestionableGender #ManOrWoman #DrunkAF**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

 **LeviAckerman** LEVI NO

 **#FavoriteStudent #DontEmbarrassYourself #FangirlAttack**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

 **LeviAckerman** LEVI WHAT ARE YOU DOING

 **#ForTheLoveOfTheGodesses #JustStop #YouHaveABrightFutureAheadOfYou**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

At least he decided to take it upstairs

 **#Standards #SurprisinglyRipped #SixPack**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

Ok, guys, this is it. Baldy( **ConnieSpringer** ) is finally confessing to **SashaBlouse**

 **#Awww #PotatoLove #Springles**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

 **SunnySpringer** Well maybe if your brother didn't want to be called Baldy he wouldn't be shaving his head completely

 **#DoesHeThinkHesInTheArmy #WhyDoLittleKidsHaveTwitterAccounts**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

 **MartinSpringer** I'm sure your brother would not like hearing such comments about his love life

 **#ScrewTheTwitterAgeLimit #ButYoureRightConnieHasBeenAloneForTooLong**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

 **EdwardBlouse** Seriously you kids need to STOP interfering in your siblings' love lives

 **#ForThatMatterWhyAmIInterferingInMyStudentsLoveLives**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

AND WE HAVE SPLASHDOWN!

 **#SoakingWet #DrunkLittleBirthdayGirl #ConfessionGoneWrong**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 12h

Ouch **ConnieSpringer**

 **#SecondSlapOfTheNight #Tsundere #RootingForBaldy**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 11h

 **SashaBlouse** and **MikasaAckerman** are drunk and on the building roof. I am both curious and terrified

 **#BadEnding #WhyTheRoofTho #ThisIsMessedUp**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 11h

OK so they're just talking about love the meaning of life and stuff

 **#42 #OnMyGuard #ShutUpEdward**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 11h

 **SashaBlouse** falls asleep while **MikasaAckerman** talks about her crush

 **#LOL #ErenYouIdiot#PoorMikasa**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 11h

The party is over. Gonna be a night A LOT of people are gonna regret tomorrow

 **#EvilGrin #TheyHadItComing #ThatllTeachThemToTrySomethingLikeThisAgain**

 **Erwin Smith** ErwinSmith · 11h

PS everyone gets detention. MUAHAHAHAHA

 **#ErwinOut**

Sasha turns the screen around. Her face is blank and her mind has stalled.

"What." she says.

The Principal clears his throat.

"Sorry, I mean, what. _Sir._ " she adds.

Erwin Smith is studying her curiously. "Is everything okay?"

She thinks about this. Is everything really okay? It's hard to believe that she spent all morning trying to piece together the events of last night, when all she had to do was go through the Principal's Twitter feed. In retrospect, she feels kinda foolish now. She could have been packed and ready to go by now. Her train leaves for Dauper soon, and in an hour Jean's chauffeur will be here to drive them to the station. And she _still_ hasn't finished packing.

These things aside, she ponders over her feelings about the Principal crashing her party and live tweeting it. As bizarre as it sounds, Erwin Smith did spend last night at _her_ party, observing every drunken activity taking place and using his observations to gain an increase on his Twitter followers. Not to mention, _all of their families_ (with the exception of Armin's grandfather, who probably doesn't have a Twitter account, Krista's family, who consider social media to be The Source Of All Evil, and whoever the fuck Ymir is related to) know about the party and whatever happened at it.

Dammit. She's going to have to bribe Ed with an extra helping of Dad's stew tonight to make sure he doesn't open his mouth to their parents about this.

In one shot, the Principal has managed to make them regret their activities last night _and_ inform their families about it. And if that's not all, he also seems to have given them all detention for the next semester.

 _Erwin, you sneaky bastard._ He's clearly a lot more cunning than he pretends to be.

If there's one consolation to any of this, it's that Erwin is smiling and looking pleased with himself. He doesn't seem to be angry about last night, nor does it seem like he wants to expel her.

So she tries to curry as much favor as she can with him.

Sidenote: Sasha could totally go for some curry right now.

"This is great, sir!" she says enthusiastically. "You totally captured the essence of the party last night! I'm so gonna follow you from now on!"

Erwin smiles smugly. "I thought so, too. I mean, I didn't tweet about Hange and Levi – even _I_ have my limits, but –"

"No, sir, your tweets are amazing!" Sasha gushes. "They're like a tl;dr version of the entire story!"

"Yes," he nods. "Thank you." He stares into the distance and frowns. "Maybe I should make a career out of this..."

She nods vigorously, pretending to be interested. Slowly, she stands up and turns her gaze towards the clock on his wall.

"Wow, would you look at the time!" Sasha says loudly. "I can't believe it's already eleven-thirty! If I don't leave now, I'm definitely going to miss my train! Thank you for your time, sir! Go, Lions!" She pumps her fist into the air.

Erwin smiles and gestures to the door. "Yes, you should leave. Can't have you missing your train home, right? Have a great summer, Sasha. Make sure you finish all your homework! Go, Lions!"

Sasha grins to herself and quickly makes her way to the door. Before she can leave, however, Erwin's voice stops her in her tracks.

"Oh, Sasha?" he calls.

 _Drat_. Slowly, she turns around and forces a smile on her face. "Yes, sir?"

"Four weeks of detention starting next semester," he says cheerfully. "But you already knew that, didn't you?"

 _Dammit!_

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Titan Academy Parking Lot**

"Master Jean," Jean's chauffeur, Sebastian, stammers as he watches Jean strap into the driver's seat. "I don't think you're ready to drive yet..."

"I can do this," Jean replies. He jerks his thumb out of the window. "Put the luggage in the trunk and let them in."

"Yes, Master," murmurs the chauffeur. He opens the back door of the Kirsteins' BMW to let Connie and Sasha in, and then hurries to the open the passenger door for Marco.

"You guys ready to go?" Jean asks. He places his feet over the clutch and accelerator. His left hand lies on the gearshift and his right is on the wheel.

"Yeah," says Marco, fastening his seatbelt.

"Mmmph," say Connie and Sasha. The best-friends-turned-lovers have already begun making out furiously in the back seat.

"What the fuck?" curses Jean. He adjusts the rear-view mirror and watches Sebastian place their luggage in the trunk. "You two need to get a room. Seriously."

"Oh, lighten up, Jean," Marco laughs. "They literally just got together. We're going to have to get used to this."

"I don't mind them going at it, actually," Jean clarifies. "But they don't have to do it _in the back seat of my car_."

"Yeah," says Marco. He stares off outside the window. "Must be nice, huh? To find love with your best friend like that?" His fingers inch slowly over the gearshift until they meet Jean's hand.

"Hmm? I guess." Jean replies. He absently takes his hand off the gearshift and places it on the steering wheel. "Sebastian, are the bags in?"

Marco sighs sadly.

"Yes, Master," Sebastian calls, slamming the trunk shut. He opens the back door and gingerly seats himself next to the amorous couple. "Master Jean, your stepfather would not approve of you driving his car all over the city like this!"

"What my stepfather doesn't know won't kill him," says Jean. "So you're not gonna tell him about this and _kill_ him, will you?"

"Of course not!" Sebastian says, aghast. "I would never dream of doing such a thing!"

"Good." Jean smirks. "Glad we settled that." He starts the car. "Let's go."

Soon, they are driving through Trost on their way to the station. Marco is staring out of the window, Sebastian is fidgeting nervously in the back and Connie and Sasha have pulled apart and are beaming at each other.

"I can't believe it," Sasha says. "The whole morning feels so surreal. I feel like a video game character, adventuring all over campus to rescue Princess Peach from the closet." She pecks her boyfriend lightly on the cheek.

"Really? I thought it was more like a movie," Connie says. "I mean, me waiting in that closet all morning for you to show up...it's romantic, right?"

"There's nothing romantic about being in the closet," mutters Marco.

"Wait, you found him in a closet?" Jean asks.

"Yeah," Sasha smiles. "After everything that happened all day, he was actually waiting for me in the closet we first met in!"

"You two met in a closet?" Jean frowns. "I don't get it. You're gonna have to start from beginning."

Connie and Sasha exchange glances. "Sure," she smiles. "It's a long –"

"– And awesome –" pipes in Connie.

"– Story about closets, birthday parties –"

"–Confessions, corny presents –"

"–Pringles, crazy cousins –"

"–Angry slaps, bitchy goddesses–"

"–Puke, music videos –"

"–Horsefaces, naked basketball players –"

"You know," Sasha interrupts. "We never did find out the story behind Levi getting naked."

"Eh," Connie shrugs. "Probably for the best. This story is rated Teen, you know."

"Wait, Levi was naked?" Marco asks.

"And then I confessed to Sasha, pushed her into the fountain, got slapped by her and waited for her in a closet," Connie says.

"And the Principal live tweeted the whole thing!" Sasha finishes.

Marco and Jean exchange glances. Even Sebastian looks confused.

" _What?_ " the three exclaim in unison.

Sasha grins. It's gonna be a while before they get to the station. "Gentlemen," she says. "Get ready for the best drunk story of your life..."


	10. What Levi Doesn't Want To Remember

**Sunday, July 27, Room A/402**

Levi Ackerman wakes up with a start.

With a groan, he rubs his eyes and blinks at his surroundings. His head hurts like fuck, he's in some strange room, his eyes feel like they're glued shut, he's naked, and the room smells like whiskey–

Wait a minute.

He's naked.

He's lying on a bed, covered in sheets, and he's naked.

WHY IS HE NAKED?

And that's not all. He has just realized something else.

There is someone else in bed next to him. Oh Maria. This is not happening.

He squeezes his eyes shut. This is a dream. A bad, bad dream. When he wakes up, everything will return back to normal.

But when he opens his eyes, nothing has changed. He's wide awake, and the nightmare is real.

He then slaps himself in the cheek. Nope. The person is still there. So he turns the other cheek and slaps himself again. No can do.

He tries to think happy thoughts to help him avoid thinking about whatever this is. He's in a field, in a wicker chair. He's holding a cup of Darjeeling and its earthy smell is soothing and calming. He's –

His fantasy is interrupted when his companion throws a stray arm over him.

"Tch." He pulls the covers off in order to get out of bed. Unfortunately, doing so reveals the person he has shared a bed with, and it's the last person he would like to be in this situation with.

And to make things worse, she's naked too.

Again, he tries to think of people he'd rather be naked in bed with. Isabel. Petra. Farlan. Mike. Gunther. Eld. Hell, even Oluo would do.

Moblit. Principal Erwin Smith. Eren Yeager.

His pet rock. A bottle of Windex. His grandpa's dead body. His cousin, who hates his guts. Principal Erwin's broom. A single dirty sock. In short, he would prefer being here with literally anyone except her.

Hange stirs in her sleep and turns so that her front is exposed. He has to cover his eyes to preserve his innocence – if it's still there, that is.

All of his symptoms lead him to believe that he was extremely drunk last night. Which he simply cannot believe, because A, he does not get drunk (no, seriously. Levi Ackerman is physically incapable of getting drunk.) and B, even hypothetically drunk him would know better than to sleep with Hange.

He sneaks a glance at her _face_. She looks so peaceful and calm, smiling in her sleep. You'd never guess that she's a crazy science freak from looking at her now.

It would be a shame if someone woke her up...

He reaches out and pinches her nose shut. This pose is held for a while until Hange realizes that she cannot breathe and is forced to wake up.

"WAAAH!" she sucks in some air through her mouth and exhales. "What – where –?"

"Shhh," Hange's loud voice hurts his ears and makes his headache worse. "Shut up, Four-Eyes."

Hange blinks at him. "Shorty? Levi? Is that you?"

"No," he says automatically. "I'm a fucking fairy princess that looks like him. What do you think?"

"Oh, so it _is_ you!" Hange smiles at him and sits up in bed. Doing so causes the sheet covering her to slip off, revealing most of her body right down to her thighs. This does not make her uncomfortable in the slightest, but Levi is forced to turn away. "Did we have sex last night?"

Trust Hange to address the issue he's trying to forget about right away.

"Sina, I hope not," he mutters. He finds himself involuntarily scanning the floor for his clothes, and yep, sure enough, they're there. As much as he hates the thought of it, he can't help but feel that Hange is right.

"WE DID!" she screeches. "We so totally did! I mean, just look at you! You're naked! You look so embarrassed! Your clothes are on the floor! Oh my Goddesses, we totally had sex last night!"

Levi picks up a book from her desk and throws it at her. "You don't have to be so loud," he says. "I can hear you just fine."

"But you're not denying it! That means I'm right! We had sex! WE TOTALLY HAD SEX! WE –"

Realization finally hits Hange, causing her to stop in her tracks. "Oh no," she repeats quietly. " _We had sex_."

"Yah," Levi says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"I –" For once, Hange is at a loss for words. "What happened last night?"

Silence fills the room as both of them think about the events of the previous night. Unlike their cousins, who will be searching for answers all over the school in a few hours, Levi and Hange come to conclusions easily.

"It was your cousin's birthday," Levi starts. "Which reminds me."

He picks up his phone off the floor and taps away slowly. He's looking for a certain video taken last night that deserves to be seen by the rest of the world ASAP.

When he closes the YouTube app, he focuses back to the matter at hand. "Your cousin. The potato one."

"Sasha? I have only one cousin, you know," Hange replies. "Did she have some sort of party last night?"

He stares at her for a full minute, then nods. "Right. Of course. The two for one thing."

"What?" she asks.

"Here's the thing," Levi explains. He picks up a pair of pants off the floor and uses it to cover himself, while simultaneously throwing the covers over her to preserve her modesty. "You were bartending yesterday. And you were serving both the guests and yourself. For every two drinks you served, you drank one. And you got super high and now you're hungover. Do you understand?"

"Huh." Hange considers this for a while. "I don't remember anything. But it does sound like something I would do."

" _Anything_ could sound like stuff you would do," he points out. "Throwing a ridiculous party and getting minors drunk? Something you would do. Getting yourself drunk? Still something you'd do. Getting _me_ drunk? I don't know how you pulled that off."

"Awww, shucks, you're such a flatterer," Hange waves her hand at him, pretending to be modest. "Still, why did I end up sleeping with you? I don't even like short people!"

Levi throws another book at her.

"Ow," she complains, rubbing her head. "Besides, I always thought my first would be Moblit."

" _Moblit_?" he repeats.

"Yeah," she replies. "I think he has a crush on me, you know? I mean, he's always following me around and saying stuff like, 'Don't make liquid nitrogen bombs in the Chem lab, Hange! You'll kill yourself!', 'Don't set your own hair on fire, Hange! You'll kill yourself!' and 'Don't drop Mentos in the Coke, Hange! You'll kill yourself!' Why would he say stuff like that if he didn't like me?"

"Probably because, unlike the rest of us, Moblit doesn't want to see you blow yourself up?" Levi points out.

"Nah," Hange shakes her head and answers confidently. "He's totally in love with me. It's so obvious."

"Whatever," Levi snaps. "We need to talk about how we're going to deal with this. Regardless of what happened last night, _no one finds out about this._ "

Hange smirks. "Are you ashamed of me, Shorty? Don't want people finding out about us?"

"THERE IS NO US." If Levi could pick an emoji to demonstrate how he felt right now, it would be (-_-). "WE DID NOT HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT AND EVEN IF WE DID NO ONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT IT. GOT IT?"

"Yeah, okay," says Hange finally. She watches Levi pick up his clothes off the floor and put them on. "I won't say anything if you don't want me to."

"Good." Finally clothed, Levi makes his way to the door. "This incident will be forgotten as soon as we leave. Have a good summer."

He opens the door to let himself out. There's something that's been bugging him since last night and he has to handle it as soon as possible. But he is forced to stop when a figure blocks his path.

Hange's roommate, Petra Ral, is at the doorway. Her room key is in her hand and it looks like she was about to open the door before Levi exited the room. She stares at him in surprise.

"Um," she says awkwardly. "Hey, Levi. What are you doing here?"

He's in shock. He thought he would be able to escape quietly and put this whole thing behind him, but apparently he was wrong. It's pretty early, so he thought that no one would be up at this hour, but Petra seems to be an early riser just like him.

He decides to turn the tables on her.

"You're wearing the same clothes as you were last night," he says quietly. "Walk of shame?"

Petra turns crimson. "I, uh, yeah, actually," she stutters. He's never seen her so embarrassed. Which is good, because it's exactly the kind of effect he was going for. "We were both drunk and lonely and..."

"Horny," he finishes.

Her face couldn't get any redder than it was then. "Yeah. That." she says.

"Huh," Levi says dryly. "Nothing like a good fuck every now and then. So who's the lucky bastard?"

Petra looks down. She's unable to meet his eye. Which means that the guy is one of their friends. _Even better._ "I – I'd rather not say. Yet."

He raises an eyebrow, pretending to be curious. "Well. I won't embarrass you anymore. Good day."

She gives him an embarrassed smile and enters her room. When she does, however, she is greeted by the sight of Hange asleep and naked. She stares back and forth between her roommate and Levi's retreating form, her mouth open.

When she finally connects the dots, Levi has disappeared.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Student Lounge (Girls)**

The super-important thing that had been bugging Levi since last night was this. The student lounge is a mess, and it is his mission as a self-appointed Crusader of Cleanliness to get rid of it. He enjoys this. After all, everyone has something that helps them blow off steam. Mike bathes their room in Chanel No. 5 when he's annoyed and spends hours just standing there and smelling it. His uncle Kenny drives far and fast when he's pissed. Levi, on the other hand, cleans.

He spends two hours there, clearing up the entire place and thinking about Hange. As much as he tries not to, her annoying face and shitty glasses and pudgy nude body are at the back of his mind. For the umpteenth time, he wonders what demon possessed him last night to get drunk and bang _her_ , of all people.

By the time he's done, there are six black garbage bags lying outside the building. The room is back to its natural order. Sasha's presents and shoes are neatly placed in her room. The invalids in Rico's office are left where they are. Rico herself is returned to her room on the second floor. Pleased with himself and feeling marginally better about the whole Hange situation, he returns back to his room.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Dining Hall**

So far, Levi's morning has passed without much incident. When he got back to his room after a really long and _thorough_ shower, Mike was fast asleep, so he lay down in his bed and pretended like he had been there all night. Mike didn't say anything about last night, except for "Great party, huh?" Now, they're both having breakfast in the dining hall and everything seems to be going well.

Mike Zacharias has an unusually strong sense of smell, and Levi is in perpetual fear of the thought that at any minute now Mike may smell the sex on him and out him. So he's been eating the smelliest foods served today and has already consumed five bowls of natto.

Understandably, no one is sitting near the tables around them. It's a miracle that Mike himself is able to tolerate sitting next to him.

Soon, Eld, Oluo and Gunther show up. None of them seem to know anything about him and Hange, so he's relieved. There's all sort of idle chatter and small talk and Oluo bragging about a girl he hooked up with last night, which he couldn't give two shits about. Some jokes are made about Levi's choice of breakfast, but other than that, everything seems fine.

That is, until _she_ shows up.

"Hehe," Oluo chuckles, as the boys turn to watch Hange and Petra enter the dining hall. "Looks like someone's back for more!" He makes a sleazy face and winks at Levi.

Levi's blood turns cold. He grips the edges of his chair hard. _Shit. He knows._

"Shut up, Oluo," says Gunther irritably. "You sound like a perv. Leave her alone."

Wait. Gunther is defending her – and indirectly, him? Does he know, too? Do they all know?

"Yeah," says Eld. "She's our friend. I mean, as a dude, I know I should be happy that a fellow dude got laid, but you're just making it creepy."

Yup. They know. He's never going to able live this one down.

He wonders if he should say something,

"Can you idiots please shut up?" Levi says, placing his chopsticks beside his tray. "Is that all you think about? Sex? Shouldn't you have more important matters on your mind, like packing and going home and seeing your families?"

Everyone looks startled for a moment. Then Oluo snaps back to reality and says, "Yeah! Why are you three always talking about doing it and girls and stuff? You're so _lame_."

Disaster averted.

But the disaster returns when Hange and Petra arrive at their table, trays in hand. "Good morning, guys," says Petra cheerfully. Levi notices that she's avoiding their eyes.

"Hey, Petra," they greet her.

"Hello, gentlemen!" Hange sings, slipping into the seat beside Oluo. "Good morning."

Levi is immediately thrown into a state of panic at the sound of her voice. He has to behave normally. He has to act like this isn't bothering him at all. No one should know. "Good morning," he blurts and bows stiffly at Hange.

This action earns him the stares of all of his friends.

"Um. Levi." Gunther says slowly. "What are you doing?"

"Since when are you so polite?" asks Mike suspiciously.

 _Crap_. Instead of avoiding suspicion, he has cast more doubt on himself because of his stupidity.

In order to fix this one tiny mistake, he goes on and makes an even bigger one.

"Since today," Levi replies. "You know what they say. Manners make a man. Good morning," he bows at Mike. "Good morning," he bows at Gunther. "Good morning, good morning, good morning!" He bows awkwardly at Eld, Petra and Oluo in succession.

There is a stunned silence at the table. "Oh-kay?" says Eld uncertainly. "Good morning, Levi."

This is going from bad to worse. "I have to go," he says, standing up. He picks up his tray to clear it. "I have stuff to do."

He walks away, ignoring the murmurs of surprise among the group. "What's up with him?" he hears Gunther say behind his back. _As if they don't already know._

He'd rather not face them than deal with that sort of awkwardness all morning.

If his friends do know about him and Hange, they're doing a good job of hiding it so far.

Thankfully, he's going back home soon. He won't have to deal with this shit anymore.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Room B/403**

Levi spends the rest of his morning shooting hoops and avoiding his friends. He has a lot of free time, because unlike his classmates he had finished packing already and had even triple checked his work. By the time he returns to his room, it's almost noon.

He needs another shower. Uncle Kenny will be arriving soon. He hasn't seen him since April (Uncle Kenny really doesn't like visiting) and he wants to make a good impression. His mind is momentarily diverted, as he thinks about home, his uncle, his hometown, his childhood friends...

When he opens the door, he's surprised and annoyed at finding Hange sitting on his bed, admiring the poster of Seijūrō Akashi on his wall.

His face turns magenta.

"What are you doing here?" he hisses. "Get out. Before someone sees you."

"Oh. Hey." Hange ignores his question and turns towards him. She doesn't seem like herself. She's usually chipper and excitable, but right now she's a lot calmer and more sensible. "Mike's with Eld. He let me in. Is that okay?"

He just stares at her. Why is Hange asking him if something is okay? She usually does what she wants without his consent.

"So," she starts, taking his silence as a yes. "We need to talk."

"No we don't," he replies, slamming the door shut. "Get lost."

"Yes, we do," Hange insists. "We made a mistake and we have to face the consequences now. You can't keep avoiding things forever."

He stares at her some more. Again, since when is Hange the responsible one?

Who is this woman (debatable) on his bed and where is the real Hange?

Then he realizes something. Last night, when he – did the unspeakable – he probably didn't use...

Probably? Of course he didn't. He doesn't carry any on him, because the thought of him actually having sex is laughable. Hannes has a jar full of rubbers in his office, in the hopes that if one of his boys ever did the deed, they'd do it safely. Levi has always kept himself at a minimum distance of three feet from that jar, because you never know what kind of vile scum had their hands in it. *cough*Franz Kefka*cough*

So, to sum it up, unless Hange forcibly put one on him, Levi did not use protection last night. Which would explain why Hange is so serious right now. She probably took a test, and...

Oh Maria. He thought his life was over, but now...he's literally fucked. This can't be happening. He's too young to be a dad. This is a bad dream. He's just being paranoid. He can't jump to conclusions. He has to remain calm. He can't freak out. He –

"ARE YOU PREGNANT?" he screams, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her.

Geez. Talk about Keep Calm.

"What?" she says in disbelief. "No! Why would you think something like that?"

Levi turns away. On the outside, he appears to be staring at Mike's collection of luxury fragrances. On the inside, he is weeping tears of pure joy.

"You're – you're not pregnant?" he says finally.

Hange looks heavenward. "I'm not pregnant," she replies. "I came here because I need to talk to you about the others. I think – I think they're on to us."

Levi flops down on his bed and gazes at the ceiling.

"Yeah," he says. "I noticed that, too. Oluo was saying some really dumb stuff earlier."

Hange frowns. "No, that's not it. I –"

A knock on the door interrupts her mid-sentence.

"Wait," he instructs, and strides across the room to open the door. Mikasa is standing there with Sasha cowering behind her.

"What?" he asks her. He knows that Mikasa doesn't like him and will do anything she can to avoid speaking to him. So if she's up here, knocking on his door, it must be important.

"Could we please come in? We need to talk to you about something." she says, with as much fake politeness she can muster. Behind her, Sasha looks like she could pee her pants any minute now.

It had better not happen on their lime green carpet. He had that cleaned last week.

"I'm busy," he tells her. Which is true. His room has been infested with the Third Kind and he has to exterminate it soon.

And besides, there is no way he is letting Mikasa and Sasha find Hange in his room.

Mikasa doesn't budge. "It won't take long," she persists.

Talk about the impossible meeting the immovable. There is no way that Levi is going to entertain Mikasa right now, and Mikasa is one of the most stubborn people he knows, so there is no way she will relent. Short of physically picking her up and throwing her away, he can't get rid of her.

"No," he says. For a moment, he sees a flicker of disappointment appear on her face. It looks like he might be winning this after all. If he pushes her away some more, she'll probably leave.

But then Shitty Glasses goes on to open her shitty mouth and ruin everything.

"Who is it, Levi?" she calls, wondering what's taking him so long. Levi wants to strangle her. He's trying to get rid of the brats so that they won't bother him and find out about her, and then she has to open her big mouth and confirm that she is in there.

Stupid, stupid Hange. She's supposed to be at the top of their class, along with him, but for the life of him he can _not_ tell where Hange's brains go outside class.

And as he expected, Sasha pushes her way into the room at the sound of her cousin's voice.

"HANGE?" she says, shocked. Levi facepalms. He then uses his left hand to facepalm again.

Then he wonders why he wasn't born with eight arms so that he could facepalm eight times.

He locks eyes with Hange and tries to communicate with her telepathically. _Get rid of them, idiot. They will find out about last night and tell the whole school. Make them go away. Or I'll make YOU go away._

Unfortunately, Hange is not psychic.

"Hey," she says, smiling at her cousin. At this point, she's practically welcoming her into his room. "What are you doing here?"

 _Why don't you brew her a cup of tea while you're at it?_ he thinks. Seriously, though, why isn't strangling annoying mad scientists legal?

"We, uh," Sasha says. "Mikasa and I wanted to talk to Levi about the party..."

Levi freezes. _HOW THE FUCK DID THEY FIND OUT?_

He glances at Mikasa. She frowns at him, and raises her eyebrow. Sasha is looking at him expectantly. Hange looks alarmed.

 _How? How did these brats find out about us? And why do they even want to talk about it? That's fucked up on so many levels. I mean, who walks up to their cousin's room and asks, "Hey, so you banged this shemale last night. Wanna talk about it?"_

But no. He's not going to jump to conclusions this time. Mikasa and Sasha are probably just fishing for gossip. They want to know if he and Hange really had sex last night. They don't know the truth. And they're never going to find out, because he's not going to tell them.

"WE DID NOT HAVE SEX LAST NIGHT," he says loudly, hoping to get the point across.

But, just like it's been happening all day, his words end up making things worse.

Sasha stares at him. "I...did not say you did..." she says slowly.

Well, if they didn't know before, they definitely know now. Levi turns his brain off. It's done enough damage for the day.

He puts his instincts on autopilot. Without thinking, he picks up both the girls and throws them out of his room, before slamming the door in their faces.

He then wonders if he should do the same with the Abnormal on his bed.

"Dammit, Shorty!" Hange says loudly. "I think you just blew our cover!"

At least she's back to normal.

Levi gives her a look. "You have five minutes to tell me what's bothering you before I throw _you_ out of my room, too."

"Okay, okay," Hange sighs. She jumps out of his bed and begins pacing across the room. "So, after you left, everyone was acting really weird. They kept talking about sex and Petra was hitting Oluo and Eld tried to stop them. And Petra was giving me this look. You know what I mean, right?"

He glares at her. "What do you think?"

"Come on," Hange says impatiently. "The I-know-what-you-did-last-night-look. You know. Like this." Her face scrunches up into an unreadable expression.

Levi frowns. "Are you constipated?"

"No!" she yells. "Look, never mind. That isn't important. The point is, she knows. And so do Mike and Eld. They were whispering amongst themselves after you left. I think they all know. About us, I mean."

Levi just stares at her. Since his brain has been turned off, he doesn't know how to respond to that.

"You're jumping to conclusions," he tells her finally. "That's the worst thing you can do right now. Trust me. I would know."

She folds her arms across her chest. "I'm right about this. I know I am."

"If we're fucked, we're fucked," he replies. "We live with the shame for one more semester and watch our lives gradually get flushed down the can. You remain a weirdo, and I get demoted to your status. Then we graduate and I live as a sad, lonely man with nineteen cats."

"I don't see why this is such a big deal to you," she laments. "So yeah, we had sex. So what? Nothing's gonna come out of it. It's not like we're going to miraculously fall in love with each other now. And even if everyone else finds out, so what? They're gonna make fun of us for a while, but it won't go on forever. Everything's gonna be fine."

Levi shakes his head. Hange isn't getting it. He's not upset because he slept with someone. He's not afraid of everyone finding out (although it wouldn't hurt if they didn't know about this).

He's disappointed because this was his first, too. And it was with _Hange_.

He turns away and practices a "The Reason You Suck" Speech in his head. _Idiot. You ought to be taking this more seriously. What happened to the whole "we made a mistake, and now we have to face the consequences" thing you had going on? It's not enough that I could have gotten you pregnant at eighteen, but it could have ruined MY life too. I mean, I have to live with the fact that I was inside your shitty –_

His cell phone beeps with an incoming text message.

"Look at this," Hange says, her phone in her hand. " _Emergency meeting. My room. Stat._ Petra's posted this in our group. She obviously wants to talk about us."

"Obviously?" Levi raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah," she replies, and sighs. "Shorty, let's face it. Everyone knows about us by now. The gang. Sasha. Mikasa. It's only a matter of time before the rest of the school finds out. We might as well come clean."

"Why don't we," he starts, "see what Petra wants instead of assuming she wants to talk about us? And before we come clean, why don't we find out how much the others know?"

Hange stares at him, open-mouthed. "That's the smartest thing you've said all day," she sounds impressed. "See what happens when you don't overthink it? You end up actually using your brains for once."

Levi hits her on the head with a broom.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, A/402**

"Hey." Mike and Eld finally arrive and shut the door behind them. "What's going on?"

"Oh. Good. You two are here." Petra says, relieved. She's sitting on her bed, hugging her knees. "We can start the meeting now."

"IT IS NOT A MEETING," Levi is quick to correct. He's leaning on the wall beside Hange's desk. "It's just us getting together and talking. Like we always do."

"Whatever." Petra says offhandedly. "So. You guys know why I called you here, right?"

"Yep." They all nod in unison. Grave looks are exchanged among the group. Levi dabs his handkerchief on his forehead and tries to look calm.

"Petra, really," Oluo sighs dramatically. To Levi's annoyance, he has a similar monogrammed handkerchief out and he's wiping imaginary sweat across his own forehead. "Just let it die. I know you're still hung up on me, but –"

Petra snorts. "Yeah, dream on." Her expression turns serious and she continues, "So, as you all know, Oluo and I –" she grimaces, "had sex last night."

"What?" Levi gasps.

"What?" echoes Hange.

Everyone gives them strange looks. "I thought you two knew about this?" asks Gunther suspiciously.

"No one told us..." begins Hange, but she stops when she feels Levi's murderous gaze in her direction. "I mean, no one told us that she'd be announcing it like this! This is so dramatic! And I didn't even bring any popcorn!"

"Yes, well," Petra's cheeks are tinged pink. "I decided to call you all to tell you the truth about last night. What happened was, Oluo and I got really drunk at the party, and I was kind of lonely, so he invited me outside to walk with him and the next thing I know I'm in his room and we're taking off our clothes and –"

She stops mid-sentence to take off her slipper and throw it at Oluo, who had been making lewd expressions while she was talking.

"Anyway," she continues, "I want you guys to know that there's nothing going on between the two of us. We're not going to start dating and let things get weird in the group. I mean, I noticed that you guys were being really strange this morning. Especially Levi. And all the teasing makes me uncomfortable. So I don't want you guys talking about this anymore. Oluo and I don't have feelings for each other and we never will. Got it?"

"Speak for yourself," mutters Oluo.

"Got it?" Petra repeats, more loudly this time.

"Yes, Petra," everyone mumbles. Levi feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Nobody knows. Good. His world is back to normal. He can now lock up his memories of last night in a sealed chest and dump it at the bottom of his mind. He is a free man.

 _Hallelujah._

"Well, if that's all," he says, making his way to the door.

"Um, Levi? Hang on a moment, please," Petra requests.

Levi freezes. The hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

He bites his lip and wishes that he could travel back in time to seventeen years ago when Mr and Mrs Zoë were about to have sex and slap them back to their senses, so that their abomination of a child could not be conceived and then he wouldn't have to meet her and –

Where was he? Oh, yeah. Petra was talking to him.

"Since I've come clean," she says quietly. "Don't you think the rest of us deserve to know what you did last night too?"

"What are you talking about?" Oluo demands.

Levi glances at him, ignoring Petra. "I have no idea what she's talking about. And I have to go. I don't have time for any more of this crap."

He turns to leave, but Petra grabs him by the arm.

"I thought we were friends!" Her voice has risen a few octaves higher and she sounds positively pitiful. "I always thought that there were no secrets between the seven of us!"

Levi doesn't respond to this. He knows where this is going. Petra is big on the whole "Friendship is Magic" thing and uses every chance she gets to force her values on the rest of the group. She is the poster girl for smiles, hugs and the Power of Friendship. Rumor has it that she owns DVDs of all of the seasons of a certain animated series about friendship and talking cartoon horses. Petra has been known to randomly spout friendship speeches at the oddest times, and it looks like Levi is about to be on the receiving end of one now.

"The whole reason I called you guys up here," she starts, "is because I didn't want to hide anything from you. I knew Oluo would tell you, but I still wanted to clear the air myself. I hate it when there are secrets in the group. We're all so close; we've been friends for nearly three years now. And you still don't trust us enough to tell us about you and Hange?"

Gunther and Oluo gasp loudly.

"What did you and Hange do last night?" Gunther demands.

"They probably killed someone," Oluo whispers.

"You're going overboard again. It's not that bad," Eld says dryly. "They just had sex."

"Wait, WHAT?" Gunther says.

"Wait, WHAT?" Oluo repeats.

"Wait, WHAT?" Hange says. "How did you guys find out?"

"I don't know how Eld knows," Petra says, "but I saw you two. Together. I'm pretty sure you did it."

"Guys," Hange forces a laugh, "It's not like that. Levi and I would never –"

"I don't know what to believe anymore," says Gunther. "First you and Oluo, now Levi and Hange..."

"Dude, you're totally stealing my thunder!" Oluo cries.

"Levi, what do you have to say for yourself?" Petra demands.

Levi is quiet. His eyes dart around the room, looking for a sharp object he could use to commit seppuku.

This. This is why he did not want anybody finding out about. This is what happens when his friends try to poke their noses into his business. Not only did they blow the issue COMPLETELY out of proportion, they also managed to confuse themselves and everyone else about what really happened.

He decides to step in and, like Petra asked him, speak for himself.

"So," he says quietly. His voice is low, but it has a commanding tone that immediately grabs everyone's attention and forces them to shut up. "According to you idiots, Shitty Glasses and I screwed last night. Is that right?"

Petra nods furiously.

"Alright," he continues. "Who here knows for sure that we did last night?"

Petra, Eld and Mike raise their hands.

Hange gives him a smug look. _Damn. So Four-Eyes was right for once._

"Petra," Levi says, turning towards her. "What do you think happened?"

Petra turns pink. "Well, I don't know if you remember, but I got back to my room this morning, from the boys' dorm, because, you know, yeah. Anyway, I saw you leaving the room and when I saw Hange she was naked and asleep. So I'm pretty sure you guys...uh..."

"I see," he says. "So you thought that just because she was naked and I was leaving her room that we had sex."

"Yeah," she says. "I mean, what else would I think? I'm not judging you guys, but I –"

"So you don't have any REAL proof that we did it," he interrupts. "You're just assuming that we did."

Petra blinks at him. "Well, yes, that's true. But –"

"Eld," Levi says loudly. He turns his attention to him. "What do _you_ know?"

Eld looks uncomfortable. "Levi. Dude. You can't pull that on me." He gestures around the room. "Unlike these guys, I wasn't drunk last night. I remember all too well what happened."

"Oh?" Levi says, raising his eyebrows. This one was going to be a little harder to weasel his way out of. Nevertheless, unless Eld actually saw them doing the nasty, he still had no proof.

"Yeah. I remember Hange being really drunk and doing this weird striptease thingy on the table last night. That's how it started," says Eld.

Levi tries to imagine Hange stripping. All the natto he consumed threatens to make its way back up his throat.

"Was I any good?" asks Hange excitedly. "No, that's a dumb question. I was obviously sexy and amazing, right?"

Everybody gives her a look.

"Yeah, not answering that," replies Eld. "Anyway, so just when she was getting to the good part, you jumped on the table and grabbed her arm and said something to her."

"What did I say?" Levi frowns.

"I don't remember," Eld shrugs. "But I think it was something really romantic. Something along the lines of, 'Babe, I'm the only one who can see you naked' I guess."

Levi's face turns green. His throat feels ticklish, and he is reminded of Bertolt Hoover and Jean Kirstein from last night. If he's not careful, he will find himself doomed to the same fate as those two shitheads.

"Moving on," Eld continues. "So then, Hange says something and unbuttons your shirt. And she's like running her hands all over your abs and playing with your hair and her fingers are on your lips and in your mouth and stuff. Trust me, dude, it was so gross that I – Levi? Hey, Levi? Where's he going?"

Everyone watches as Levi suddenly pushes his way out of the group. He makes his way over to Petra's closet and yanks it open.

"Levi, what are you doing?" asks Petra, worried.

He ignores her and rummages through her closet for a while, until he finds what he's looking for. It's a little brown paper bag that some of the students use when they want to carry food back from the dining hall back to their rooms. Levi opens the bag and hurls all of his breakfast into it.

"What's wrong with him?" Petra cries. "Is he sick? Levi, are you okay?"

"He's fine," Mike assures her. "Just a little grossed out, I guess."

The group moves so that they're surrounding him. Eld rubs his back while he tries to gain his composure back. "I'm sorry, dude. I didn't really expect you to throw up at that."

Levi glares at him. "Would it be too much to ask you to leave the filthy details out of your story? Just tell it like it is. Please."

"A sample of Levi's vomit," murmurs Hange, her eyes shining. To everyone's disgust, she lifts up the bag and raises it to the ceiling, not unlike the way Rafiki presented Simba in _Lion King_. "I never thought I'd ever get my hands on something like this! What secrets do you hold, you beautiful bag of barf? I can't wait to take you to the lab and find out!"

"Get that bag out of my sight," Levi commands.

"Nuh-huh," Hange shakes her head stubbornly. "I'm keeping this." She frowns for a moment, then snaps her fingers. "Tell you what, though. Why don't you use the bathroom and clean yourself up, and when you come back, this bag will be gone. Deal?"

Levi shakes his head and walks out of the room. When he returns, everyone is nauseated and green, except for Hange, who's grinning.

He shoots a questioning look at Mike, who shakes his head and mouths, "You don't wanna know."

"Anyway," Eld claps his hands to get everyone's attention. "So, you two were doing some weird stuff, and you pulled her off the table. And then you said something like, 'Not here. Let's continue in your room.'"

"And everyone went crazy," Mike continues.

Eld nods. "Yeah. All the girls were screaming and everyone tried to cram into the elevator trying to get to Hange's – well, to this room. And you dragged her up the stairs and disappeared."

"Oh," Levi says. "So...you don't know what happened after that?"

Eld shakes his head. "Nah. There were too many crazy girls around the place, so I didn't bother trying to find out. But from what I heard later, you have a really firm, um –" He coughs and flexes his fingers, as though he's grabbing something.

"CAN WE NOT," Levi almost screams.

"Right," Eld pauses. "So, uh, I don't know about you guys, but it's pretty clear to me that Levi and Hange did, in fact, have sex last night."

Levi buries his face in his hands. He knows that he sounds really repetitive and annoying, but again he begs a god he does not believe in to free him from his misery right now.

"Yep," Petra nods confidently. "These two definitely did it."

"See, now this time I didn't imitate him on purpose!" Oluo says triumphantly. "Our minds were in sync last night! We really do think alike!"

"Yeah, except that you don't," Eld replies. "See, Levi, I told you. It happened. I don't know why you and Hange are denying it, but yeah. It doesn't change facts."

Oluo slaps Hange on the back. "So, how was it, Hanj? Wait, don't tell me right now. I'll call you later when no one's around. You can give me all the deets then, hmmm?"

Only Oluo would use a word as obnoxious as "deets". Even though it's not like him, Levi can't help feeling sorry for Hange. If what Eld is saying is true – and it probably is, because Eld's not the kind of guy to make this stuff up – then it's kind of his fault that she's in this mess now. Because he apparently initiated it. Right now, Oluo is prodding her with all sorts of embarrassing questions, which she's trying to brush off with a laugh, and Petra and Eld are digging for more gossip on him. Only Mike is by himself, looking bored.

Come to think of it, Mike has been silent throughout the "meeting". Levi wonders what's up with him.

Hange tries to blow their questions off, but the three just keep prying. He shakes his head. He knows full well that she would have probably told them everything had she been sober during the deed. But since she's unable to remember anything, she can't answer them, and they just keep hounding her more.

What kind of friends are they? He starts to feel sorry for her again, but then remembers who she is and how she ruined his life, and he laughs to himself. Him, pitying her. Now that was funny. He has to hand it to his feelings – they know how to play a good joke on him every now and then.

"See?" Petra looks at him squarely. "There's no point in hiding it anymore. We know everything."

"Even I didn't want to believe it at first," Gunther murmurs. He looks like his world is being torn apart. "I feel like everything I know is a lie. I can see Hange doing something like this, but not you. And definitely not you two _together_. Can't believe you did it."

All of their accusations are only making him feel worse about himself. Never did he imagine he'd end up in a position like this.

"Yeah," Mike speaks up suddenly. He stands up straight and walks towards the group. "Except that they _didn't_."

There is a silence in the room.

"Um, what?" Petra says.

"Levi and Hange," Mike begins, "did _not_ have sex last night."

There is another silence.

"What the fuck is going on?" Gunther wails. "What is this? What is life? WHAT IS HAPPENING?"

"Mike, dude, you were there last night," Eld points out. "You saw the whole thing. You know I'm not making this up."

"I did," Mike nods. "And you aren't. But they did not have sex."

"And how would you know something like that?" Petra demands.

Mike shrugs, and points to the trashcan at the corner of the room. "For one, no condom in the trash."

The gang ponders over this information for a minute. Levi, however doesn't, as he had already thought of this. He knows that he doesn't carry condoms around with him, so he most likely did not use one last night. Mike's revelation proves nothing. But he's still grateful to him for trying.

"That doesn't mean anything," Eld says. "They could have done it, y'know, unprotected."

Oluo sighs dramatically and wipes his forehead with the back of his hand. "Levi and I are similar in almost every way – we're almost like twins, in fact. But even _I_ used protection last night when Petra and I..." He moves his fingers to perform a suggestive action.

Petra sighs. "You keep bragging about sleeping with me, yet you're too embarrassed to even use the word. SEX, Oluo. It's called SEX. God. Grow up."

"They didn't have to use protection," Mike insists. "Because they DIDN'T have sex."

"Mike, we discussed this already," Gunther says wearily. "We know that you and Levi are really close and you want to stick up for him, but you have to admit it, it looks bad. There's just too much evidence we can't ignore."

Levi's head hurts.

But Mike stubbornly crosses his arms over his chest. "I know for a fact that they didn't do it."

"What, were you spying on them or something?" Eld scoffs.

"Didn't have to do that," Mike shrugs again. "The Nose knows." He taps at the tip of his nose proudly.

Hange takes off her glasses and massages her temples. "You know that things are bad when even _I_ can't keep up with the craziness around me." She sighs.

Hange may be too stupid to keep up, but Levi isn't. He knows what Mike, in his own brusque way, is trying to say. Mike has the nose of a bloodhound. Part of the reason why he and Levi make such a good team is this – Mike sniffs out the dirt, and Levi cleans it. He had spent all morning eating bowl after bowl of stinky soybeans hoping that Mike wouldn't call him out for his activities last night. But there was no fooling Mike – eventually, he always sniffs out the truth.

"Levi and Hange don't smell like sex," Mike explains. "On the other hand, you two –" he points at Oluo and Petra, " _reek_ of it. Which means that you exchanged bodily fluids last night, while they didn't."

Levi fights the urge to yell, "BAZINGA!" in all of their faces. Their stupid, smug-ass faces accusing him of shit he didn't do. Assholes.

"Are you sure?" Petra says finally, "I mean, he's Levi. He probably showered like three times this morning. The smell could have just, um, washed away."

"I can name every drink Hange had last night _right now_ , all off her smell alone." Mike says indignantly. "And you think I'd be wrong about something like this? Nope. Never doubt the Nose."

He smiles at Levi and Hange. "You two can relax now. You did nothing wrong."

Levi returns his smile. "You fool," he says fondly. "If you knew all along, why didn't you say something before?"

Mike smirks. "It was kinda funny, if I say so myself. It's not every day you see everyone all riled up like this. Besides, I wanted to – what's the word they use? Oh, right. Troll. I was trying to troll you all."

Levi simply shakes his head. Mike reminds him of someone else right now – Principal Erwin Smith. Both of them are serious, intimidating men on the outside, but complete dorks when no one is around.

"But that doesn't make any sense!" Eld cries. "If they didn't do it, then why did Hange try to take off his clothes on the table? Why did Levi drag her to the room? Why was he saying all that sweet stuff to her? Why was she naked this morning? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?"

"Who knows?" Mike gazes at the ceiling. "Maybe if there's someone out there with a clear memory of last night, who followed them up to the room, we might actually find out. But we can't really say anything. So for now, we can just be glad that our two friends didn't hook up and leave at that. Sound good?"

"Wow, Mike," Hange sounds impressed. "That's like, the most you've said all week."

"You're welcome," he replies. "I was only too glad to save your ass, Hange."

The atmosphere in the room has calmed down. It's now brighter and happier, and the tension has diffused.

"I won't give up, you know," Petra says. "I'm going to find out exactly what happened. You can bet on that."

Well, _most_ of the tension, anyway.

"Whatever," Levi rolls his eyes. "I'm out of here. You're probably dying to apologize to me and the Abnormal right now, but I'm not in the mood to listen. So I'll meet you idiots in the parking lot in an hour, and I expect to hear a heartfelt apology from each of you. Five hundred words. No copying off each other. Four different apologies." He pauses. "On second thought, make that five. You owe me an apology too, Shitty Glasses. For being annoying in general. Come on, Mike."

The two leave the room, ignoring the horrified expressions of their friends.

* * *

 **Sunday, July 27, Student Lounge (Boys)**

Mike and Levi walk across the campus in silence. None of them say anything about the meeting in Hange and Petra's room, nor the events that transpired last night.

If there's one thing that Levi is thankful for, it's Mike's ability to mind his own business. Unlike the rest of his friends, Mike doesn't feel the need to pry and comment on Levi's sex life. Nor does he feel the need to question anything that Levi does under the influence of alcohol, simply because he's a nice guy.

But although Mike will not say anything, Levi can see that he's curious about what happened last night too. He wants to ask why Levi decided to seduce Hange when the thought of it literally makes him puke, but he doesn't. Levi is rather confused himself. He's glad to know that he did not actually sleep with her, but he'd really like to find out why he pretended to do such a thing.

Unfortunately, unless Hange has cameras in her room (he wouldn't put it past her), there is no way to find out. He'll just have to accept that he did something stupid when he was drunk and move on.

They enter the building and proceed for the stairs. The student lounge is almost empty. Most of the boys have left for their homes already, but a few of them are loafing about, probably waiting for their rides. Hannes's office is wide open, yet he is AWOL again. He's probably in the teaching quarters, getting drunk with Pixis, Levi assumes. But the sight of that open office makes him realize something.

"You go on ahead," he tells Mike. "I'll be right up."

Mike shrugs and pushes a button to summon the elevator. Levi, on the other hand, makes his way into the open office.

The condom jar is still on desk, as expected. It's almost empty, which not surprising, given the noises that had been coming from Franz's room all morning. Levi sighs, and pulls out a packet of tissues, using one of them to cover his hand. He then carefully pries open the jar and picks up one of the offending items, before covering it with three of the tissues and placing it in his back pocket.

He knows that the packet is going to remain in his wallet for the rest of the school year, yet he can't help but feel that he should always carry one around. He will never forget the disgust and loathing he felt this morning when he realized what he'd done (or what he _thought_ he'd done) and the fear he'd felt when he had realized that the mistake could cost him more than his reputation.

If there's one thing he's learned from the whole thing, it's this: BE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING. There's nothing worse than waking up and learning that you did something (or someone) you never thought you'd do. Seriously. Trust him. He knows.

He just hopes that he never has to use it. Especially not on her.

Ugh. He needs another shower. He had eaten the smelliest food on the menu today, barfed in a paper bag and put his hand in a jar full of condoms. When he gets back to his room, Mike's going to smell the condom jar on him, and _he's going to know_.

Levi shakes his head and smiles to himself. What a weird way to end the semester.

Although he hasn't left yet, he already misses Titan Academy. He can't wait to be back.

* * *

 **What Actually Happened**

 **Saturday, July 26, Student Lounge (Girls)**

"You're smiling," Gunther tells Levi. "Dude. You're actually _smiling_."

Levi immediately stops smiling and glares at Gunther instead. Gunther is a little tipsy and is frowning at him like he's an animal at the zoo.

"Oh no," Gunther sounds alarmed. "See, now he's glaring." He pokes Oluo in the shoulder. "Oluo, Levi's glaring at me. Why is he glaring at me? Make him stop."

Oluo, like Gunther, is also a few drinks down. He joins Gunther in studying Levi and says, "He's not glaring or smiling. He's _smizing._ "

"What?" asks Gunther, confused.

"You know," Oluo explains. He gestures to his eyes. "Smizing. Smiling with your eyes. Like Tyra Banks taught us to do on ANTP."

Levi doesn't know what that is.

"Wow, Oluo, I didn't know you were into American reality TV." Petra sounds impressed, and moves closer to him. "Did you watch the season when..."

Levi moves away from all three of the drunken idiots and heads to the bar. He needs another drink if he's going to get through this. As for why he was smiling, he was actually thinking that the party wasn't half bad. Sure, a lot of shit had gone down and some of the first-years had embarrassed themselves _terribly_ – the latest being Eren Yeager and Jean Kirstein (which he may or may not have filmed) – but he was actually having a good time. Uncle Kenny always said that a glass of whiskey made any situation better, and he couldn't have been more right.

Levi had also noticed that there seemed to be a strange man dressed in an orange suit and hiding behind a potted plant, a man who looked suspiciously like Principal Smith. He had frowned at the man, as if to ask why he was there, but the man simply mouthed "Pretend I'm not here."

Looks like he has some _interesting_ Twitter updates to look forward too.

At the bar, Levi doesn't wait for Hange to pour him a drink, and pours one himself. Hange is busy attending to some first-year. He has seen her around before; she's in the Newspaper Club. She has a rather silly name. What was it? Mitch? Bitch?

"You're Hange, right?" the girl is saying.

"The one and only," Hange grins at the girl. Even though she's sloshed, she still manages to pour both rum and coke into the glass without spilling most of it on the table.

"My name is Hitch Dreyse," the girl smiles. Levi nods. Yeah, that was it. Hitch.

"I've heard about you, you know," she takes a sip out of the drink Hange had prepared for her, and nods in appreciation. "There are some strange rumors going around, and I wanted to know if they were true."

"Rumors? What?" Hange's smiles disappears. Levi snorts. Being drunk certainly has a unique effect on everyone. In Hange's case, it made her a lot slower than she normally was. Not that she was very bright to begin with.

"Rumors," Hutch repeats impatiently. "Gossip. Stories. Surely you know what I'm talking about?"

"Uhhh," Hange's face scrunch up like she's thinking hard. "No, not really."

Hitch sighs in exasperation. "Fine. I'll tell you. There are some people saying that you're not, well, a _woman_."

Levi's eyes widen. He knows he isn't supposed to be eavesdropping, but he can't help himself. He has heard this rumor before, but never given much thought to it. Would Hange confirm or deny it?

"Um, what?" Hange says. "What do you mean?"

"How drunk are you?" Hitch asks, annoyed. "I'm obviously asking if you have a dick or not! Can't you tell?"

To Levi's surprise, Hange doesn't answer immediately. She actually takes time to think of an answer, and says, "You – you shouldn't be asking me something like that."

Hitch shrugs. "Why not? It's a simple question. See, if you were to ask me that, I'd say that I'm a girl. Easy enough, right? But not for you, apparently. You're not giving me a straight answer."

She leans forward and smiles maliciously. "Which makes me wonder if you have something to hide."

Hange swallows nervously. It's the first time Levi has seen her look so vulnerable and tense. "I don't have an answer for you," she says.

Hitch cocks her head to the side. "It's alright if you don't wanna talk about it. You just have to show me."

"What?" Hange says.

"Get on the table," Hitch instructs. "And dance. Like they do in strip clubs. Take of your clothes."

Levi slaps his palm on his mouth to keep himself from guffawing loudly. The thought of Hange doing something like that is ridiculous.

"That sounds like fun, but I'll pass," Hange replies.

"Aw, come on, Hange," Hitch says. "The entire Newspaper Club's here: we all really wanna know. We're just so _curious_. You're a scientist. You understand, don't you?"

Hange can't help but nod.

"You're drunk," Hitch continues. "So if you got up on this table and began stripping, no one would bat an eyelid. And once you're done, then the rumors would stop. Pretty simple, right?"

Although he was laughing a few seconds ago, Levi realizes that the situation is more serious than it seems. There's a chance that Hange may actually go along with this dumb plan. Not that he cares about her embarrassing herself – it's Moblit's job to keep her out of trouble, after all. But Moblit's kind of busy right now, and no one else besides Levi seems to have any idea about what Hange is about to do.

He has to do something, and fast. Only what?

He can't think of anything. His brain draws a blank. So for now, he just follows Uncle Kenny's advice and drinks.

Every time he downs a glass, he assesses the situation and checks for ideas. When he finds none, he pours another glass and drinks again. And again. And again. In doing so, the filter that was keeping the bad ideas out of his head weakens, and he can think again. This drinking process is repeated until he comes up with some sort of half-assed plan.

He moves away from the table and stumbles across to his friends. Hange, meanwhile, has already begun her striptease. She's dancing and playing with the buttons on her shirt, unbuttoning them one by one. Finally, she takes off her yellow shirt and throws it on the floor.

She is now wearing a pink bra and black pants. Unfortunately, no one is paying any attention to her, with the exception of a couple of people she knows and a few unpopular boys.

"I'm about to do somethin' stupid," he tells Gunther, Oluo and Petra, who are watching their friend dance with their mouths open.

"What?" asks Petra, not looking at him.

"Watch," he tells her. Trying his best to keep his balance, he walks over to the drinks table and climbs on top of it.

Hange's fingers and now fumbling with the hooks at the back of her bra. She keeps trying, and failing, to get the damn thing open. Although the sight is disgusting even when he's drunk, it makes Levi wonder how girls put those things on in the first place.

He shakes his head and tries to remember why he climbed on the table.

"Babe," he says. Bile tickles the back of his throat as he utters the word, but he forces it back down. "What are you doing?"

"What?" she asks loudly.

"You can't show off your – cough – beautiful body to anyone else, you know. I'll get jealous."

This one line manages to grab the attention of every female within a ten-foot radius. Mouths fall open all across the room, including Eld and Mike's. Several girls approach the drinks table curiously to watch.

"Did – did Levi Ackerman just say what I think he said?" one girl says.

"Is he dating her?" says another.

"Oh?" Hange blinks at him for a moment. Then she grins and nods. "You're right. I _am_ beautiful."

Her finger travel over the white shirt he's wearing. "And so are you, Levi darling. Why don't you show all of us how beautiful you really are?"

Levi cringes at her touch, but forces a smile. He allows her to unbutton his shirt and tries to twist his face to fool everyone into thinking that he's turned on.

Hange smirks and runs her fingers over his body. Seven years of basketball have given Levi a body that ought to be on a Greek god. The mere sight of it causes some his fangirls at the party to faint, and they have to be taken away. And Hange's hands on his abs lead to many girls drooling with jealousy.

He realizes that he has been silent for a while, and tries to keep up with his stupid act.

"You can't strip," he tells her, in his most seductive voice. He says it loudly on purpose so that Hitch can hear everything. "You can't let anybody except me see you naked."

"Oh, okay," Hange shrugs, then resumes playing with his body. He wants to shake his head in exasperation. How dumb is she that she hasn't already figured out what he's doing? She can't think that he's seriously seducing her!

Her hands are now in his hair. Levi wants to tell her to stop. He doesn't like people touching his hair. Well, to be fair, he doesn't like people touching him, period. But he lets her do it.

Her fingers are now sliding over his face and into his mouth. Nope. Nope. Not happening. Abort mission.

He spits her fingers out of his mouth, and everyone gasps. Shit. Maybe he should have allowed her to keep going. But then another idea strikes him, and he pulls her by the hand.

"Come on," he says. "Let's continue this in your room."

"Deafening" is not the appropriate word to describe the screams that follow. The mere idea of Levi taking his clothes off sends everyone into a frenzy, and there is lots of screaming, hugging and crying happening in the room.

Levi ignores them all and pulls Shitty Glasses up three flights of stairs. When he gets there, most of his fans are already crowding the fourth floor, making it difficult for him to drag her towards her room. As he walks down the corridor slowly, people from all over the school try to get a feel of his bare chest. One of them even has the audacity to touch him on the face, and he fights the urge to bite down on the person's hand.

When they get to her room, he is quick to lock the door and throw her on the bed. She stares at him in confusion.

"Take off your clothes," he tells her, as loudly as he can. Screams erupt from the other side of the door.

Hange shrugs, and begins unbuttoning her trousers. Levi shakes his head in derision. Any other girl would have screamed, "Pervert!" and tried to hit him with her slipper, but not Hange.

When she peels them off her body, he positions himself so that he stands between the keyhole and the bed. This will prevent anyone, including Hitch Dreyse, from finding out what she's packing. Which was his original plan from the start.

Hange continues to take off the rest of her clothes, until she's completely naked before him. He squeezes his eyes shut before she can finish. He doesn't need to be mentally scarred, no thank you.

"Get under the covers," he tells her.

Since Hange's drunk brain is rather slow, she doesn't bother questioning his actions, and blindly complies. He's relieved; it's one less thing for him to worry about anyway.

"Are you gonna fuck me?" she asks. Levi groans. How slow is she? How can she not realize what he's doing already?

"I'm going to fuck you hard," he replies, rather loudly. He can almost hear his fangirls coming in their pants outside the room.

"Yay!" Hange says, and snuggles under the covers, awaiting further instructions. When she's done, he opens his eyes again.

Levi then does the most daring and selfless thing he's ever done.

In a parallel universe, there is a sober version of him _not_ doing any of the crazy shit he's doing right now. In a few seconds, Sober Levi is probably going to arrive and kick him senseless for what he's about to do (He likes kicking little shits senseless).

But Sober Levi does not stop him. So he goes on to take off his white shirt and throw it on the floor. Hange watches on curiously as he slowly peels off his jeans, tossing them aside on the floor.

He so badly wants to pick up his clothes and fold and place them neatly, but he doesn't.

Levi swallows hard. He's aware of the fact that the fangirls are watching through the keyhole, although he's not quite sure how many eyes can fit there at once. So he gives them the best damn show they've ever seen.

He'll make it so they don't have to see another man naked until they graduate.

Of course, he won't show them everything. After all, a man must have his secrets.

Levi turns so that everyone outside has a good view of his back profile. Hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his black briefs, he slowly slides them down his legs.

Hange's eyes widen, and her mouth falls open. Thuds can be heard outside the room, as one by one every girl who takes in the glorious sight faints.

A loud, familiar voice can be heard screaming.

"Sasha?" Hange murmurs.

He picks his underwear from the floor and walks awkwardly backwards. Screams go off as his magnificent behind gets closer to the door. Without turning, he hangs his underwear on the doorknob, preventing them all from watching the rest of the show.

"Awww!" they cry in disappoint.

Levi sighs in relief. Quickly, he slides under the covers with Hange, careful not to peek or get to close to her.

He picks up a test tube from her bedside table (why the fuck does she have a test tube there? Does she check the pH of her saliva before bed?) and hands in to her.

"Suck on this. Loudly." Levi instructs.

"What?" she asks. "Why?"

"Just do it," he hisses. "It has to sound like I'm kissing you passionately, you idiot."

"Oh," she replies. Placing the test tube in the mouth, she sucks on it like it's a piece of candy.

"Good," he nods. "Now moan like a wildebeest."

"What?" she asks again. "What does a wildebeest even sound like?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know?" he snaps. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to HELP you here. The least you could do is play along."

"FINE." Hange sighs dramatically and begins making a noise like an elephant in pain. Levi facepalms.

She stops making the agonizing sound after a while to say, "Hey, why aren't you moaning?"

He snorts. "Please. Like YOU could satisfy ME."

"Hey! I could satisfy you quite well if I wanted to!" She smiles maniacally. "You know, I've been working on a formula to heighten the human libido. I think I have a sample – hey!"

Levi puts aside the thick book he used to hit her on the head. "If you're done moaning, say my name. Loudly. Like you would in the throes of passion."

"What?" Hange says stupidly.

He rolls his eyes. "Say my name like you would if I volunteered for one of your shitty experiments."

"Oh, Levi!" she says happily. "Levi! Levi, yes! Levi, ohhhhh! Levi, you're the best!"

A girl chanting a man's name like this is usually a big turn-on, but Levi could _not_ be more turned off right now.

"Great," he says. "Now pretend like you're exhausted and need to sleep. That'll make it look like I did a good job."

"Well, I actually am exhausted," Hange yawns loudly, and turns so that her back is facing him. "G'night, Shorty."

He's surprised. "Wait, you're actually sleeping?"

"Yep," Hange says tiredly.

"But you're naked!" he cries.

"So?"

"Petra's gonna see us!"

"So?"

"How am I supposed to get out of here?"

"I dunno."

"What about the party?"

"Zzz..."

Levi lifts the covers over his head and sighs. "Why did I think this was a good idea?"

Hange rolls over so that she's facing him. She places one arm over him in her sleep. Irritated, he pushes her around so that she's lying on her side.

"I'm going to have a really shitty time tomorrow, aren't I?" he says to himself.

"Zzz..."

He sighs again. "You're welcome."

Rolling over, he tries to fall asleep too. "That'll teach me to never drink again."


End file.
